HD:

Happy Belated Birthday. I have been remiss in telling you that. Bad Corri, Bad Corri. Please forgive me.

Anyway, on to my point, for you knew I'd have one... hate to dissapoint. Ahem.

Quote:

I've actually been saying that to my W for years, but she insists that the only way I would have put up with W number one was because of some "deep wound" in my FOO.



Have you made the very obvious and simple point that you are, in fact, DIVORCED from your first W, and while you may have 'put up,' for a time -- as she would call it (others may call it exhausting all avenues for success BEFORE they quit) -- you did not PUT UP forever? Seems like a very significant point to me.

Sometimes I see you and I as opposite sides of the same coin. My childhood was so filled with upheaval that all I am accustomed to doing is dealing with drama, tension and stress. I likely create it just so I know how to operate. Bring along peace and happiness and I just don't know what to do with myself.

You, on the other hand, knew nothing but relative calm and happiness. Drama, stress and tension come along, and you probably don't know quite how to deal with it, as you never really had to learn it (though I am sure you got some DANDY lessons from M #1). I would think that when the harshness of life presents itself to you, it likely hurts you far deeper than most, for you know it doesn't have to be that way, you even know how it actually feels to be loved and happy.

Sometimes I think your wife does what she does because she, too, is used to drama, criticism, disapointment, etc. She creates what she knows, for then she knows how to BE. She's a divorce lawyer, for cripes sakes... her daily modis operendi is arguing, competing... WINNING... proving, drama, hurt, angst... I believe that was the environment she grew up in... no wonder she is so good at what she does. That isn't a slam, either. Just makes sense.

Not to say she is all bad, either. It's just what she knows, or has learned, somewhere along the way.

I'm going through that in my life, right now. Like I said, I'm not angry any more, I'm not 'escaping,' I'm not surviving, I'm not resenting, I'm not fixing, I'm not being a victim. It darn near scares the heck out of me because I almost don't know WHAT to do with myself.

I don't get the same satisfaction from my job anymore that I used to 'cuz I was always fixing someone's problem and soaking up the praise I got for swooping in and saving the day... I don't want to do that anymore. It's like flippin' pulling teeth to me.

And gasp upon the most amazing gasp... I don't have an answer... not only do I not have an answer, I don't have a flippin' fcking CLUE. I'm trying out this girly girl thing and liking it very much. Wish I could get paid for it.

In short, I am a strange visitor in a strange land, one that appears to NOT be at war with someone or something.

Isn't this a hoot? I think it is. Blows my fcking mind. "War's over boys, time to go home." Really? What's a soldier to do now?

Stress out. Enter perimenopause. Find a new job, I guess... but the only job I really know is trained soldier... and I don't want to BE that anymore... go back to school? To do what?

I'm left, for now, with figuring out who this new me is, and what she might like, what she doesn't like, and what she wants to be now that she is all grown up.

Somedays, I am tempted just to head back into the war zone, for at least I KNOW how to operate there, kwis? But then I think, nah... I'm too good at it... time to go be good at something else... but what?

So... if you have any suggestions, I'm open. I really don't know where to start... and I flippin' LOVE it.

Corri