Well, I have a little different view here on step son, so bear with me.
As the DB way, try something different.
Your wife and step son are acting the same way, like teenagers trying to discover themselves and press everyone’s buttons and see what the limits are.
From what I’ve read in your sitch, anytime you react to step son, you feel overridden by your wife and ignored.
So stop beating the dead horse. Tell your step son once: ‘Hey, I’m here for you, but I’m not dealing with your BS anymore, when you need to talk to me or whatever, come to me”.
Then be done, detach. He’ll get his consequences, through the court or such.
There are things you can do, take away TV, Video games, etc. If you are overridden by your wife, then do it on your own time. He make not respect it now, he may respect it in the future. I know it’s a fine line between ‘offending’ your wife or ‘offending’ you step son. What’s right for you? Long term, I believe wife and step son will respect you more, even if it doesn’t seem like it right now.
Or don’t, back off, way off. Detach and deal with your issues and give him the same line as above but add, ‘you want your freedom and want to act like an adult, then fine, I’m done cleaning up your mess from YOUR actions” (you can probably word it better…). Hopeful he’ll realize that only he controls himself and his actions.
Basically, you know your stich the best, Try a different method, measure results, and stop going down the cheese less tunnels. Both for wife and your step son.
