Hi. I haven't posted to you before. Lord knows I don't have all the answers. But before I continue with my post, I think its only fair that I give you my "stats".
M45 W40 Married 13yrs ILYBINILWY many times over the last six years. W moved out 01/06 Divorce....12/06?
Now my post.
I have a W like yours. Many of us here do. I used to think only mine was selfish, self centered, uncaring, crazy, immature, etc. But there are so many others here with the same situation. Something is wrong. I think the something is us. I believe Frank_D hit it right on the head. We are "Fixers" or "enablers". We pride ourselves in "doing the right thing." "Taking the high road", and "dbing."
My W did horrible things to me, and to this day only wants (besides all my money) me to admit how cruel I was too her.
I have three children. D11, S6, and D4. When my oldest was 4, I found out W was having an affair, and actually TRYING to get pregnant by OM. I couldn't believe my ears. After many arguments, and fights, she broke it off. Actually, OM realized that she was a horror story and told her to stop calling him.
Back then, I looked at my four year old daughter and I couldn't leave. I felt like I had been crushed. I read all the books, thought that "this happens in lots of marriages" and we could get through it. I also had all the fears you do now. W would get custody, I would lose my home, I would be paying tons of CS. Daughter would be raised by a series of OM.
I should have left....THEN.
It's six years later, and not a damn thing has changed. W has had numerous A's, crushed me financially, and moved out. I can't get my six years back.
But I did get me back. My house is clean, my kids are happy, and there is peace in my home. Two years ago, I stopped fixing. She spent on herself lavishly. She never contributed to the family bills. She was always broke. I found out later, that she still had money for gifts for OP's. Eventually her behavior caught up with her. She owed creditors and screamed at me to pay them. I refused. She needed gas money, or cell phone bill money, or whatever money...I refused. She stopped taking care of the kids. She stopped cleaning, stopped cooking, and eventually stopped coming home. It was better that way. Now, I wasn't waiting to find out if she wasn't going to be there...I knew she wasn't. No need for contingency plans.
They're almost like drug addicted people. Everyone else is the reason for their problems, but in actuality they are problem. Give em’ time (don't fix em') and they will crash. Guaranteed.
I never stopped caring about her, but I had to care for me more. That's how she will learn to respect you. It's simple. It's called tough love.
If W doesn't want to let go of the A, it's because she feels like she doesn't have to. You are allowing that. I'm not telling you to "put your foot down." We all know that the only person you can control is you. Think about it. When she does something you don't like, you have a choice about how to react. You can control that.
At this point, if she wants OM, I would tell her to do whatever she thinks is best. That you love her and only want the best for her, but you won’t wait anymore. And no, do not finance it. I wouldn't finance anything except how your D5 is cared for. Tell W that you respect her choices, that you feel bad that your not one of them and leave it at that. From then on, I would treat her like buddy. AND GAL!!!!!
One last thing. We teach people how to treat us. Man-up. You had a big hand in creating this. Now empower yourself and do something about it.
