An interesting perspective....

[Underdog]

OY, Rob! GH, thanks for your thoughts here because I think they bear worth repeating and discussing.

Rob--Great thoughts on considering how her ED affects you and your children. You're very knowledgeable on the subject, and I commend you for being willing to work through some of the issues that are prevalent in those who have them. One of my dearest friends back in VA suffers from ED, and I know how despairing things can be.

And since you brought it up, you also realize that she's going to have to want to fix herself--that no actions or thoughts on your side of the line are going to force her or will her to do that. You can encourage, but it can't be your idea or it's not going to matter in the long run.

My friend hasn't had any issues that I know of in quite some time, but she has shared with me periodically that she finds herself feeling the way she did when she became bulimic and immediately schedules herself an appt with her C. She's also got 2 daughters and she doesn't want them to see her past as a means of coping in a very negative society.

That being said, I don't know if your M is going to survive without her being willing to start really addressing how her issues affect you, your girls and your M. But for now, what I'm hearing is that you don't want to give up on her and your M. No matter what you ultimately decide, Rob, it's going to be okay. You're absolutely right that they DO affect everyone around her, and the time may come where you're forced to play a hand in order to salvage yourself and the girls too.

Okay, Rob... I saw what GH posted to you here and I really hope you go back and read his words carefully. I think he's got some great feedback for you.

Step back for a moment... and see if you can't see that money isn't the issue here--it's resentment. You're both keeping score and using your own decisions to justify and defend your own positions while attacking another. Money is just the topic you enter to keep engaged in this unproductive dance.

Mine wasn't money, but the use of free time, and the dance went exactly the same way with the same outcome every stinking time. It only changed when I was willing to put forth an effort into seeing how my reactions were contributing to the dynamics of this dance before I could completely turn this around.

For example, Mr. W. and I used to barter and battle for free time. We'd do each other's bidding and then start attacking the other to make him/her feel guilty for going fishing/going to concerts and then holding it against them the next time we agreed to the terms. It left us both very bitter and unwilling to give honestly to each other.

So, one of my early goals was to speak authentically to him. If he asked me to rearrange my schedule so that he could play golf with his buddies, I forced myself to answer the question honestly. While we weren't living together and working on our M, I didn't feel I was in the position to speak up and say, "If you do that, will you make time for me so we can spend time together?" So I was literally forced to make a decision whether or not I wanted to give in to his request--knowing I had the power but weighing the consequences for being a biatch.

Once I decided to start giving him the freedom to play golf while I watched the girls, I gave up any claims to being resentful for agreeing to it. And I worked hard at it. He wasn't cognizant of my strategy, so it took him awhile to see that I wasn't engaging him in a struggle for that free time (and it also resolved some of the big P/A issues we clearly had).

Slowly but surely, he started granting my requests for schedule renegotiation. In the early days, he'd say no--because it felt good denying me something that I wanted. But I suppose somewhere along the line he started realizing that I was more than willing to give him what he needed without questioning him and he started returning the favor.

I'm happy to report that we are BOTH very willing to give this to each other now. But it took months of continued progress on my part before I ever saw him move off the square in another direction, Rob.

Warning: next dialoge will be considered a whack! However, I'm pointing this out to you now because I don't agree... You said:

So, that's a long story to illustrate my point. I feel that while my communication skills can be lacking, I do try and be less judgemental and more specific.

Reality:

Fast forward to this week. Yesterday she announces she wants to get another tattoo (sixth one in a year) at a cost of about $100. Now, I'm not against tattoos in general (I have two myself) but in some strange way for her its a sufperficial way to make herself feel "good" about herself and, well, I just caught holy for spending $50.

The long and short of it, I asked her as much....do we have the money for you to do that now? Immediately she became defensive, accused me of trying to control her, etc...WTF!!?

Yes, this was a value judgment on your part, and I'm afraid it came out as such in your communications with her. You defended not collecting the $50 reimbursement fee and then questioned her desire for a tattoo--because you feel it's a worthless expenditure designed to make her feel better about herself.

She felt attacked because it was verbalized as such, Rob. And I'm afraid that I do agree with GH that it further exacerbates your tendency to react in a P/A fashion.

Knowing that money is YOUR trigger for a very unpleasant dynamic, what can you do to 1) avoid it; 2) plan for it; 3) work around it?

Can you agree to assigning fun money each month and then agreeing to not offering an opinion on how that money is spent?

To summarize here: Money is not the issue here, Rob. It's the vehicle you and your W use to get at each other. Stop it. Immediately. Because it's keeping you both stuck in that hideous resentment building mode.

As far as positive reinforcement goes, why not let that go to the back burner for the time being? You've got some more important stuff to deal with that I feel is maybe getting in the way for you to be able to praise her authentically. IOW, I think it might come across as sarcasm because you're feeling so down about how you communicate right now. HOWEVER, I will say that if you do catch her doing something right and it does please you, speak up immediately.

I think you can teach her how to communicate specifically with you, Rob... but it's probably going to require you going first and doing it consistently for quite awhile before you see her initiating in a way that is very noticeable. You may have to ask questions and to lead her to that type of communication with you...

Big hugs,

Betsey