You'll have those days and sleepless nights. I sure did and I lost 22 lbs. which made me very thin, 97 lbs. I was sick, miserable, couldn't work, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. Okay fast forward, I sleep and boy do I eat - I've gained all of my weight back (that's the bad news). My point is that it will get better, I promise. Try to take care of yourself and for those sleepless nights, find some inspirational books to read, find your peace. As for me, I found my peace in the scriptures and I prayed a lot. And you know what, it works!!! And I will admit that I took sleeping pills as well. They were Rx from my doctor so quite safe. Whatever you do, take care of yourself. You cannot win this battle if you're not fit to fight!!!!
What an interesting life… I have come full circle to being done with my “Wife” at least done with the person she is now…
I have come to the conclusion she is more frightened of loosing her new “BF” of 3 months then her Husband of 12 years and her Kids…
She has spent lots of time with him over the summer by “Dumping” our kids at her moms place so she can go have new adventures with the new man.
NOTE: The kids enjoy the time with Grandma but give me a break… are you a MOM or a single women… you can’t have it both ways…
When I got back home from my travels this weekend… I went through my house and took down anything she has given me anything that was part of our old life together… and put it away into the furnace room downstairs… I wonder if she will bother to come in when she drops the kids off and notice.
I got my New Tattoo on Sat. and it turned out SO good I booked my other one for my other arm. My daughter requested she get to come see me get it done… it was on a day the my “EX” has the kids so I asked if she could come..
My “EX” saw my Tattoo and was excited for me to show it to her I did reluctantly
She was excited for me and said it was great and they did a nice job…
I told yes 2 of my friends who love me drew it out for me…
My “EX” asked if I would take the kids for one extra day so she could go see her “BF”
My reply “HELL NO spend time with your kids dammit! I’m not going to make it easy for you”
Fine I will just take them to my Moms then…
Good just keep dumping them… I guess the will know where they rank soon enough…
She replied…I feel guilty like my balance is off like I’m spending to much time on my “BF”
I replied you should feel guilty because you are doing exactly that
She got mad and went to leave… I didn’t care… I replied well what do you think dumping them at your moms is OK
You don’t want me to have them all the time except foe every other weekend…
She replies I know when school is back in things will change… I wont be able to make trips down…
I replied “Yeah and will stress out your relationship with the new man won’t it”
She says “He knows… he said he would make more trips up to see me”
I so wanted to say this “ Oh GREAT that’s wonderful for our kids more Sleepovers with moms new “BF” still good to see what your focus is…
But I said this instead
“In My life the KIDS COME FIRST… anyone who would get in the way of that … they are DONE…”
Her reply ”he doesn’t get in the way…”
NOTE: Yeah sure he doesn’t…
I wished her a nice trip with her NEW BF and told her I was happy that she could find something so special with a new man that in 12 years she never found in me
NOTE: I know that’s anti DB but I’m sick of her crap…
She texted me this morning saying Daughter wont come to Tattoo because “They” as in all 3 of them will be at the in-laws doing something that day
If she wants a different friendlier relationship with me she can make the effort to be different…
I have done so much and changes so much and worked so hard if she wants me as a friend and wants her kids to be happy she can figure out how to make things be different between us.
Tomorrow night my Tattoo buddy should come into town so we can go shopping (I need a new suit and she needs a new dress for one of my best buds weddings we going together to.
Next Friday I’m planning on having a BBQ… kind of a housewarming party I never had good food and lots of friends.
I’m going to move on with my life… enjoy myself, make sure my kids have ONE good parent
If my “EX” wants something from me she can do the work to earn it.
Dude, you have got to STOP trying to clue her in!!!
She does not want advice from you. She does not want to learn. She wants other people to cover her responsibilities so she can go clubbing with BF. You are a convenient place to dump the kids.
My advice when she asks to leave the kids? Sure!!! You'll be happy to watch the kids! No problemo! Why? Because while she's shutting them out, you're welcoming them in. Use each and every opportunity to have your kids near you. Let them see you without her. Let them see you care for them, talk to them, read to them, cook them dinner, watch a movie, eat popcorn, laugh and live!!!
When they are bumming about her dumping them again, or ignoring them, be the one that gives them the shoulder to cry on. Don't make excuses for her, don't try to patch up her relationship with the kids. That's her business.
Really, you've got to STOP trying to help her. She doesn't want it, and all it does is cause you anger and grief!! Reread your last long post, and substitute in my advice. Here's how it goes:
W - can you watch the kids tonight? You - Sure, no problem. Hey guys, how about a movie! Kids - yeah, cool, bye mom, see you later! W - buy kids! (and she leaves)
This is productive - you build a relationship with your kids. The argument you had with her bought you NOTHING, except she probably bad-mouthed you on the way to grandmas...
You've got to THINK! Your *feelings* don't matter, it's all about connecting with your kids.
Connect with them, do the right thing, and you will respect yourself and your kids will respect you and you'll feel a lot better. She's sick and DOESN'T WANT YOUR HELP!!! She's going to act out, it's just a matter of how much drama you let her pump into your life.
The thought of my Kids coming home is a bitter-sweet pill…
I am SO looking forward to having them home but…
My “EX” normally drops them off around 7 pm and I find that I am not looking forward to seeing her one bit… and as it gets closer to that time I get the “butterflies” in my stomach.
She has just spent 4 days on a camping trip with the new “BF”… What does she have to offer me that doesn’t involve the time she spent with him…
I think she will want to keep it short since she has to work tomorrow… or at least I’m hoping that will be the case.
I am feeling VERY cranky with her and VERY disappointed in her and I really don’t want to have a fight…
I'm going to do my best to just follow Guys advice and just as if anything she has to say.
In lighter news…
Yesterday morning my “gal” friend spent an hour in the morning cheering me up at work… we get along so well… It is a real blessing to have her in my life.
She is in such a similar sitch to me with her “Ex”… however after 6 mo. It looks like he is coming around and may do what it takes to get back into her life. I would be so happy for her if it works out.
I took the afternoon off yesterday to Baby-sit for her so she could go to an appointment.
Then afterwards we went together and picked out a new suit for myself and a nice outfit for her. She is going to accompany me to one of my best friend’s weddings at the end of the month.
We are going to take a few pictures of us together and I plan on putting at least one of them prominently displayed somewhere in my house.
Let my “Ex” chew on that…
Last night I went to my Martial Arts class and hit the heavy bag for a while… It works up a sweat and lets me get my anger out in a constructive manner.
When I got home an old friend of mine that I haven’t chatted with in over a year popped up on my messenger. He got married to a good lady and things are looking great for him.
I told him to treasure every moment he has with her and SHOW her every day how much he loves her.
I invited her to stay for supper because I was cooking it for myself anyway
I didn’t expect her to stay… she didn’t
She no she had to get going so
So I leaned in past her and went to open the door for her to let her out without putting up any fuss that she should stay…
She got upset and angry and asked the kids to go to their rooms
And said this “I… I… don’t know what I did to deserve this hostility…”
I replied “Well take your shoes off and come up we can talk about it”
We went upstairs to the kitchen
Me: I’m not hostile I’m neutral…
She: This isn’t neutral… I’m sorry if you cant take daughter to when you get the Tattoo done…
Me: “ I don’t care about that… I’m going to get a bigger one for my back someday I will make sure its on one of MY days so that’s nothing to do with it.”
Me: Well I’m good and mad at you for many reasons… but I don’t want to yell at you about them
The calmly thoughtfully yet intensely I rehashed all the crap that she has put me through over the past few weeks and told her I know it is am much my fault for trusting you again… and about how sad for my kids I am that she is not spending enough time with them. About how there weren’t many moments this week she wasn’t far from my mind…
She got upset and replied… “This is worse then if you would just yell at me”
Me: “You don’t yell at people you love… I won’t yell at you…”
She: “Maybe yelling would help you get over this…
Me: “All your have done is replace me with another guy… you have not fixed anything that’s wrong with you”
Me: “I was told and I know that I need to let you learn your own lessons but I love you and I can’t stop wanting to help you…” Me: “ I know I won’t ever be over you… I see the crap that my kids are going through I have seen the crap that the kids of one of the divorced ladies at my shop is going through”
I told my “EX” about how I talked to the Mom of those kids about something I wrote about my “EX” and how that Mom broke down crying in my office about how she felt about her Ex husband 2 years gone by and she told me it never goes away.
I’m worried for you… do you think in 4 –5 months from now you are going to be Over me?”
She: “No… I have to go… “BF” is sitting at my house”
Me: “I’m just as worried for him and my kids what your doing is WRONG involving them in this”
Me: “ I know what your like… in 4-5 months your going to turn on him… and hurt him and hurt our kids”
She looked very shocked and hurt by this but the look of true belief in my words was in her eyes…
I didn’t care
My thoughts quickly jumped to the fact that she picked the kids up from her parents place and he was there…
I got mad… but kept my voice calm…
Me: “One question… have you already introduced him to your parents ?”
She: “Yes…”
Me: “Ok… you have a nice life”
She got upset and went out the door
The thing with her parents is a stupid hot button with me I should have just “As If’d” it but I am so angry at them for making it possible for her to abandon her kids and just how dam easily I am replaced.
Time to move on… I know now I feel like I don’t NEED someone in my life to complete me… that I am fine alone so I know I can let some one into my life and they will not be competing with my “Ex”
I finally feel free and not defeated… because I know I’m not the wrong one.
I talked to my daughter … I asked her if she was happy with the amount of time Mom had been spending with her and Son this summer…
She said… “No she wasn’t happy… she felt sad about it”
I told her then you know who you need to talk to about it… but Mom can’t know that it came from me…
She said I know dad… I will talk to mom
Not much more to add… I feel sad for my kids and the sad state of life that my “Ex” thinks they will be happy with.
I don’t think my words will have any effect, but I said my peace… calmly and that makes me feel better.
The issue with her folks it a tough one. You know how you feel about your kids, why would you expect them to feel differently about their kid? I mean right, wrong or otherwise, when it comes to your kids you are still going to love them and support them. Why would you expect any less from her folks?
I'm not saying that what they are doing is right, just trying to give you a little different view of things so that maybe you can let some of the anger go.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
It was a very hard night... My medication didn't put me to sleep... I believe it did keep me "mellow" until after I woke up this morning when I had a little blue breakdown… away from the kids of course in my room…
SteveRay I'm different and I was raised different...
I have a strong sense of Right and Wrong... "Black and White" I understand there are shades of grey in everyone’s life… but not for me not in this case...
And while I would never stop loving my kids... if My daughter did to my Son-in-law and her kids what my "Ex" has done...
I would come FIRMLY down on the side of the Son-in-law
For me my morals are more important then blood...
I marvel at the ease with which my EX and my In-laws have replaced me...
My Family... still misses my "EX" despite the hell she has put me through they would take her back and welcome her "home"
i don't know but have read your sitch, I feel bad for you even though I have my own sets of problems with my WAW... The good thing on my side is that we have no kids... If you can see a good side to this unfortunate situation!?
My 2 cents is that you NEED to GAL and if you are not getting councelling, you really should consider it, it looks and sounds like you could really help the morale boost and it may help you find yourself.
Hang in there.
My sitch
Me 35
WAW 34
Married 4 years
NO kids
BOMB July 21 2006
