Oh yea... boy have YOU nailed it. I do empathize with my mother, and I've also recognized that she gives to me as much empathy as she is able. For her to really truly empathize with me and to validate the horrors of it all would mean that she would have to OWN her part in it... on top of all the pain she has experienced in her own life, I think it is just way too much for one person to handle. I've watched her try and do it.
God, I know how I continue to flog myself to this day for not being fast enough to prevent my toddler son from taking a tumble down the stairs... I don't even WANT to imagine what it must be like to be in her shoes.
My dear, dear shrink helped me learn how to interact with her... and when I first started respectfully and firmly standing up to her... boy howdy... that didn't go over well, let me tell you. It was always MY job to make her feel better about what kind of mother she was... to let her off the hook... to forgive her. And if I didn't do a good enough job, then I got... 'I did the best I could.'
But I held firm and things are much better.
I also want to say that there are things I admire greatly about my mother. Yes, she has flaws. We all do. I know first-hand what it is like to get the heck out of dodge as fast as you can from the type of environment she came from. I also got into counseling relatively quickly. She did not. It wasn't socially as acceptable then as it is now, and sexual abuse certainly WAS NOT addressed.
And, for all the things that she is or is not... she also taught me that I am the one who always has power over my life, I always have a choice. She has apologized to me, heartfelt, for the mess she made, and she encouraged me to seek out counseling myself, to hang with it, to heal.
She is a beautiful lady, smart, funny, intelligent, and she has survived some pretty horrific things in her life as well.
Yes, I was very angry with my mother. But AGAIN, I could not heal, could not move forward, could not stop suffering, until I let it go. Letting anger go does not mean that I am OK with what happened and whatever her role in my life was... it simply means I am no longer willing to carry around anger and suffer for it in response to all that happened.
