An interesting perspective....

[PArob]

GH, this is why I love you....and I mean that in the most platonic way possible....you have the knack for pretty much summing up what my jumbled thoughts are trying to get across.

Normally, I (and obviously UD) would suggest that more time and patience is needed from you. That may be the case, but this ED is throwing a BIG monkey wrench into things because I guess you feel that standing by, just being patient and waiting her out, you are contributing to her declining health and maybe death down the road.

This is my most obvious conflict....yes, under normal circumstances, pateience and time is needed, along with a huge helping of understanding. I get that and,under normal circumstances, it wouldn't be an issue. However, the more patience and acceptance I exhibit, the less likely she will be to get help, and the more likely she will be brought under the "spell" of her disorder. Add to that, while she is currently healthy, physically (this was verified by a doctor's visit two weeks ago), there is only so much that your body can take. Okay, so putting it into perspective, its not unlike dealing with an alcholic WAS.

The dilemma is, it is highly unlikely that she will "come to her senses" and just go into treatment for the heck of it. Tough love may work to an extent, but again, the wrinkle here is that she will be forced to do something (i.e, get help) that she really doesn't want to do just to appease someone else. Or, in all likelihood, if I threaten to leave and follow through, in her mind she may believe that she was right in not wanting to be with me because I couldn't stick by her through the hard times.

I think I am WAY out of my league in terms of rectifying DB with what to do in the case of an ED. I know you were reading a lot and visiting boards about the ED and what to do. What did they say to do? Is it something that can be rolled into DB or your overall R strategy or was it a lot of confrontation? I really think you need to find a way to put your W's health at the forefront of all this and like UD said (I think it was her) allow the R stuff to fade. Do what the ED folks say to do to the best of your ability FIRST before considering the DB ramifications.

Interestingly enough, in one of the forums that I belong to that is ED specific, one of the members there suggested to another that he visit a website geared towards helping spouses deal with infidelity! There is a certain amount of irony in that. But, and you allude to this in your next paragraph.....the ability for me to leverage is SERIOUSLY undermined by the state of my marriage. I'm an analytical guy and my job requires me to weigh certain risks and outcomes on a daily basis. Putting everything together, I have a slight amount of leverage, but nowhere near as much as I might need to pull this off. And that is the rub, so to speak.....many of the people involved have a slight edge because their marriage, for all intents and purposes, is more stable.

However, and probably one of the most saddest trends I've run across in reading those forums, is that a good deal of the spouses usually end up separating. Now, I don't usually fall into the trap of getting caught up in percentages, especially since there is a good many marriages that survive EDs, but that tends to put a hole in ones gut at first blush.

At any rate, if I can pass along any wisdom to anyone reading this post regarding your sitchs, it is this. The principles of compassionate detachment and letting go are truly universal in terms of dealing with hard issues such as infidelity, alcoholism and ED's. That must say something about those principles in general....that is, until you attain it, you will not find true "nirvana".

What I can tell you Rob is that I have seen you struggle but in the end, make the right call most of the time. I am sure you will do so this time. I really feel for you and this post was not to try to make you feel worse about your sitch, just my attempt to summarize it and let you know that I understand, even though I don't really know what to tell you to do

As usual GH, your input is always welcome and I appreciate your time and understanding. Before posting yesterday, I was a mess for a time, but today, i've come to accept and understand my role in this, previously and going forward. Thanks you so much for the encouragement.