My reply to Holly from earlier thread, at the end:
Holly,
Yes, you are correct, no response that I saw. Good point.
Yes, I need to decide on a direction, and yes that has been a struggle for me. Most of all I have chosen to want my marriage but not the old marriage, since I know that wasn't working, but a new marriage with my W.
You say this:
Quote: Decide you can not take it any more and allow the D to initiate then take DB advice and change directions AND stand for my marriage.
This is a bit of mental and emotional gymnastics I haven't quite gotten yet.
Quote: And I am in the legal process to end the marriage that I do not want to end. That is PMA and GAL working, at it's most effective.
So because the State requires me to participate in the legal process and because mediation tends to be less nasty and far less expensive, I should eventually enter into a mediation with my W. But at the same time, apply PMA and GAL, I am potentially paving the way to reconnect and reconcile to essentially commence a new marriage with my W. Am I getting this correct, as you understand it? This is a "two-track" parallel process?
Quote: Do you really want a wife that you have to talk into continuing your marriage? I want my H to CHOOSE me and our future marriage. (A new M even if it does not legally end).To make this choice he has to find his own answers, not the ones you try to provide, to shorten the time you will suffer.
No, I don't want a W who I have to talk into continuing our marriage -- I know that can't work; yes, I want a W who choses to be in a marriage with me, but one who has resolved much of what she has needed to resolve which has little to do with me directly and is prepared to resolve what does have to do with me directly.
Quote: You will smile and laugh and have adventures without your wife in the meantime. This will help you get through the process.
Right now -- today -- I am working hard on PMA and GAL and hopefully moving toward smiling and laughing and having adventures without my W again. I am not there yet but this day has been better. Thanks for the kick in the pant given with care, Holly. This is hard stuff to get into my brain and soul, so hearing it expressed again and again in several different ways helps.
If there is one thing that should be stressed right now is to take things a day at a time. Unfortunately, you don't have the ball your wife does. And it is simple. She will decide what she wants to do. You mentioned mediation. And it sounds as if you have made the decision to go if she asks. I would agree with that. So when you say you have to decide, I am not sure what you are deciding. Obviously, you came to this board because you are interested in saving your marriage. That is a given. But it does take two to tango.
This is in your post.
Quote: You (Holly) say this: Quote: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Decide you can not take it any more and allow the D to initiate then take DB advice and change directions AND stand for my marriage.
This is a bit of mental and emotional gymnastics I haven't quite gotten yet.
To be honest, Alex, I have been around this stuff for 6 years and I don't do mental gymnastics. I would, however, say that getting divorced doesn't mean you stop DBing. It doesn't mean you give up on your marriage. A divorce doesn't mean you went in any direction. It means you allowed the person you love to be free as she sees fit. As for standing, you are married and that's that, no matter where your spouse is or what she is. The basic notion of standing is biblical and as a Catholic, it means I am married no matter what. And that is that.
Speaking of mental gymnastics, you said
Quote: So because the State requires me to participate in the legal process and because mediation tends to be less nasty and far less expensive, I should eventually enter into a mediation with my W. But at the same time, apply PMA and GAL, I am potentially paving the way to reconnect and reconcile to essentially commence a new marriage with my W. Am I getting this correct, as you understand it? This is a "two-track" parallel process?
It doesn't matter what you go through. You should always strive to have a Positive mental Attitude. As for GAL, you should always live the life you wants regardless of who is and isn't in it. That is it. If you want to stay home and read, stay home and read. If you want to go to a chess club, go to a chess club. If you want to take a class at the local university, do it. If you want to go tot Arthur Murray, do it. It is whatever you make it. Me. I go to work and come home during the week because that is what I want. I go out once in a while (and have at times wished I just stayed home with my sons). I spend time with my sons. I am going to get anothe BS degree. This is the life I choose. So GAL is whatever you want it to be. Being the person you want to be may or may not set up a reconciliation. But yes, being that person is the best way to give it a chance. No steps. Just is.
As for the rest of it, it doesn't matter. Of course, I have said similar things. But you do what you can in regards to your wife. You do what you want and must do in regards to you. That's it.
Alex, this is extremely simple. Let it be. The hardest thing I had to learn is not to make life so hard. And I am getting big-time dividends for it. The good things that have fallen into my lap never cease to amaze me. And I didn't save my marriage. I can live with that. On the other hand, I can't think of one person on this board who has a better relationship with their ex-wife than I do. And that is the attitude that you should allow to happen. It has its rewards. And come to think of it, isn't that the attitude which is most likely to heal a marriage.
So the update is my W is now pushing to set up an appointment for divorce mediation. She says she knows this hurts me but she needs to do this for herself, and, no, she won't "go back" or otherwise work out any issues.
It is hard for me to understand how she can love me and do this to hurt me at the same time. Of course, in her eyes, this is about her and only her. Ouch.
Quote: So GAL is whatever you want it to be. Being the person you want to be may or may not set up a reconciliation.
So far it hasn't set up a reconciliation, and doing 180s and still be true to who I really am still remains a sometime struggle for me. Hanging in there somehow...
Yes. Ouch. been there done that. Had the hole in my heart. It heals.
When I said something about setting up a reconciliation, I didn't mean it to sound like it was going to happen any time soon. She obviously needs to be on her owwn. Who knows what she is thinking. But if she is ever to return, the best thing to do is let her go. If she is making statements like she won't go back or work out any issues, means she knows she has issues. And at 47 years old, any change will take quite some time if she is so inclined.
Go live the best life you can. One never knows what the future holds.
Alex, I can understand your questioning how to live w/ a lot of 180's and at the same time also stay true to yourself. Especially interesting question I think when you have a half century or so of self to consider. I have also pondered this in terms of GAL b/c much of my new life is actually the life that my H and I lived together. I was not dissatisfied w/ my family or my friends so felt no need to run away from them like he did. So the real 180 for me has been to see this life as meaningful and to live in it happily. That was not so easy before he left, since he had been depressed and negative about it all for quite awhile. I am lucky that my friends and family have rallied around and continue to be good to me and for me.
Just recently someone posted about advice she had received at the beginning of her having been freed up from a long term M, to "never turn down an invitation." I am definitely in agreement with that. And then there is the obvious track of trying some new things.
I don't think of myself as a different person though. My H left and told me he wanted to "reformat his personality!!" Not my aim for myself - I am in a crisis not of my choice or making, but not a MLC. Nonetheless, changes happen. With this kind of shock, then introspection and recovery - you can't help it. xxx Amy
Quote: But if she is ever to return, the best thing to do is let her go.
My brother-in-law tells me the same thing.
She told me two days ago that she wanted to meet with our financial planner and figure out "how you can stay in the house." And then she wants to go on to divorce mediation.
Quote: So the real 180 for me has been to see this life as meaningful and to live in it happily.
I am beginning to move in that direction. While I still get the sudden wave of emotional fears, I also get to a place of being centered more often. I sense I am more alive and attuned and comfortable with the silence in hearing my own internal conversation.
The matter of your H reformatting his personality sounds like what a techie would say, if I may say so.
I find I am more receptive to venturing further beyond my borders, to take in more of life.
My W just mailed me a greeting card which had a photo of birds flying away, with this handwritten message--
"I know this process is hard -- I don't want to minimize how hard it is but I also know that we need to get through it -- that things will feel better when we are less in limbo and more proactive in planning the future. You know I love you and care about you -- please hang in there and get through this with me. Love, [W]"
Feels like being escorted to an execution. She's talking about divorce mediation, of course.
Yes, she is. But she's a gentle MLCer. Just hang in there and keep your hope a live. Be there for her. She does need to go through this transistion...and perhaps she needs to go throughthe mediation too. Whatever happens be the listening ear. This will help her come back to you when it is time.
You are truly handling this very well. You accept your pain, and don't show anger or retaliation. You are setting this up well for a future relationship. I know it's hard [I hadn't known that the kind of emotional pain I felt was possible], but you're surviving well already.
