An interesting perspective....

[PArob]

Hi UD and thanks for stopping by...you always seem to provide some very valuable insight and once agian, you haven't let me down.

IMHO, you're not quite ready for that, so why not improvise and change what's in your heart and see if anything makes a difference?

In my own opinion, I guess I'm really not ready for it either because if I truly were, then I wouldn't be agonizing over the decision as much as I have....it just feels like we've both come to a point where we can no longer see eye to eye, unless I'm willing to come around to her point of view. To be fair, maybe I haven't been patient enough in these past few weeks....but then again, how must patience should one have?

I think maybe you've hit on something here on trying something different and maybe I need to give that more thought instead of the old black or white thinking.

Perhaps it's not the fact that you're pulling back but how you're pulling back. IOW, maybe the mechanism you've employed in doing this does harm to your R rather than do you good?

Can you elaborate an example and the way you feel berated?

I guess one of the better examples I can give is that over the past several months, I have taken on a lot of other duties with regard to housekeeping and child rearing in an effort to give her time to rest (she works nights) and also, because my girls have sensed that mommy isn't exactly there like she used to be and I am attempting to fill that void. Lately, I've been letting some of that slip in an effort to do something for myself (prime example, I can't remember the last time I read a book for pleasure and not self-help). For this, I get it from both ends....she will complain that she has to do "everything" (mind you, I haven't stopped doing everything and still do a good amount) and when I am reading, she'll make comments about how I'm being distant. I explain to her that I'm not trying to be distant, that I am there, but unfortunately it usually ends up in an argument.

Perhaps you feel as though your GAL efforts should bring forth a positive response from her?

Not so much of an expectation here...I don't truly expect any positive response in this regard from her. The expectation that I do have is that she will take responsibility for doing for herself and our children on an equal footing basis. Over the past several months, her GAL or what have you has been all about her and her ability to get away from everything while my GAL efforts have been geared more towards things that bring me closer to my girls, as well as some independent GAL efforts (joining a gym, reading for pleasure).

I guess part of the thing that bothers me the most is the shell that she has contstructed around herself with regard to everyone....her family, our girls, me, friends, etc. Basically, her life has been reduced to laying in the sun during the day while the girls are at camp, tattoos when she can get them, and working...sometimes to the extreme. As my T put it, she seems to be regressing to her teenage years and, for all intents and purposes, she acts like a spoiled teenage on many days. In the meantime, her relationship with our daughters has been detoriating (as noted by my 10 year old to her grandmother), she doesn't want anything to do with her family, and she is unwilling to try and make a difference in the R, even though she has expressed, on numerous occassions, that she wants to. Again, part of the problem here is that she is completely "numb and hollow" (her words) and doesn't feel any sense of self-worth. Sadly, in her condition, she doesn't feel that she is worthy of love and respect and can't understand why those who love her actually give a sh*t. As much as I am frustrated with her attitude towards our relationship, I am equally frightened about her impact on our children's lives.

Sorry, I started rambling here....and I wanted to stick to the point.

Anyway, can you let go of the rope further? See yourselves as good friends and roommates right now and see what effort she's willing to put forth to save the intimate part of your R? Continue those GAL efforts--not for the purpose of getting her to notice you--but for the sole purpose that you are fulfilled by doing them. If the purpose is merely for a distraction from your home life, that's fine too. But do them just because--and stop trying to tie an outcome or an expectation to those efforts.

Again, I would reiterate that my GAL efforts haven't been geared to get her to notice me....they really are more self-fulfilling than anything else. So I don't believe that's a problem in and of itself. Now, as for letting go of the rope a little further, I suppose I should evaluate that just a bit more but then again, in thinking through some of this stuff it occurs to me that my W hasn't really let go of the rope in regard to our R and perhaps this is the crux of the problem. I believe she still sees herself in an "intimate" R with me and all that goes with that. She still sees herself as part of our old M and despite the fact that she has changed, she hasn't changed her perspective in how our R should operate. I really feel like I'm rambling once again, so sorry UD, because I understand and believe in everything you have said. Yes, I do want to let go of the rope a little bit further and try to live merely as roomates. Heck, I've even told her that whatever she needs to do with her life, she has to do and that I would help and support her in any way that I could through that. I'm not trying to hold her back and would encourage her to find a way to live a happy, fulfilling life. The only problem is she has no idea what that means. In the meantime, she still maintains the "old gaurd" control over many aspects of our R.

In the end, yes, the one expectation I have is that she would want to be find a way to be happy. She has told me that she wants to be happy in this R, but yet will not take a step forward to find that happiness. I just want change, movement, anything.