I experienced something interesting this morning after I wrote my earlier post and headed out on an estimate…
I found I was Angry… not seething with rage… just very angry… focused anger…
In that Anger… I found joy…
I didn’t realize how important to me and my life that anger is… it makes me feel better… driven and focused… It gave me an edge...
I have always been able to accomplish my goals as long as I have that bit of spite in me.
After my estimate I went to the Gym my spark of anger flared bright and I had an AWSOME work out...
I thought back to when I first met my “Ex” I was the same way… I was angry… not at her but in general at the world…
I always had something to prove to myself or those around me… and I worked HARD to do that… it made me confident and strong…
I always carried a chip on my shoulder…
My “Ex” has always been the only person who could reach out to me and take it away - or more rightly so she is the only person I have ever let do that...
But I realized something… That would happen and I would become a person she did not like… weak, miserable… the kind of person you folks have been reading posts from for the past 2-3 weeks…
The sudden return of her feelings for me came when I had my “Chip” fully in place with my anger focused on her… When she thought I was gone again forever…
So… NOW that I have the awareness of the piece of me that is missing… the one that helped us come together… I will never let my anger go… I will continue to study it, focus it, and USE it to keep me moving on forward to WHATEVER will be…
Right now I know my anger is focused on her… and I know she will not like that not one bit…. because of how it will be presented to her… via indifference…
To move forward she will need to make some moves back towards me and I will focus my anger somewhere else but I will not let it go again...
