Thanks for the tips and resources on laughing. I have a hunch that you are right, namely, that if I could open up that underdeveloped side of me, it would serve me well with my W but also in many other ways.
I genuinely don't know if my W has had a physical affair with the OM. The way she sometimes thinks is that if she did, she could never return because it would be wrong or she would have too much guilt to overcome. My view? If she did, yes, she could return but we would need to work through that; I don't know if she knows that.
Yesterday i did send an email reply back to her email invitation to do a divorce mediation workshop, saying I'd rather go to the Retrouville event. I included descriptions, the URL, noting the next one is around here Nov 3, and included some comments written by people who've gone. One was a woman who sounded like my W. My W's reply was not the angry no I expected, but "Thanks for the info" -- not sure what that means other than what it says. I will be seeing her tonight.
My W doubts that my changes will last beyond the current crisis. To answer your questions, my W moved out of the home and took a 12-mo apartment lease (could have taken a shorter time but said she wanted to save money with longer term). At the time, she said (her words) she was having a MLC, that we had grown emotionally distant, wanted intimacy but wasn't getting it, that it was all about her but that we were both too different from each other, that I didn't love to travel as she did, didn't have friends or a support system as she did, wasn't curious like her, and that it was too late to work on it and she didn't have the energy and had already worked on it several times before. She has made a virtue out of being consistent, saying she has closed the door and won't re-open it to work on any issues -- that's the word she uses again and again, "consistent," purposely not wanting to give me any hope.
But then she says she loves me, she initiates the contact, says she doesn't want to hurt me, acknowledges (a bit) she's going through some pain herself. I see her in two sides -- one that wants a divorce and is consistent, one that was the one who I married and love.
Quote: I have no idea why people hold laughter in, it's like holding back on an orgasm....
Hadn't thought of it that way, but yeah. Smiles.