Sorry...I've been reading but just not posting. Just a quick note regarding sex issues. I'm not an expert on that...NOT AT ALL. But I really liked the book [iHot Monogamy It has some exercises in it and a questionairre to fill out that can graph each partner. I put the questionairre on Excel and set up an automatically linked chart to created as you plug in the answers. I can email you it as an attachment if you would like. Just send me an email...but I may not do anything until back from my trip.
And Alex, the way your W responded to the Retro suggestion could not, realistically, have been better. Not the miracle we always hope for, but possibly one step towards it, ? Other workshops for personal growth can also help, even if focussed on just one person; as we know, R's are made up of people. I may go to another, just to tune up and clarify what I want and need. But that's not Retrovaille, which is geared for couples in trouble. The individual workshop I loved was called Essential Experience and may still be in Philadelphia, not sure. But I digress.
As far as forgiving your wife for a possible A, let's take one thing at a time....cross that bridge IF and when it comes. And it may not. So, stay focussed on what you DO have control over, and keep up the great work you are doing.
But just to say one thing pre-emptively, that might help you in the middle of the night when we get those bad nightmares, to get you through that sick feeling about your W with OM, here it is.
IF she is having a full fledged A with OM, she MUST NOT be sure about leaving, because she does Not act like someone madly in love with OM who feels nothing for you. She just does not fit that pattern. IF there is OM, and I don't get that vibe, she must only have her toe in the water. You are still the man she wants, in some form. keep in touch j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Oh yes...I can send anyone who emails me the questionairre...I sent it to Smurf several months ago--and a few others I believe.
Quick opinion regarding Alex's wife and affair. She hasn't alked about it much...and if this is MLC I've said it seems pretty mild...more midlife transion like...she's just so nice! Lucky you for that.
But because she feels she wouldn't be able to fprgive herself or you wouldn't be able to forgive...and she certainly doesn't act lovestruck with anyone...I think if she does or is having an affair the sole purpose will be sabotage. She won't do it because she's interested in someone else but to make sure she burns her bridges.
The thing is...Bridges built of love may burn...but they cannot be consumed/destroyed.
If you felt okay doing so, since you are a writer (comedy writer??), perhaps you might want to talk offline. My first love was writing, specifically journalism, and I want to transition back to writing again, likely in creative nonfiction. I joined a writers group here, but I could use more writers' voices in my quest to reclaim my voice. So you can email me at whiskgone on yahoo, if that interests you.
how do I get the questionnaire, and please understand that I am barely literate with computers....I am over 40, and computer skills were not emphasized or recognized for their potential when I went to college. When I was in law school I thought when I became partner at the big law firm, or was elected to the Senate, etc, that the little people working FOR ME would handle the pc and typing.....BIG MISTAKE....so be gentle and condescending when you explain how I "download" excel, or whatever Alex was talking about...thanks, j- PS however, H did give me this nice, more intuitive Apple computer I'm on right now. A lesson or two might be a good idea for me...do they have computer classes for liberal arts majors where they don't assume you know their jargon?? anyone???
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Alex, I'm happy to contribute whatever I can. I do some comedy writing for speeches others have to give, usually on boring topics. As Judy Carter's books say, even boring stuff can be made funny at least a little. I wrote the jokes for a guy who addressed the Carpet Manufacturer's annual conference..... that was NOT easy...carpet just isn't that funny...
But it wasn't about being funny for his whole speech, just peppering it up so no one fell asleep. Went over really well, but then I wonder, "Gee, how low were their expectations anyhow? ANYTHING at all funny may have made them laugh," but them I remind myself of my genius, and take back all the credit. j-
I'll contact you at the address you wrote, and if I screw that up I'll give you my email
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So I did a DB telephone consultation last Monday and one of the key actions I was told to do was to put more laughter in my life...hmmmm. Timely.
Also told to do a 180 on holding off divorce mediation. Hard pill to swallow, but not doing it means dueling lawyers which is far worse. I'm up against the Virgina law clock, maybe.
I think the counselor thought my W was more a walk away spouse more than MLC, said I was using last resort technique and to continue. True. I wanted to send the superb DVD to my W but he said no, that would be chasing, at this time. I thought the DVD was superb, Michelle talking about exactly some of the words my W has said.
Trying to be more lighthearted in my conversations with W and still be genuine. Eye contact. Ask more questions. Add mystery. (And pray much...)
So our 19th anniversary is coming Sept 26 and she's been gone for more than 7 months now.
If I sent her flowers and a card, would that be chasing her and therefore something I should not do, since I am in the last resort technique? Should I do nothing?
