Quote: 1. What kind of person was your Ex? A nice person that tried to do things right, that for whatever reason just didn't click with you, or understand your past and how to deal with it, or was he an abusive jerk?
No, I do not think my xH is an abusive man out-of-the-box. I think that how he viewed his needs, coupled with his sense of entitlement, and empathy for others not being one of his strongest points, made my situation for him very frustrating to deal with. It is a frustrating situation for ANYONE to deal with. There were times when he dealt with it better than others.
Quote: 2. When there was intimacy, were you able to O, and if so.. was it an enjoyable thing, or did it somehow take you back to your experiences as a teenager?
My xH was the first man I ever had an O with, and the first time took a very long, long time. I had a very, very difficult time 'relaxing' during sex.
Sex always took me back to my experience and in order to engage in the act, I would emotionally disconnect from it. My xH was not... uh... too emotionally vulnerable himself, so you can see how the mix could make it into a pretty physcial act.
Quote: Did you avoid sexual types of situations due to the memories, or did your past play a part in how things turned out for the marriage?
Because xH and I started fight about sex so much, I began to avoid it more and more... though I'd say our 'norm' was once a week. That wasn't enough for him, so the atmosphere FOR sex to me never felt safe nor cherishing, nor connected. It sure didn't make me feel up to the task of facing my demons, that's for sure. I'm not saying it was always like that, but over the years it certainly erroded to that.
I had regular O's with the xH, and in terms of technique, he certainly pleasured me. I don't think he ever understood that for me, the physical pleasure was not where the angst was... he used to say to me all the time, 'why would not want to do something that feels so good? You enjoy it... I don't get it.'
He never understood that the physical sensations of sex were the very things that panicked me emotionally.
The most difficult part of being abused, for me, was NOT the physical violations. It was my inability to control my body, it was the emotional distress, the ungodly deep shame and guilt, and the emotional manipulation that went along with it. The reason WHY abuse occurs and works is because the very nature of it is emotional gorilla warfare. The verbal abuse that went along with it was so much more damaging and lasting... the anger... and to endure that over and over and over again...
It was, at one time, far easier for me to have sex with a stranger, than it was to have intimate sex with someone I cared about.
I would also say that if this has occured in your W's background, it does make sense to me that she would WANT to avoid an O. It is just wayyyyy too much control to lose, for during abuse situations, you are so concentrated on surviving it. The fact that she even let you try this with her says to me that she loves you very much.
There were times when xH and I had sex that I was overcome with such amazing feelings of rage, it just blew me away. So I'd just 'check out' mentally, rather than act on the rage. My shrink helped me understand that my rage was a defense mechanism, and I was fighting IT not my H. But try to keep that thought in your head when you experience it...
Anyway, he taught me how to deal with it, and it took me a very long time.
I have to run. I'll write more later. Ask any questions...
