Yesterday I was browsing the web looking for more advice on how to move out of this mess back to the confident, competent guy I normally am or that I pretend to be.
I found a good sermon on Letting Go on another message board it’s a big file and religious in nature but the message had been a help to me:
As with anything it is harder to do that it is to say but I keep listening to it and it has lifted me back up.
The most important line that resonates for me “When people can walk away from you… let them walk …. Your destiny is never tied to anybody who left”
Great words of wisdom… hard to put into yourself when you love the “walker”
I had a pretty good day overall yesterday… until the afternoon when I had a nasty blue period where I couldn’t stop missing my “Ex”… one of my friends spent about 45 mins hollering at me, reminding me about what she has put me through…
I wasn’t looking forward to going home alone to my nice yet empty home… which was part of the “blue” mood…
Then my other friend who is quite a bit younger then I yet has been through FAR worse in her life then me... started chatting me on MSN and was very excited… She has saved up enough money to get her Tattoo she has been wanting for months…
We met through a dating site and have become very good friends – both of us are still messed up over our “Exs” and we know it so we just spend comfort time with each other… One reason we connected is both of us want Phoenix Tattoo’s - representing the Death of the Old and rebirth into a new life…
I logged off and headed home feeling better that someone out there cared about me and As soon as I got through the door I got a phone call from her and we chatted for a while and it made me feel missed. So sometime in the next couple weeks we are going together to get them done. Something to look forward to.
For a treat rather then cooking supper I ordered in my favorite pizza and enjoyed.
I went to my Kung Fu class was good did a hard workout then headed home and I was pleased to find myself tired with out my Medicine… I am still going to take it because I know I’m no-where near balanced out yet but it was a positive sign for me.
I woke up with some “blue” anger the sad mads… “Ex” brings back my son tonight and I am fighting the urge to yell and scream and make her feel like crap for the hell she has brought me back to…
I know it’s as much my own fault for letting myself go there…
A bit of sadness and anger and I have worked it through I will return to the indifference I showed her that made the switch flip in her and pulled her back to me…
I’m not closing the door on reconciliation with her but I’m not holding it open either… just living with the possibility that it is there…
Chatted with another friend of mine who tells me she is ready to give up on love altogether… Made me realize that that is what I have been doing…
I talked to her about not doing that and just making friends and seeing how things went
Helped me to realize that’s what I need to do and that’s what I am doing.
