Ok, THIS caught my eye more than all the rest of that (sorry, not ignoring the rest, just leaving it for UD and others)...
Quote: The long and short of it, I asked her as much....do we have the money for you to do that now? Immediately she became defensive, accused me of trying to control her, etc...WTF!!?
I think you REALLY have to look hard at this dynamic because if it's like the one in my R, that actually I realized was there BEFORE the bombs fell, you need to be careful. My W used to say the same things. She is the one who does the bills and basically handles the money in the family. It is a big job and she does it VERY well. She also does not spend much money on herself EVER. She does buy things for the house and kids, but something like clothes or personal things just for her, very little of that ever happens. I actually try VERY hard to get her to spend a little on herself now and then. She does, but resists.
When it comes to ME spending money, something I have to do because of my business, etc, she usually gives me SOME amount of grief, wanting to know why I need xxx or yyy and if I can get by without it. I hardly ever just spend for spending sake so I feel justified when I do spend money.
That all said, what I noticed (with a little help from my W, the BAD kind of help) was that while I SAID I wanted her to spend money on herself, many times when she did, I got pissed (thought I did a better job of hiding it) and a lot of times asked what I though were fair, innocent questions about some recent spending SHE had done. In essence, saying "why can YOU spend money and I can't?"
To her, I was attacking her and reinforcing her belief that she should not spend on herself. To me, I was just trying to show her how I felt when SHE questioned me on my spending. What I now see it as was total P/A behavior. Instead of just being direct about how I felt when she challenged me on financial issues, something she has to right/responsibility to do since she has to do all the worrying about our money, I just lashed out at her at the WORST time. It really caused a problem for a long time until I figured out that I was doing this. It was not unlike when I realized that even though I SAID I wanted W to go out and have fun, I acted like an a-hole when she did. My actions did not match my words.
Just be careful, Rob, that you are not being P/A about this money issue. Don't "allow" her to get the tattoos only to be negative about it later.
Just some thoughts. Probably too specific, but it's what came to mind.
