An interesting perspective....

[PArob]

Okay...thank you again for both of your perspectives and I really can say how and/or why my comments regarding the money issue may be perceived that way. To be fair to myself GH, I agree that in the early days before the bomb, my W never spent much on herself, basically on the house and kids depsite my insistence otherwise. Now, to be fair, when she did spend money on herself, I never considered it an issue nor, at least from memory, did I ever do the P/A thing with regard to it. Even in the most recent past when she has spent quite a deal of money on herself buying clothes, shoes, sandals, things that she liked, I did not consider it an issue and, again, would encourage her to buy these things. To me, it just was not an issue....in many ways it was the time thing that was a trigger. Not money.

With regard to the sitch that I mentioned, I guess what really got me going was that I was berated for spending money that we had initially set aside anyway for this concert gig, money that was to be spent on both of us. Her choice not to go was another factor. When she gave me grief about it, her reasoning was because we needed money for the beach. Okay. I understand that and told her that I was sorry that I hadn't gotten her perspective on it prior to giving it away. I understood. point taken....but now its okay for her to spend that money on this? Maybe you're right, maybe its my issue to deal with, but I'm failing to see what was wrong here. I don't consider it a worthless expenditure. She likes it, that's fine and I won't stop her...I merely questioned, based upon her insistence that beach money was short, whether we had the extra money to do that at this point. Maybe I need another whack?

For example, Mr. W. and I used to barter and battle for free time. We'd do each other's bidding and then start attacking the other to make him/her feel guilty for going fishing/going to concerts and then holding it against them the next time we agreed to the terms. It left us both very bitter and unwilling to give honestly to each other.

Yes, i can clearly see this dynamic in the context of my old R.....however, I have been less prone to doing such as of late. When I offer something, I try do it after examining whether I am really okay with doing it. I'm not saying that I've eliminated P/A from all communications, but I do see it as an ongoing issue.

Now, let me examine something else that you posted that I reallly do believe is another issue.

Step back for a moment... and see if you can't see that money isn't the issue here--it's resentment. You're both keeping score and using your own decisions to justify and defend your own positions while attacking another. Money is just the topic you enter to keep engaged in this unproductive dance.

To a large extent, I can see this being a problem with both of us right now and you're right. The real underlying issues aren't the money, its both of our innate desire to be "right" and the resentment building as a result of P/A tendencies on BOTH of our parts. So yes, I can see that being a leader in this regard will hopefully help to smooth our communications and I truly hope that both of you keep posting so as to help me identify how I can engage in productive communication. In this regard, thank you so much UD because I've read your post several times and am printing it out for future reference.

Best,
Rob