An interesting perspective....

[PArob]

LOL GH, I think I wouuld be happy if your W xxx you too!

UD and GH, both, thank you so much. I know its a long road for all of us and one of the things I love about this board is that it provides us the opportunity to share these insights with one another.

I've spent the last few hours just doing some real soul-searching and trying to establish what it is that I need or want to do. Do I want my M to end? No, I want a happy, healthy R, just like the rest of us do. How do I achieve that in the face of piling resentments? I really don't know although both of you have provided some very valuable insight.

WHAT IF you were to see her MLC behaviors as an illness? (And actually, depression IS an illness and can be every bit as incapacitating as cancer, only most people are willing to stick by a cancer patient more easily than a depressed person.)

The question you pose here is less hypothetical and more practical. The fact is, she has a chronic illness; Anorexia/Bulimia, which has severe mental and physical attributes in and of themselves. Partly, she is unable to deal with her emotions and feelings other than by focusing on the one aspect of her life that she feels she can control: food. In reviewing a "checklist" as it were, of characteristics that typical ED sufferers display, she scores very high on that list. So yes, she is ill and no one wants to be perceived as abandoning an ill person. Plus, I want to help her....somewhere in that 98lb frame is the wife that I once knew, the wife that every once in a while shows herself. Yet,the difference between a cancer patient and an ED sufferer is that the cancer patient would likely seek treatment for their ailments, with full support of the S, whilst an ED sufferer is likely not willing to seek treatment, which leaves the spouse holding the rope of responsibility. One of the most hurtful things I think I heard my W say the other day was that she doesn't see how her "problem" is anyone elses concern and how she doesn't see what the effect is on our relationship. Well, lets see....if your numb and hollow emotionally, what does that leave for you to give back to the people who love you? What she does to her body is her choice. Damned be interpersonal relationships. She has effectively walled herself off from everyone important to her.

Okay, so lets ignore that for the moment and focus more on the control issue. As we know, ED sufferers have a need to control their surroundings to a great degree...whether its from a low self-esteem, self-worth or what have you. This is where I get into most trouble right now, becuase believe me....more than anything I just want to live a normal life.

A prime example of how frustrating this can be is what happened this past weekend. Over the past few months, my W has been working a great deal of overtime at work...purpotedly because we needed the money to do the fun things we had planned this summer (camping, trip to NYC, beach vacation, etc.) Okay, I had a hard time accepting that, but I can see her side of it. Our beach vacation is schduled in three weeks. Last weekend, we had planned to attend a concert in Pittsburgh with my Sister-in-Law. This excursion was already in the works, tickets paid for and everything. The plan was to travel to her parents house on Sautrday, leaves the girls there and attend the concert on Sunday. Last week, leading up to this, my W is very agitated and moody....turns out, she doesn't want to go to her parents house. Why? Because she doesn't want them lecturing her on her problem. So what do I do....of course I take the girls and go anyway, with an extra ticket. I offer the extra ticket to my brother-in-law, who decides to go. Making the best of the weekend, right? He doesn't offer to pay for the ticket and truthfully, I don't care. I help pay for gas, beer and parking on the Sunday excursion a total of about $50, plus travel expenses to and from my in-laws house. My W has a fit about the cost, the fact that her brother didn't pay for the ticket, etc. Gives me the guilty treatment for spending money because the beach vacation is in three weeks.

Fast forward to this week. Yesterday she announces she wants to get another tattoo (sixth one in a year) at a cost of about $100. Now, I'm not against tattoos in general (I have two myself) but in some strange way for her its a sufperficial way to make herself feel "good" about herself and, well, I just caught holy for spending $50.

The long and short of it, I asked her as much....do we have the money for you to do that now? Immediately she became defensive, accused me of trying to control her, etc...WTF!!?

So, that's a long story to illustrate my point. I feel that while my communication skills can be lacking, I do try and be less judgemental and more specific. Problem is, many times her feelings aren't very specific and, if they are, she can't explain them to me. In many ways, i feel that the only communication style acceptable to my W is for me to keep my trap shout about anything at all.

Okay, sorry....this is a rant of a major order and I'll try to react constructively to your insights. Maybe you're right....I've been evaluating my communication style to determine whether I can shift the paradigm just a bit and maybe there is room for improvement here. That and more patience. The other thing I've been racking my brain about today is to find some ways to provide positive reinforcement (although I'm having a real hard time doing that right now), but I've also been trying to look at it from a different perspective (namely, hers) to see if there are things that she IS doing that I'm missing.

Thank you for the opportunity to rant and for helping me shift the perspective a bit.....I really need to focus on that and see what it is that I can do.