If there is one thing that should be stressed right now is to take things a day at a time. Unfortunately, you don't have the ball your wife does. And it is simple. She will decide what she wants to do. You mentioned mediation. And it sounds as if you have made the decision to go if she asks. I would agree with that. So when you say you have to decide, I am not sure what you are deciding. Obviously, you came to this board because you are interested in saving your marriage. That is a given. But it does take two to tango.
This is in your post.
Quote: You (Holly) say this: Quote: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Decide you can not take it any more and allow the D to initiate then take DB advice and change directions AND stand for my marriage.
This is a bit of mental and emotional gymnastics I haven't quite gotten yet.
To be honest, Alex, I have been around this stuff for 6 years and I don't do mental gymnastics. I would, however, say that getting divorced doesn't mean you stop DBing. It doesn't mean you give up on your marriage. A divorce doesn't mean you went in any direction. It means you allowed the person you love to be free as she sees fit. As for standing, you are married and that's that, no matter where your spouse is or what she is. The basic notion of standing is biblical and as a Catholic, it means I am married no matter what. And that is that.
Speaking of mental gymnastics, you said
Quote: So because the State requires me to participate in the legal process and because mediation tends to be less nasty and far less expensive, I should eventually enter into a mediation with my W. But at the same time, apply PMA and GAL, I am potentially paving the way to reconnect and reconcile to essentially commence a new marriage with my W. Am I getting this correct, as you understand it? This is a "two-track" parallel process?
It doesn't matter what you go through. You should always strive to have a Positive mental Attitude. As for GAL, you should always live the life you wants regardless of who is and isn't in it. That is it. If you want to stay home and read, stay home and read. If you want to go to a chess club, go to a chess club. If you want to take a class at the local university, do it. If you want to go tot Arthur Murray, do it. It is whatever you make it. Me. I go to work and come home during the week because that is what I want. I go out once in a while (and have at times wished I just stayed home with my sons). I spend time with my sons. I am going to get anothe BS degree. This is the life I choose. So GAL is whatever you want it to be. Being the person you want to be may or may not set up a reconciliation. But yes, being that person is the best way to give it a chance. No steps. Just is.
As for the rest of it, it doesn't matter. Of course, I have said similar things. But you do what you can in regards to your wife. You do what you want and must do in regards to you. That's it.
Alex, this is extremely simple. Let it be. The hardest thing I had to learn is not to make life so hard. And I am getting big-time dividends for it. The good things that have fallen into my lap never cease to amaze me. And I didn't save my marriage. I can live with that. On the other hand, I can't think of one person on this board who has a better relationship with their ex-wife than I do. And that is the attitude that you should allow to happen. It has its rewards. And come to think of it, isn't that the attitude which is most likely to heal a marriage.
