What one woman may crave another may call abuse (and rightly so)
Instead of differences from women to women, about what they want...Think about it like this.
What a particular woman may crave from HER man, she will definitely consider abuse from any man she has revoked her emotional wellbeing/safety too. Even if he is her H.
Do you think HP would complain about Mr.Pot pinning her arms down, or sundry other aggressive acts? My guess is HP was revisiting an old memory.
You are not an abuser. Hope your having fun with pushing the envelope. Sounds like your W is. hmm here is something else for you to consider. These tentative motions...sticking points... they exist in you. Not her. Your perceptions are what is holding you back.
Your building your confidance, by courageously going out of your comfort zones, and thats awesome.
Sometimes when you have a small realization, you can decide to make a huge jump, skip a bunch of the baby steps...
Sounds like you are having continued success though.
ed. to say...
these perceptions are also known as self limiting beliefs. Ideas in our head that hold us back from fullfilling our potential.
Ive had many... and undoubtable still do. Look back at your past and see how you kept yourself from getting what you wanted. Thats the easiest way I have found for seeing that it was me, and then making the huge jumps in changing behaviors.
My guess is HP was revisiting an old memory.
Sounds like your W is. 
