Ruhh rohh, here it comes…. You used that line on CeMar once but he didn’t bite. You sure you haven’t done this “girly” thing before?
You don't have to learn these things in childhood. It can happen at ANY age. It can happen on the playground, it can happen from a careless criticism from a teacher, it can happen in college... it can happen during childbirth... it can happen.
Agreed. I know that my college girlfriend cheating on me tore me up completely. That probably had as great an impact on me as my FOO.
Cobra... your wife has picked up on fear. We ALL fear life. We fear our perception of separation. I'm here, you're there, and what the heck are YOU going to do with YOUR end of it that might HURT me?
I understand this fear in her and have told her that I am not her father, I have not left her, I am sticking with her and our family and she needs to stop thinking of me in those terms. She also needs to stop punishing me like I was her dad (and she has gotten better at this).
You don't know that about your W, nor does she know that about you. We all long for that.... that loyalty that goes beyond words. The one person, above all others, that we can TRUST absolutely.
Yes, this would be nice…
I've come to find that **I** am that person to trust, for in trusting myself, I give another the courage and the faith to trust. It all sounds so flippin' esoteric and altruistic. But if you can BE what it is you seek in another, they will reflect that... I've come to find, in my field study.... that men are not the only ones to 'lead.' Anyone can lead... it is just that men and women have a different way of 'leading.'
I’m not sure I totally agree with this. One question I want to ask you is whether you think your would still be where you are now (in a balanced state without anger) were you still married to your exH? I can’t help but think the divorce gave you a great opening to step around those issues that kept your resentment alive.
Your wife fears. You know this. We all do. Respect it. Don't minimize it. Throw out that gddam, mtherfcking book of should be's... and BE. Have the courage to say... "I don't know. Can you give me some time to think about it?" Have the courage to be weak, to let her prop you up, so you can find courage to take another step and pick it up again. Have the courage to look her in the eye and say "I don't know what to do with you when you are like this." Let her see your sadness, but not necessarily your despondency. If you become despondant, she will, too.
I actually believe the one holding on to “should be’s” is her (I know she will refute this). I have no problem saying I don’t know something, but if I do know it, I also have no problem saying so. But I do not like to act in an over confident manner just to boost my ego. Now she will say the opposite, and because of her issues, I can understand that. Her perception of my arrogance is in part based on her level of confidence. Arrogance, like so many other qualities, is relative to the person making the evaluation and so there are no absolutes. To my boss and others at work, I am very humble and in need of a little more assertiveness. My wife cannot see this.
If you love her, tell her. If you aren't sure, figure it out. She knows you are waffling.
I think this is one of my biggest obstacles. Over the years I have lost a lot of attraction to her. She gained some weight long ago from the babies and has been nothing less than defiant to the idea of losing weight of getting into shape. She does not like being a “girly” girl in the least, does not wear makeup, and only dresses decently when going to work. So the Dr. Laura type of action on her part is missing and she has no intention of picking up that rope. Consequently, I have lost some attraction to her.
OWN the fact that you are human, and given that state, you are likely to make mistakes.
This is tough for me because she is OCD and ADD. Misplacing her things, making mistakes, forgetting appointments, losing track of time all become frustrations when she comes to me for help. Since situations never seem to improve, I just detach, yell back, tell her not to ask me for help over the phone, and generally try to set up boundaries that protect me from her chaos. All of this affects the attraction too.
If I screw up, I don’t like it but it doesn’t bother my self esteem. If she screws up, I feel she takes it a lot more personally (hence all the commotion when things go wrong).
But given your intelligence, and some time, you will figure it out. And so will she... if you have FAITH in her. That's what she needs. Your faith. And when I say faith, I am not talking about the faith to 'get it.' I'm talking about the faith you put in someone that says, "you are human, just like me. Thank God I hold you to no higher standard than I hold myself." And you can give each other a big dopey grin over it.
What I read in this is a ratcheting down of expectations, letting go of hopes that the chaos will someday come under control and accepting that this is how life is and will be with my wife. So I suppose the faith you refer to is her faith in me that I accept these faults in her without blaming her or reacting to the chaos – her chaos. To me there is a fine line there between accepting normal human frailties and shortcomings versus enabling bad habits and poor self discipline. The difference is that the former does not involve repeated problems over the same issue, whereas the latter is due to a reluctance to seek out advice, make changes and admit that there is a problem. In other words, I feel that if she wanted to change, she could.
[In fact she has. The counselor told her some time back to stop calling me at work to fix a problem with the PC, and for her to learn the PC better and figure things out on her own. She has gotten better at this, though she still asks me questions, often the same questions, without wanting to learn the how or why to prevent future problems. It told have just last week that this is a no win situation for me and I do not want to do it. It used to be that she got back by calling a PC service and paying some ridiculous amount. Now that she pays her own bills, she has decided to learn on her own and not charge her own account. Funny how that works.]
The repeated, month after month blow ups over self induced stress because of disorganization is the difference between these two approaches (normal shortcomings versus poor habits). Things are better now than they were, and she goes in and out of trying, but her pace is very slow because she overloads herself with so many projects (that’s the OCD). For me to accept this stress and chaos in my life starts to impose on my values. That is why I have been trying to draw a line.
If I go on simple faith, I can say I have complete confidence that life with her will be chaotic till the day I die, that she will forever over-commit, lose things, drop projects half way completed, etc. I know her stress from feeling overwhelmed will continue and that I will continue to hear about it. I have complete faith that this is her. I just don’t like it. I really need to read the OCD book I bought.
