An interesting perspective....

[Underdog]

Hiya Rob,

I'm glad you clarified things--they make better sense to me now, and I have a more clear picture of how things are for you at the moment.

One thing I'd like to preface before heading down a path is the fact that you are in a position to DB her while she's still living at home. I'm not calling you lucky or unlucky--because both scenarios have their pros and cons--but just want to point out that it's going to have some tough issues because you're stuck in a sitch where she's adding to your pile of resentments.

And I hear you loud and clear, brother.

My sitch was different, because I had to DB while Mr. Wonderful was living in an apartment. While it made it tough, and he indicated that he physically had at least one foot out the door, I had a break from his selfishness and "all about him" attitude. So please know I know it's there--I just didn't have to live and breathe it like you do.

So, given the fact that she's residing there and taking full advantage of you, let's see if we can't refine some of these points and apply them directly to you.

It's going to be tricky, because you're going to have to keep score without keeping score and really work hard at keeping those resentments at bay. I really would have a difficult time maneuvering her selfish behaviors too, so please know none of this is intended as a slam to you.

I know you have some questions and decisions for her down the road... and you're going to be entitled to ask them. But how about we ease you into those gradually, and let some actions do some major league speaking for you?

First of all, a paradigm shift might be in order. WHAT IF you were to see her MLC behaviors as an illness? (And actually, depression IS an illness and can be every bit as incapacitating as cancer, only most people are willing to stick by a cancer patient more easily than a depressed person.)

If you were to see her as ill and needing you to be the strong parent and spouse for awhile, would it give you an added incentive for more patience? I'm not saying that you need to give her an indefinite amount of time to figure this stuff out, but just some time for you both to see how things settle once the dust has cleared.

When she complains about having to be a parent or to assume responsibilities around the house, I might be inclined to use that opportunity to ask for more specific feedback? Ask her specifically why she's so unhappy, and you don the hat of solution detective to dig a little deeper rather than accept her words at face value.

I realize since you're doing the lion's share of the work and you continue to hear resentment pouring out of her mouth that it doesn't give you warm and fuzzies. But try to use your GAL activities as the means to keep that resentment at bay...

Perhaps if she accuses you of being selfish by doing XXX, say to her, "W, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by some of the duties I've picked up lately. I'm more than willing to do more so that you can find some time for yourself, so can we talk about why you feel I shouldn't be doing things for myself too?"

Just maybe if you were to really work on your communications with her she might see how her actions are affecting you?

What do you think?

Betsey