Finding her way back -- how? Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Alex and company,

Wow! This is the first time i've seen your post so I may not have all the info needed. But Your words about the issues with intimacy struck me as very brave, humble, honest and compassionate.
I could be way way off, but I see hope in your sitch. For two reasons.

Although Issues of intimacy are not something that has been a problem in my M for the most part, I hear a lot about it from my friends, male and female and You are NOT alone.

When My HMLC refers to how great it was/is when we are together, this seems to be both a curse and a blessing. I fear I won't find a lover as good as H elsewhere, and that is a huge incentive for me to work things out, I sort of hate admitting that but it's true. It also helps the romantic side of me, the sensual side. IF I ever get into a new R and the man is not into it much, if there is a huge contrast with what I've had, it'll be a dealbreaker I fear. I mean, satisfying relations are NOT essential to some Ms, but they are pretty much essential to feeling romantic, I think. Maybe not when we're 80, but then I think good memories kick in and there's still a twinkle in the eye.

I kind of don't know what category great sex is in, if we end up D...but I do think familiarity and the comfort it brings, is underrated. I also believe that in my case and eventually your W's, trust will be essential to enjoyment and while I've been able to compartmentalize my M lately, allowing intimacy without solving our real issues, there will come a time when we simply MUST feel safe and secure in the M and that won't come from ML alone.
I also wonder whether continuing to ML somehow convinces H we don't have other issues, and believe me, we do.

Without giving you the history, just know that I never expected this sitch to happen, but below the surface, the MLCer has their own agenda and worse, HIDDEN expectations.

Your W obviously had/has unspoken expectations, which were not met. B ut apparently you both understand this. But you didn't talk about it, and now it's sort of an elephant in the room isn't it? Were all of your expectations met of her, yourself? Isn't the core of DB philosophy that CHANGE CAN HAPPEN in our lives?? Why simply accept this state of affairs?

And don't assume all the other men out there are great in the sack. No, no no,.... I went on a "date" with a guy (no PA or ML fyi) who mentioned in passing that his XW never wanted to ML. At the evening's end, he kissed me goodnight. It was so horrible, I could not help but think, "No wonder this guys' wife never wanted sex with him, he's like a bull in a china closet" when HE TELLS ME, Unasked ..."As you can see, I love to kiss and I'm a great kisser....!!!!." My face was literally so wet I needed a tissue to dry it off and wondered whether the guy liked tasting my makeup. MY POINT is, I really really MISSED H at that moment, way way more than I knew I could.

We tend to think all things new are by definition better. But while someone new may kiss in a novel way,as I said, there is A LOT to say for familiarity and the comfort it brings. It's not all going against you in that respect.

What I miss about H is what we had in the past in AND out of bed, which included trust. I don't have that with him right now, and if I cannot ever have it again, there won't be much ML in my future with H. Your w will eventually need this with anyone she beds, if that is even close to happening now.

More important, you can learn new things, and let her wonder about them, or better yet, if the moment ever comes, show her. Seriously.

If your wife is in her forties or close to it, she may be dealing with hormonal or MLC issues and finally wants to face her fertility/sexual/romantic sides before it's too late. As I approach the years of infertility that menopause will bring, I think it will sadden me due to being infertile and I don't really even want another child...I just hate not being able to choose. So, it's an issue as a woman.

Once, I read the "Sensous Woman" while stuck waiting for a plane, I swear the book was just sitting on a chair. I knew the things in it for the most part, but must admit reading it reminded me of how much men like certain things. When I got back from the trip and experimented, it made me feel very wanted . I think women need to feel wanted and desired more than men, but I don't know. The thing you must know is YOU CAN LEARN NEW TRICKS.

Regarding your M and or D, I saw two significant things. OF ALL the issues surrounding your M or D, I feel intuitively, that if you learned to effectively communicate with her about this, it'd be the biggest change she could see, or feel. What about telling her you are "working on it" and letting her wonder what that means, or with whom? Not in a petty mean way, but a cognitively aware way that shows her you "get it".

I am on the bb because I want a happy M, not just a M, with H. I want the R to be the priority in his life, and for H to somehow repair the R's he has with our children (S20, D17--so far the most hurt, and d9,) That's what I need and want to stay Happily Married.

What does your wife Want in a happy M? And oh, btw, The 2nd thing in your favor is what her note said about loving you, always....That is no small thing. IOW, I think, if this issue were resolved, that'd be the single biggest step forward wouldn't it?

I hope and pray that at least once, the topic will be genuinely explored with you and your xw. maybe even see one of those sex t's. And though I hate saying this, since it feels disloyal, there is one other thing you should know. My H is approaching 50, and lately I can see that the need for Viagra may not be that far away...but it's not that big a deal. Why? Because it's not mandatory because H knows other things. So, you can too. Don't underrate sex. It's obviously something that counted, to your wife.
good luck,
j-