An interesting perspective....

[Underdog]

Hi Rob,

It sure looks like you've come to the proverbial fork in the road. So without assuming I know what you really want, I'd like to throw an idea out here before anyone asks you if you're ready to throw in the towel. IMHO, you're not quite ready for that, so why not improvise and change what's in your heart and see if anything makes a difference?

find myself trying to prop up the R and when I pull back even in the slightest, I'm berated for doing so.

Perhaps it's not the fact that you're pulling back but how you're pulling back. IOW, maybe the mechanism you've employed in doing this does harm to your R rather than do you good?

Can you elaborate an example and the way you feel berated?

I have GAL as much as I possibly can, but its hard when the other person doesn't pick up the slack where you leave off.

The second part of this sentence tells me that you have some major league expectations here in this equation. Is this close to being accurate? Perhaps you feel as though your GAL efforts should bring forth a positive response from her?

I'd love to beam you over some of the wisdom I gained along the way. Since I can't infuse you with that wisdom, you're just going to have to settle for some words.

I don't believe things are over for you. Far from it. However, if I had anything definite to say to anyone or everyone here, it would be that expectations will surely sound the death knell of any marriage. I'm not just applying this to our obviously unhealthy marriages, but even ones where things are more functional.

Expectations are unfair, unverbalized tests we set to trap others--because we are (for whatever reason) not willing to let them be known. Women are very intuitive creatures, and I can tell you from experience that being in an R where there are obvious expectations that I cannot fulfill is the beginning of the end for me.

I'm not talking about socially acceptable expectations like fidelity, honesty and truth, but ones where there are customs, belief systems and mores that get in the way.

Detaching is a very difficult concept to grasp. It sounds unkind and unloving, but if the concept is grasped properly, it is anything but. You're basically untangling yourself from a R with unhealthy tentacles (and sometimes it's difficult to see where one person ends and another begins) and becoming your own person IN a R and allowing her to be the same. You're 2 whole spiritual beings who choose to be in an intimate R--not one being with an inability to decipher who's who and who's needs are what. It's a way of allowing her to come to the R willingly and with her own talents and accepting them for what they are--and the reciprocal of that should also be true (if the R is going to be healthy). I typically avoid using the word "should".

Anyway, can you let go of the rope further? See yourselves as good friends and roommates right now and see what effort she's willing to put forth to save the intimate part of your R? Continue those GAL efforts--not for the purpose of getting her to notice you--but for the sole purpose that you are fulfilled by doing them. If the purpose is merely for a distraction from your home life, that's fine too. But do them just because--and stop trying to tie an outcome or an expectation to those efforts.

Right now, saving the intimate part of your R should be on a back burner. You're trying to salvage the friendship. I am a firm believer of protecting the friendship--it's the cement that glues Rs and it should be the ultimate priority when things go amok.

If this were any other friend, what advice would you give to them if they were you? List them out and let's see what you come up with...

Lastly...

I just know that right now, my R is toxic to me and I must find a way to get back to myself.

You said it best! I don't think it's toxic per se, but you have expectations here that are preventing you from seeing any progress. I know it might be small and baby steps, but how will you know unless you drop the rope?

Good luck and hugs,

Betsey