Yesterday I was browsing the web looking for more advice on how to move out of this mess back to the confident, competent guy I normally am or that I pretend to be.
I found a good sermon on Letting Go on another message board it’s a big file and religious in nature but the message had been a help to me:
As with anything it is harder to do that it is to say but I keep listening to it and it has lifted me back up.
The most important line that resonates for me “When people can walk away from you… let them walk …. Your destiny is never tied to anybody who left”
Great words of wisdom… hard to put into yourself when you love the “walker”
I had a pretty good day overall yesterday… until the afternoon when I had a nasty blue period where I couldn’t stop missing my “Ex”… one of my friends spent about 45 mins hollering at me, reminding me about what she has put me through…
I wasn’t looking forward to going home alone to my nice yet empty home… which was part of the “blue” mood…
Then my other friend who is quite a bit younger then I yet has been through FAR worse in her life then me... started chatting me on MSN and was very excited… She has saved up enough money to get her Tattoo she has been wanting for months…
We met through a dating site and have become very good friends – both of us are still messed up over our “Exs” and we know it so we just spend comfort time with each other… One reason we connected is both of us want Phoenix Tattoo’s - representing the Death of the Old and rebirth into a new life…
I logged off and headed home feeling better that someone out there cared about me and As soon as I got through the door I got a phone call from her and we chatted for a while and it made me feel missed. So sometime in the next couple weeks we are going together to get them done. Something to look forward to.
For a treat rather then cooking supper I ordered in my favorite pizza and enjoyed.
I went to my Kung Fu class was good did a hard workout then headed home and I was pleased to find myself tired with out my Medicine… I am still going to take it because I know I’m no-where near balanced out yet but it was a positive sign for me.
I woke up with some “blue” anger the sad mads… “Ex” brings back my son tonight and I am fighting the urge to yell and scream and make her feel like crap for the hell she has brought me back to…
I know it’s as much my own fault for letting myself go there…
A bit of sadness and anger and I have worked it through I will return to the indifference I showed her that made the switch flip in her and pulled her back to me…
I’m not closing the door on reconciliation with her but I’m not holding it open either… just living with the possibility that it is there…
Chatted with another friend of mine who tells me she is ready to give up on love altogether… Made me realize that that is what I have been doing…
I talked to her about not doing that and just making friends and seeing how things went
Helped me to realize that’s what I need to do and that’s what I am doing.
I experienced something interesting this morning after I wrote my earlier post and headed out on an estimate…
I found I was Angry… not seething with rage… just very angry… focused anger…
In that Anger… I found joy…
I didn’t realize how important to me and my life that anger is… it makes me feel better… driven and focused… It gave me an edge...
I have always been able to accomplish my goals as long as I have that bit of spite in me.
After my estimate I went to the Gym my spark of anger flared bright and I had an AWSOME work out...
I thought back to when I first met my “Ex” I was the same way… I was angry… not at her but in general at the world…
I always had something to prove to myself or those around me… and I worked HARD to do that… it made me confident and strong…
I always carried a chip on my shoulder…
My “Ex” has always been the only person who could reach out to me and take it away - or more rightly so she is the only person I have ever let do that...
But I realized something… That would happen and I would become a person she did not like… weak, miserable… the kind of person you folks have been reading posts from for the past 2-3 weeks…
The sudden return of her feelings for me came when I had my “Chip” fully in place with my anger focused on her… When she thought I was gone again forever…
So… NOW that I have the awareness of the piece of me that is missing… the one that helped us come together… I will never let my anger go… I will continue to study it, focus it, and USE it to keep me moving on forward to WHATEVER will be…
Right now I know my anger is focused on her… and I know she will not like that not one bit…. because of how it will be presented to her… via indifference…
To move forward she will need to make some moves back towards me and I will focus my anger somewhere else but I will not let it go again...
I made some plans for the kids and I on the weekend and I wanted to keep them an extra day before I sent them back to her… normally this isn’t a problem but she has a trip planned with her new BF and has arranged for our kids to stay with her parents and her timeline for her to make the switch around with them is limited…
I told her I would figure out something and left it at that… I sorted it out that night and planned to do it her way but I decided to make her wait till she brought our S back last night.
So yesterday late afternoon she kept Texting me about the “kid exchange” issue and I kept the reply short and simple and said “discuss later”… I even ignored one Text from her and a phone call.
I set it up so I was cooking supper – For myself only – and I couldn’t come down and just chat at the door with her she would have to come in and discuss it with me.
My “EX” (I have noticed the movement from “WIFE” to “EX” in my posts…) shows up at the correct time with my Son and is standing at my door talking on her Cell phone…
This is strange… She says I’m not staying I just need to know a couple things… I say fine come on up I’m cooking we can talk quickly…
She waffles and looks uncomfortable but I won’t budge and she still needs to know about the kids…
So finally she comes up the stairs all timidly STILL on her cell phone…
She says can’t you turn it down or something (cooking that is) she knows better then that…
I try to start talking with her but the phone is distracting so I ask who she is talking with… Hang up the phone so we can talk…
She says nothing…
I figure it out quickly…”Its “BF name” isn’t it??
She says nothing but her eyes and expression say yes…
I get MAD at this point (controlled though) and say WHAT the hell you think your doing bringing him into my house into our discussions…
She gets upset and quickly says “I’ll call you back” and hangs up
I say what the hell is that… you’re hiding behind your boyfriend because you don’t want to talk to me…
She comes back with you were so broken last time I was her I was scared…
I told you that was lack of sleep and I am better now… sheesh… I protected you for 12 years… you think I’m going to hurt you… I have NEVER laid a hand on you EVER…
Look at me I am better now I’m not going back that way EVER again…
She said you look much better…
I was in a bad way and I reached out to you for some help… for some friendship and you do this…
She it was to much you wanted too much… you kept pouring your heart out to me
(I know I was doing this and it was a wrong turn in DBing however at the time I was spiraling downward into depression and could not make myself stop)
To much!!! Give me a break… all I asked for was a quick chat without the “walls” up and you to come over for supper and be my friend… I don’t want anything more…
A few weeks ago… I sat here and watched you do the same thing to me and I took it… but it opened up all these old wounds and now you run away from it…
This is EXACTLY the opposite of how I wanted this to go… I wanted a nice quick chat friendly and fun and I was just going to let you know… I’m going to do it your way…
You’re the only person I have to ask over for supper… I’m lonely sometimes and I just want you to come chat… I miss being fun and friendly with you its that simple…
She replied with this… I’m not lonely and I never have people over to my house…
(Whoa… I never realized how much she has shut her self down from other people…) I don’t think she has talked to anyone BESIDES me about what’s really going on inside her…
Random Thought: “Not lonely… so why run to a new “BF” that you’re devoting so much thought and effort into…”
She backed down a bit and relaxed so I did to and then gave her a hug and wished her a good work week and sent her off…
I had something else to talk with her about for our sons Kindergarten assessment but she left before I could.
I texted her about it and included a funny joke and she replied (I was surprised she did but that’s a positive reaction)
So I texted back one more time saying look isn’t this better… this is how it should be with us… friends… and respecting boundaries…
She sent me back a text saying yes this is better… and that she’s happy I’m feeling better
I put my son to bed and chatted with a few friends on the phone and on messenger…
And thought through a few more things
Positives
1. Worked through what looked like was a situation out of control 2. New BF knows I don’t like him involved in our relationship 3. New BF sees “Ex” is not as capable or together as she seems 4. Showed my “Ex” that I am not going to tolerate interference 5. Showed my “Ex” that I am back to being the guy she “likes”
Negatives
1. Situation did not go how I wanted 2. “EX” ran to new BF for protection 3. I can See “Ex” is VERY messed up 4. She is involving our kids into a new relationship WAY to soon
Neutrals
1. I don’t know if I want her back or not – not unless she really gets some help…
I am almost at the point again where I don’t care what she does… as long as she does not involve my Kids with her new BF…
They are still hurting over this and she is so selfish she doesn’t see what she is doing to them…
Something she said to me in a previous conversation is very bothersome”
When she first came to me and said how she was messed up I suggested that she should not be in a relationship with anyone
This was her response: “It didn’t work… I couldn’t just focus on me… to fix myself… I needed someone else to focus on to and then I could work on me…”
Isn’t that one of the most backwards ideas / statements ever…
On the personal side of things:
“Don’t make me angry…. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” Dr. Bruce Banner AKA the Incredible Hulk
But I like me when I’m “angry”… all my friends commented to me last night how nice it was to see me back to my strong, silly, cantankerous and confident self…
I’m still a bit shakey… over her choosing to “WORK” (and that’s what she is doing) on a new relationship with another man instead of choosing to keep her family together and work on something with “US”
But I know… You can’t make the blind see the light… you can only hope they see it before it is too late!
I don’t think I have ever felt this defeated… I think this is what totally giving up must feel like…
I now approach my “EX” with zero expectations… If she is positive its great if she is not it means nothing…
We had a few texts msgs back and forth this afternoon about our Son who is Sick… I took him into the clinic and some silly stuff happened there so I shared that with her…
I put out my normal offer for supper… this time she declined graciously I wasn’t expecting a yes the polite reply was nice.
She said she would call later to check on Son…
So as promised she did she chatted with him for a while and then we talked about each others day and I got to hear a little about hers…
She shared about her day and let me share about mine… I can hear the guarded edge in her voice and I’m sure she can her the scared edge in mine…
I thanked her and told her it was nice to hear about her day and said it made me feel better we could talk this way… I ended the call first like LRT says and I will keep it like that.
In good news it sounds even more positive for her to get her Job here… I can only hope this will add stress to the relationship she has with the new guy when she is being mom on her days off and running to pick up kids from school…
Only time will tell how things will play out…
Right now I have a couple Ladies who are great friends that could become more but I’m taking my time… No need to rush… I want to feel secure in myself before I do anything and make sure my Kids are well looked after…
Tough night... I found this on Gwyn’s thread so I bring it here to help raise my spirits
Quote:
Keep on showing your love. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. I believe that sums it up. "always hopes, always preserves." So to love and to show it, I believe this is what you need to practice.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.
My shoulders are VERY sore from working out... I overdid it a bit which normally isn’t bad however this time it’s to much…
I slept Ok which is a blessing… It is really a good feeling to be tired and be able to sleep instead of laying there not sleeping with the mess of my life playing through my head…
Somehow it feels far worse this time around…
I am hurt by a perceived “universal” injustice…
I know the universe is not fair… but I do have some belief in Karma – What goes around comes around… so where’s my Karma
My “injustice”… how is it fair that my “EX” can find a new man that is decent and good (some of you out there would say otherwise… but… my gut tells me otherwise)
So quickly to replace me…
When it was me that fought so hard… for so long to be the “good-guy” to do the right thing to keep our marriage together…
It’s such a twisted perspective… I love her… so I am happy that she is happy… even as the situation causes me Misery and pain… to see her able to “love” another man in the way I had always hoped she would love me…
I have always held the belief that I am one of the “great” guys in this world… that there are only a few of us compared to most others…
Great Guys who love their wives, love their kids, give everything to their families they can, don’t fool around… guys who’s favorite place to be is home with their partners…
And the same is true for the Great Lady’s out there…
I truly believe I did nothing to deserve this… I accept responsibility for the dumb things I have done to make things worse…
But I can’t help feeling “punished” for some wrong I have committed…
And it is worse now… knowing the person I love… still exists… but that Lady is overwhelmed by the person that is there…
Part of me wants just to walk away from what was between us and not look back and the other part just sits there looking through that open empty door at the life he had…
I was able to let go last time… to free myself and be ok on my own… accept the loneliness and mourn what was because I thought my “WIFE” was dead… that she had nothing left in her that was for me…
Now I walk the “dark places” again… fighting my way back to the light…
So now I must let go again… and trust God to bring some happiness back into my life
I was going back through some old emails I was exchanging with a friend and I came upon something I wrote there…
Advice I gave myself and believed to be true when I wrote it and then over the past few weeks proceeded to ignore it and now I am dealing with my personal pain because of it.
No more!
Quoting myself
“I spent 12+ years in a relationship trying to CONVINCE someone to be with me… I won’t spend one minute more … one second more doing that… either they want to be with me or they don’t”
This is the place I was at when I found the strength to let my “EX” walk away…
This is the place I was at and I felt whole again…
This is the place I am again…
I am a GREAT guy… I have SO much to give to a special person in my life that deserves it and will give back to me…
Maybe someday my “EX” might MIGHT! deserve this again…
I feel like such an idiot for falling into a trap of my own devising… One I escaped before and felt freedom and I was doing Ok…
So I will move on with my life… If I find someone fine… if I don’t… fine…
If there comes a time my “EX” comes back and we are both free…
I will consider it… no more no less...
I will take each day as it comes and let the past be the past.
Hey Rock, I've about reached the same conclusion, I won't be a puppy begging for my H's affection, I do want it but wont' lower myself for a crumb of his attention anymore. I will revent back to that girl whom he pursued when were going out, she was confident and confortable in her own skin.
We both have so much to give and deserved so much better.
I will be myself, confident, happy and free.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
It is a surreal experience to look back at the past few weeks and seeing a ridiculous transformation…
From being a “single” confident, competent and strong person…
To the weeping broken mess lying in my bed… begging just to fall asleep… begging my Ex to choose Me and her Family…
And back almost being the person I was before… I’m still on some shakey ground…
How could I let myself be taken for such a ride by a person I know doesn’t deserve me… my tears…my sweat and my blood…
It feels more like I’m watching someone else’s life then living mine…
I always believed I was meant to fall in love marry that one person and be with them for the rest of my days… So the life I live now seems so much like someone else’s instead of the one that was “supposed” to be meant for me.
So now I work on letting go and cope yet again with the loss of my wife… and what I have learned is the worse loss… my best friend…
Note: Interesting normally by the time I write out something like I’m crying … I just feel numb…
I had a good night… my Gal friend came into town with her “horde” (she has 5 kids) and she stopped by work a little bit so I sent her over to my place to hang out until was done…
I gave her my Key so I had to ring the bell when I got there she answered the door and said “Hi welcome home”…
I almost started crying… it was so nice to have someone there who was excited to have me come “home” to have a house full of kids laughing and playing… ah there’s the tears that didn’t come earlier…
I normally make my bed… part of my 180’s about being a tidier person… however I didn’t yesterday… I jest felt like being messy… So I got home and my friend had made it for me… she said “I don’t know if I did it right… I just did it like I would mine…”
“Girl… you did it perfect…” no one has made my bed for me in such a long time another overwhelming moment of feeling someone doing something nice… just for me…
We headed out with her 5 and my 1 (D is at camp till tonight) and I took all of us out for a nice supper…
Then we went to a local pool with a water park and slide and we played there until it closed…
She gave me such a nice big hug… I headed home with my Son got him into bed and logged on to my Messenger chatted with some friends
My Gal F. logged on and thanked me and told me she had a very nice time.
Wishing you the best of luck.