Back together and piecing

[frank_D]

Like Om. W seems to chose losers. Does that make me one too? No, I'm better than that. I guess once she made the wrong choice

I think you are a FIXER. She needed someone like that, and you needed someone like her. Now you both need to throw off those old clothes because they no longer serve you in yor adulthood.

My W was similar. She picked loser due to low self esteem. She found me but was feeling undeserving of such a great person.

I got tired of being a fixer. WHen I need 'fixing' she could not be there for me.

[frank_D]

I also see me closer and closer to moving out again. I know I wrote here I wouldn't b/c of D5. But I can take only so much. I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through another A and 'act as if' and be nice and take care of D5 at the same time.

Under these conditions, why can't SHE move out?

[EvolvingMe]

Frank,

Yes, I am a fixer. How did you know?

But I haven't fixed anything for her in the last 6 months. Besides providing some money during the separation. And I was chewed out for 'not helping'.

She can't move out b/c we moved back together into a house SHE is renting, and she signed a year lease. The house we own is currently up for sale and emty. We have a pretty bad contract w/a realtor W chose until the end of this month. If we don't sell the house by then I could move back into it.

And perhaps I just started my own little MLC. I needed to fix myself. And I needed a new car before the rain here starts again, I usually ride a motorcycle. So I just bought myself a nice little mustang. The first new car I ever owned. Let's call this a 180.

EvolvingMe

[JohnS58]

Hi EM - I don't like the sound of this concert "business" either. It appears like she is reverting back to old behavioral patterns. The problems are hers, not yours, even though you are impacted by them because you care so very much. At least you have your head on straight. I don't know what to advise but I am sure glad you got yourself a nice vehicle which I hope you enjoy. Maybe you are right about returning to your home and detaching for a while. She is bound to come to her senses sooner or later but I hate to see you get emotionally worked over like this as her MLC plays itself out.

[EvolvingMe]

Talking about MLC and being unreasonable. Yesterday I told W how hurtful it is the way she treats me w/A, and acting not M towards coworkers and friends she makes online. I realize this is not DBing, but right now I don't care. I need a decision regarding Om. Anyway, she said she can see that this behaviour hurts me. So 10 min later she asks if she can take MY new car for a ride. I said no, I just told you that you are really hurting me and you don't care about me. Why should I give you something right now that you can have fun?

Again, I realize that this is totally against DB and can be seen as retaliation. Perhaps it is. She did go to the concert w/o me but w/people she met online. Although she did have a ticket for me and had already arranged for a babysitter. And I told her before she left that this really hurts me. She said she is sorry about that but she can't do anything about it. WTF, she can't? She plain doesn't WANT to.

Anyway, she didn't get the car and had a tantrum. WOW, have seen something like this only from my D5. It is amazing.

Later last night we talked about the whole sitch some more. W said that the R w/Om is no R, and certainly not an A. He is just somebody 'she cares about'. I told her that's the way she sees it, for me it was a PA and is now EA. I asked her if she can talk to her T about it. I also told her if that is the life she wants we will have to S again.

I'm done being a provider, babysitter, and the one to blame for everything.

Which brings me to another question. Fri is her BD. I'm not sure if I should give her a gift at all. I got something small for D5 to give her and a fairly neutral card. I know she expects a gift (she already hinted about a $500 purse). No way.

[seb71]

Man E,

Your sitch is really a tough one. If it weren't for your D, I would hope that you would have moved out by then. It seems like your W wants to hurt you for some reason...

No car, NO gift, that's my vote. What has she done to deserve anything? Unless you consider treating you like s**t something deserving of a gift...?

Again, I REALLY feel for you.

Hope your house doesn't sell, hope you move back in, and if you still want to sell it, the get a real estate agent of your choice.

Seb

[cat03]

if she had a ticket for you why didnt' you go? I know sometimes it's hard to be the better person, but she actually arranged for you two to go out.

I also dont' agree w/not getting her what she wants for her bday, (that must be a gold plated purse!) at the most I'd take her out to a nice restaurant and that's it.

I agree w the way you are doing things, hang in there)))))

[EvolvingMe]

Hi cat,

Thanks for stopping by. I wanted to go but she told me 'I'm going by myself, I don't want you there' and she sold my ticket on the day of the concert and cancelled the babysitter. That really hurts!

Yesterday she apologized, said that was wrong. But then she mentioned going to another concert in LA on Fri, her BD. This time she wants me to go too. But we don't have a babysitter for the night, so that seems to be impossible. And flights might be expensive too. Perhaps this is why she wants me to come? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm getting more and more confused. Any insights into this MLC mind?

[cat03]

sorry, didn't realize it was her idea to get rid of your ticket.

Who'll be paying for the concert? do you guys have your finances joined or is the concert coming out of her pocket? Sounds like she is still in replay mode, live hard and enjoy it...even if you can't afford it, *sigh* just remind me how my H would make plans w/me to do stuff but didn't end up doing anything because he "had no money" at the same time he booked a 1,000 trip to Vegas with OP, there is just no sense of reality in the MLC mind.

[EvolvingMe]

Cat,

Since we are still M, finances are joint, CA is a community property state.

I can totally relate to the Vegas trip. Is that something out of the MLC book????? After I found out about the PA, W told me she is going to Vegas w/Om. She will have the vacation she never had in her life. Those were probably the most difficult 6 weeks of my life.

Yesterday I wrote W email asking how she sees OR w/Om in it. She replied that she wants me to be patient and wait until she makes up her mind about her feelings towards Om and me. So basically leave it the way it is.

This morning she wanted to hug me and I was hesitant. I still don't want a M w/3 people. She got upset again and said I'm reaching out to you but you don't accept it. I told her as long as her heart is w/somebody else she is not really reaching out to me. W replied that she would be completely w/me if I weren't so upset and angry about the sitch. And I said I'm upset and angry b/c you have an A.

I was for months nice, upbeat, complimented her, while she was having an A. She even acknowledged my changes. But after I found out that she contacted Om again, and the way she did it, I was very upset.

Most of you her on the board probably think I should just DB again, be nice and let the A go it's way. I'm not capable of this anymore. I can't detach emotionally enough to do this. So I run out of energy. I realize my sitch is not so bad besides the A. I just can't get it out of my mind.

I don't want to be nice anymore while she is having an A. This morning she asked me again if she could drive my car. I told her maybe, if she packs up the cell phone Om gave her and ships it back to him. She got upset again.

And she probably will be upset tomorrow. Her BD. I still don't have a gift for her and don't know if I want to buy one.

Anybody here to get me back on the right track? Is this really worth fighting for? Where do you guys get the strength to do this (I'm not a religious person)?

EvolvingMe