I think you said it all on your previous post when you wrote: "I did and am still doing my best. If it isn't enough ....."
Your situation is at the top of my thoughts today. I only wish you guys could find a decent marriage counsellor who wants to work with both of you and is pro-active and supportive of marriage. It seems like most of them out there don't know what the hell they are doing. I hope this week goes better for you. Continue to keep us in the loop.
Withdraw yourself from her. Go dark. Neutralize your interactions. In your mind, decide that she is not your wife and you will no longer be giving her any of YOURSELF.
I had to get to that point too, for different reasons, but it WAS hurting me too much to stay emotionally connected to W.
Be friendly, but not a friend. As my counselor said, 'treat her like you would any other person on this earth, and if you are religious do the 'what would Jesus do?' test with any interaction. As I like to say, "Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave". You really are not letting her see how it feels to have you NOT in her life. She only sses you as 'there', and as an irritant when you are telling her what she can and cannot do with OM. Think "Teenager".
Remember, she is your D's mother and you will always respect her, and care for her as necessary because of that.
However, she continues to FORFIET access to your heart. Deliberatly. It's her fault she is too weak to figure out how to deal with her life and her emotions.
Back off and take care of YOU. Get out of the house more. She has not earned you. Yet.
Maybe you'll get something out of my old thread HERE
Similar situation. W thinks she can have it all - a divorce, live good, and I'll always be there to support her while she plays the field of men.
EM, Im so sorry she just can't seem to see what she is doing, I don't know what to say only that you are in my prayers, I hope w/all my heart that reality sets in her brain sometime soon. hugs))))))))))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I did read your thread but have totally forgotten what happened about during the time you linked. I just reread your postings from 03/08 (Frank in pieces). Wow, I can certainly relate to the way you felt then. When my W told me she wants to work on it, go to counseling, move back together, she was also reaching for me. I was gone for her at that time. Now SHE is gone again.
Over the weekend I felt like throwing in the towel, move out, desperate like when she dropped the bomb. W/o my D5 I probably would have given up. I will take your advise and make myself less available.
Could you see a certain point where your W turned back towards you or did that happen gradually?
W and I just took D5 to her first day of school. What should be a happy day starts for me really sad. All the other parents happy w/their kids, married couples, some holding hands. And there I am, have a happy and excited D5, w/W that doesn't want this family anymore.
D5 will have to go to daycare after school. Will have to go to daycare before school. Won't have a parent at home for lunch and for helping w/homework in the afternoon like her brother did. B/c W chose to work full time to pay of bills wrecked up during the last year by her and for childcare and for whatever other reasons.
D5 brother, my stepS15, totally messed up. Rejected by his biol. father, his mother having and A w/someone 10 years younger, and introduced this person to sS15. Since then he acts destructive. Refuses to go to school, drugs, police.....
Now W wants to get rid of him. Something she would have never considered a year ago. But she feels bad about it. I can't even imagine how bad. I also can't imagine wanting to send my D5 away. I think W wants me to comfort her about this, do I?
I feel this family is falling apart and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so helpless. And the children will suffer most.
And then D5 was sick for the last few days. W and I had this argument over the weekend. Can't get any sleep. I have no energy anymore to fight.
Quote: Now W wants to get rid of him. Something she would have never considered a year ago. But she feels bad about it. I can't even imagine how bad. I also can't imagine wanting to send my D5 away. I think W wants me to comfort her about this, do I?
NO! You get hyped about fighting for this kids soul! What do you mean "there is nothing I can do about it?" BullSh*t. Get up! Get BACK on your feet. You are NOT beaten. You're W may be STUPID but YOU are not. Your kids, step kids included, NEED a real MAN to show them the way.
Get up to the plate. Just because YOU aren't getting what you want doesn't mean you don't take care of business. A boy needs a man to show him the way.
How will you feel in 5 years knowing that YOU didn't do ALL you could do for this boy? Will mister 20 something year old do it? I think not.
And yes, when you DO act like the man in this famliy your W WILL notice.
Sorry frank, but you don't know the sitch. I can take care of business, but I can't show stepS15 the way. Tried for years. W interfered. He has never learned that there are consequences for behaviour. He yelled at his mom and she apologized. He broke somthing on purpose, W bought it new for him and apologized. He doesn't go to school, W is nice to him and offers him to get a tattoo.
W is mad at his T b/c T told W she needs to discipline him. He is in T for 1.5 years. Nothing changed.
Probation officer told him he has to go to school and there will be random drug screens. He doesn't go to school and failed the drug screen. He still doesn't understand there will be consequences.
I'm NOT going to let this happen to my D5. I will fight for her. But I can't fight for sS15. Like I can't do for my W what she has to figure out in her life, I can't tell him there will be reactions to his actions. He is at a point where he has to learn this on his own. Unfortunately it is kind of late for that now.
And quite honestly, I'm a little afraid when he is around D5. If he gets angry (and is on drugs) and kicks in a front door or smashes in a car windshield w/his fist, it is scary. I'm not afraid of a physical confrontation (I have a black belt in TaeKwonDo and experience in other martial arts), but I don't want one. And I don't want my D5 observing this either.
