Currently, W believes it would be best if he lives w/his father. And I agree. It is actually very similar to WAS living w/Op. They live in a fantasy world. Once they are together more often they will see the Op has faults too. And often realize at some point the grass isn't greener...
I hope the same thing would happen w/sS15 and his father. As soon as he is there for more than 2 weeks he will see that he has no friends there, daddy has to work too, there won't be enough money to sustain the fun times of only 2 weeks, perhaps he will be asked going to school...
I have actually seen the same thing happen to my brother. He left my mother b/c my father was fun, they had good times together over the weekend. But after 2 or 3 weeks living the real life and seeing that is is not any different he went back to my mother and was ok.
Well, I have a little different view here on step son, so bear with me.
As the DB way, try something different.
Your wife and step son are acting the same way, like teenagers trying to discover themselves and press everyone’s buttons and see what the limits are.
From what I’ve read in your sitch, anytime you react to step son, you feel overridden by your wife and ignored.
So stop beating the dead horse. Tell your step son once: ‘Hey, I’m here for you, but I’m not dealing with your BS anymore, when you need to talk to me or whatever, come to me”.
Then be done, detach. He’ll get his consequences, through the court or such.
There are things you can do, take away TV, Video games, etc. If you are overridden by your wife, then do it on your own time. He make not respect it now, he may respect it in the future. I know it’s a fine line between ‘offending’ your wife or ‘offending’ you step son. What’s right for you? Long term, I believe wife and step son will respect you more, even if it doesn’t seem like it right now.
Or don’t, back off, way off. Detach and deal with your issues and give him the same line as above but add, ‘you want your freedom and want to act like an adult, then fine, I’m done cleaning up your mess from YOUR actions” (you can probably word it better…). Hopeful he’ll realize that only he controls himself and his actions.
Basically, you know your stich the best, Try a different method, measure results, and stop going down the cheese less tunnels. Both for wife and your step son.
I believe that's where I am. The last alternative you described. I detached from him. The last time I noticed he didn't want to go to school I asked him if he does. He answered 'it is not in my best interest'. I told him that is his decision I can't make him. He has to deal w/the consequences.
On the other hand I can't control W either. And she is the legal guardian. If she decides to send him to his father than that's what happens.
Quote: Probation officer told him he has to go to school and there will be random drug screens. He doesn't go to school and failed the drug screen. He still doesn't understand there will be consequences.
Then make consequences. Why isn't his probation officer on top of this? If he kicks the door or the refridgerator why don't you call the police or make him pay to get it fixed?
Quote: So how do I put my foot down? W will just throw me out again.
Ask a professional in your area. Get some ideas. That's what you can do. Give us more information, there are a lot of smart people on this board who may have some ideas
Quote: I'm getting upset as being blamed. Especially by you guys who don't know the past.
Ok GH, one thing I am not doing is 'blaming' you. I had a similar problem with disciplie and W so I'm not going to be the one to give you crap for the past. I'm calling you to task for the present.
I have seen too many people 'give up' on boys. They won't do that with a girl but they will with a boy.
If you think there is no hope for you to be able to influence this kid, then find out what you can do to get D5 out of there.
And it is very interesting that S15 and W seem to be cut from the same mold. Have you ever asked her WHY she doesn't want to discipline him? Is she afraid of him?
You're a good man. I know if theres anything you can do, you will do it.
Quote: Then make consequences. Why isn't his probation officer on top of this? If he kicks the door or the refridgerator why don't you call the police or make him pay to get it fixed?
I would, but he has no money, W has paid his 'mistakes' so far, but in the end it is my money. She is not going to make him work.
Quote: Ask a professional in your area. Get some ideas. That's what you can do. Give us more information, there are a lot of smart people on this board who may have some ideas
He is in C, additionally sees a psychiatrist, was in a hospital for a few days. They prescribed medication, he refused to take it. Again, I can't force him to take it.
Quote: And it is very interesting that S15 and W seem to be cut from the same mold. Have you ever asked her WHY she doesn't want to discipline him? Is she afraid of him?
No, W was disciplined during her whole childhood, never accepted and there is something else, I believe you wrote something similar about your W. She didn't 'want to make the same mistakes' her 'parents' did. She she went to the other extreme. We discussed this in a couple of our MC sessions.
If I had a solution I would immediately work on it. I believe that this problem w/sS15 is also a major problem for our M and extremely depressing W.
Quote: Nothing personal, but I don't like to be told I SHOULD have done things in the past. I believe I did, just not very successful.
You know what Evolving, I am with you on this one. I think the people on here should cut you a little slack and even perhaps appologize for some of their harsh words. I am sure that they are trying to help, but are perhaps in fact making matters worse...
Even though I don't have children, I was quite the pest myself even with having pretty good guidance and rules set out by BOTH my parents. I was a rebel and could only imagine how I would have turned out if my parents had not MADE me respect them during my younger years. You sound like a nice decent human being, your W on the other hand, i am not sure about her.
I am not sure what advice I would give you at all... I just feel for your sitch very much and wish you the courage and strength to get through it.
Would you kindly tell me why you married this woman? (Don't mean to be an a**, she just sounds really fu**ed up in the head...
My sitch
Me 35
WAW 34
Married 4 years
NO kids
BOMB July 21 2006
Man, E, I really feel for you, the more I read, the more I hear a little voice in the back of my head saying; "He should get the hell out of there", sorry, but as previously mentionned in a post, your wife must have changed as she does not seem to have many qualities or reasons for you to want to stay with her other than your D... I can appreciate your tenacity, but how much BS and pain are you willing/able to endure...?
If you were to get a D, could you get custody of your D?
My sitch
Me 35
WAW 34
Married 4 years
NO kids
BOMB July 21 2006
Quote: Man, E, I really feel for you, the more I read, the more I hear a little voice in the back of my head saying; "He should get the hell out of there", sorry, but as previously mentionned in a post, your wife must have changed as she does not seem to have many qualities or reasons for you to want to stay with her other than your D... I can appreciate your tenacity, but how much BS and pain are you willing/able to endure...?
If you were to get a D, could you get custody of your D?
I HATE to say this but I feel the same way. If SHE is so f*ed up and you are unable to effact any change with S and W then maybe your only choice is to just go. I hate to be a quitter but this is a lesson she and her son may need to learn.
You may want to tell her about my W, as you said she was trying 'not to make the same mistakes' and swung the wrong way.
EM, I understand your problem of trying to discipline a stepchild without support of bio parent. I've been thru the same sitch with H's 3 kids, two of whom came to live with us. Their mom didn't discipline them, she just wanted to be a good friend. H didn't want to cause controversy, he tries to avoid that at all costs. H and I renovated my home to accomodate his kids, blah blah blah, I gave my best effort to make them feel welcome, and I became the minority in my own place. The youngest son eventually went back to live with his bio mom. In the middle of the night he called from jail, wanted bail money, H finally got balls and said no, son stayed in jail for 3 days until someone else bailed him out. Seems that was what turned his life around, and now years later he seems to be a decent person. The oldest son tried very passively to manipulate H all during his years with us, and the night he was leaving for college and H was driving him there, it all came to a head. I sat in the middle of the yard while stepson screamed at me how I had done not one thing for him or to support him all the years he lived with us. H just stood and listened, said nothing. A year later, after stepson dropped out of college (I followed thru on what he thought, I DID quit supporting him), got his girlfriend pregnant and she quit college, they got married, they called us to come and get them off the east coast and they moved in with us for a while, it was pure hell all over again for me, dejavu except with a DIL now too, they saved money and moved out. Fast forward a couple more years, I received a letter from oldest stepson and DIL. They thanked me for everything I had done for them, apologized for how they treated me while they lived with me and H.
EM, no one can tell you what is the best thing to do right now. You can use caution and protect yourself, you can keep trying new and different and old and the same, you can make yourself dizzy going in circles. You already know you cannot control W or sS15, you can only try your hardest to make the best of the situation and protect yourself. I do understand that you are trying your best, that's what we all do. If official authorities are involved, try and keep them up to date with details and don't let them drop the ball so sS15 slips thru the cracks. These problems are bigger than you can handle without help and the potential is huge to get worse. Protect your family.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
