I have been doing some stuff to GAL here's what I did over the weekend:
Friday night I had a BBQ for friends, family and staff at my house… the first real party I have had there since I moved in last Oct.
Everyone me included had a great time.
On Saturday the kids and I got up and we noticed there was no breakfast food in the house so we went to the grocery store and bought whatever kind of cereal we wanted and we had a breakfast party when we got home… and then we cleaned the house up.
That afternoon one of my friends called me and we went for a raft down the river with her family and had a good time.
I chatted with the new lady I’m interested in and made plans to go meet her next weekend.
Sunday we went for breakfast with my parents, Sister and BIL. Later that afternoon we went down to the Annual Street performer’s festival and watched some very cool “Buskers” doing their shows.
After next weekend I have a Golf Vacation that I am taking with my BIL and then my “Kung Fu Brothers” Wedding on the Sunday that I am going to attend with my Friend.
After that school starts soon and my schedule is murky until my “Ex” gets her job situation sorted out.
I have felt badly ever since She was last dropping the kids off at my house that my ‘have a nice life” comment was overly harsh…
I just sent her a Text message that she won’t get till tonight stating this: “Sorry if I was harsh when you left… I feel badly about the last thing I said… just wondering how u r doing and if anything on the job front has happened”
I don’t know if I should have or shouldn’t have… I don’t feel bad about any of the other things I said… I guess I just don’t want to “cut” the last bit of rope that was the bridge between us.
I am doing my best to stay positive… I have lots of good things to look forward to but I can’t get away from the feeling that a piece of me is missing.
"Hey... Its nice to hear from you... Really nice :-)... "
Then she explains about her job and how it will go into mid Sept. she will get me the schedule and how she hopes to get the Perm. job after that...
She followed up with a Text about sons First day of school... and how she plans to go... asked me If I was going...
I replied I didn't know about the school... and made the offer of supper... with "No Nonsense" as I am cooking up a fresh batch of "lunch" stuff tonight...
I doubt the answer will be yes... this is the 3rd or 4th time I have offered... If it is no... I think it will be the last.
Just before I got home Lawyer phones and I confirmed to him to put Divorce "on hold" till further notice... with this stuff going on I will just let it alone until "Ex" brings it up...
So "Ex" showed up 15 min Before time I suggested that she come for supper...
She came in and said I'm not staying for supper but since you invited me I thought I would drop by.
I said you might as well have supper it is ready...
She said no... another time... I have some shopping to do...
I said well how about you let me make you some to go
She really liked that...
She came in we chatted about the schedule and got it set into September.
She has a really good chance to get on Full time with the company she is working with...
Hope for stress on relationship with New "BF" still there...
Then we chatted about little things... basically avoiding talking about anyother people in our lives...
She complimented my New Tattoo and said how much she liked it and thought it looks even better every time she sees it...
She asked how I have been doing...
I Looked at her and replied... "Not Good... but I don't want to talk about it.." very calmly and seriously
She was quiet and said Ok...
We chatted a bit more and I mentioned one good thing about being angry.. Im getting real good results in the Gym...
She said ... yah anger is good that way... and then realized it was her that I am angry at...
I fixed up her "To Go" Supper and said you know... you have been her long enough now to have had supper...
She blinked and said Oh I need to get going... and then she said...
Ok... Im going to hug you... just a friendly hug.. just a nice hug... I find it comforting...
I looked at her and said "Shut up and hug me allready"
NOTE: COMFORTING WTF am I your daddy... sheesh...
She hugged me big and hard and only let go becasue her phone started ringing...
Great... interupted by the "OM"
It would be the new "BF" of course... She ran out to car because she knew I would not like her talking to him in my house...
And said she would be back to say bye to the kids...
She came back gave them hugs and said See you guys tommorrow and shouted up a good bye to me.
What can I take away from this positive... the lines of communication are open...
Positive... I guess… In terms of keeping communication open sure...
But she is so "Crazy" over the "BF" she treats him like she should have been treating me...
But instead… It feels like she views me like some kind of comforting father figure… like I’m the safe fall back plan… Just in case things don’t work out..
Waiting for his phone calls... excited to see him... excited to take trips to places with him...
It is really upsetting and disgusting to see... that she thinks this is a move forward… that having a new relationship just fixes everything… that the carnage left behind her is nothing… I know it affects her but she just keeps ignoring it… unless I bring it up and throw it in her face…
I wonder how she can keep going back to the new “BF” and not show any effects from what I have said…
Yet the sad little part of me I have started to really hate... still wants her… still pines away for her and makes me Ache…
I don’t know if I could take her back… or if I really want to…
Or even how to go about any kind of Rec. on the slightest slim chance that should ever come up…
I sent “Ex” a funny text message earlier that day and got no reply from her…
I am going to stop sending them altogether unless its kid related..
“Ex” picked up the kids last night
I got home early enough to make the kids supper before she came and picked them up.
My daughter ate quickly enough that she could go for a Bike Ride before “Mom” got there… I told her to stay close.
I had leftovers I wouldn’t eat so I set them aside for “Ex” to take with her.
“Ex” arrived right on time… I invited her in to while she waited for daughter… I gave her the Leftovers she thanked me.
We talked about getting the kids School supplies and some clothes then I asked her to sit down at the table to chat a bit and offered her some juice or supper if she wanted, she said no to both.
It was strange… we chatted about our days at work and that took up very little time… I was distant with her… feeling quite sad that I was sending my kids away despite… I could barely look at her…
I gave both my kids a big hug told them I loved them and sent them off… I went out to mow my lawn right after that watching “Ex” out of the corner of my eye pack them into her car while getting mower out.
“Ex” smiled and waved at me as she started her car and went to drive away… I kept my face “stoney” and gave the barest of nods back to her and watched her drive off.
I mowed my lawn only took maybe 30 mins, then decided to get some groceries just for something to do. That took only another 30-40 mins I was back home and alone…
Fortunately my friend who is accompanying me to the wedding was home and we were able to chat on the phone for a while.
I went to bed and slept pretty well until 5 in the morning when I woke to thoughts of all the places I took my Ex… all the vacations together… then the thoughts of all the stuff she has done with her new man started rolling around… and all I could think was If you had wanted to do that stuff… all you had to do was ask me and I would have done that with you to…
Tried to put the thoughts away and just go back to sleep… but I just laid there thinking until the alarm went off.
I was ok with-out the kids in the house in the morning my Pup kept me company… he always seems to know when I’m down… I think he is sad to when the Kids go so we comfort each other.
It hit me hard as soon as I pulled my truck out of the garage and headed to work…
Cried a bit… It has sadly become normal for me to cry once or twice a day…
The new lady I am supposed to travel up to see this Friday has gone “quiet” on me… I am feeling concerned that she is suddenly gone shy when things seemed to be going very well.
I have Kung Fu tonight to help fill a couple empty hours which is nice…
I just keep asking myself over and over “Why did you (Ex) have to come back and open these wounds” it would have been so much better if you had just stayed “gone”
Last night I went and helped out a friend with with a home reno project instead of going to my Martial Arts class.
Stayed late then headed home... really didn't feel like going home... to an empty house and an empty bed...
I slept Ok until 5 am when a bad dream woke me up: My "Ex" pulled up in an old car filled with tons of Kids that were obviously driving her crazy... I offered to cook her supper later to help her destress and she just starts yelling at me "What are you thinking... I DON'T love you anymore"
Woke up after that and layed in bed trying to go back to sleep.
At least my Pup is there to welcome me home.
I think Sat. Night I will go down to my Sisters and BIL they are having a party... will be a chance for me to meet some new folks.
My new suit should be ready today.
Now I just need something to do Tonight and Friday night.
