You don't have to learn these things in childhood. It can happen at ANY age. It can happen on the playground, it can happen from a careless criticism from a teacher, it can happen in college... it can happen during childbirth... it can happen.
Somewhere along the way, we pick up an expectation and run with it. I've been thinking of HD of late... he says his upbringing was normal, he loved his parent, his parents loved him, etc., etc. He is at a loss to find what in his childhood may have caused his angst.
I personally don't believe he learned it there. He dropped a gem recently. HD was in an abusive R in his first marriage. That woman scared the ever living HE!! out of him. He learned things, consciously or unconsciously... but we assume, as adults, since we can rationalize through things... that of course THAT wouldn't be the crux of my problems... I say.. really? REALLY? Especially after you became a dad, with precious beings you were willing to protect at all costs? You don't think you picked up a few defense mechanisms along the way? Really?
Cobra... your wife has picked up on fear. We ALL fear life. We fear our perception of separation. I'm here, you're there, and what the heck are YOU going to do with YOUR end of it that might HURT me?
I have a best friend. She's been my friend for well over 25 years. She knows me better than anyone on the planet. One thing I know about her is this... if she and I were standing on the edge of the abyss, and one of us had to jump to save the other... it would be me to jump. I know this. And so does she. We accept that. And I also have a feeling, that given that moment, she would also surprise the he!! out of me. Just a gut feeling.
You don't know that about your W, nor does she know that about you. We all long for that.... that loyalty that goes beyond words. The one person, above all others, that we can TRUST absolutely.
I've come to find that **I** am that person to trust, for in trusting myself, I give another the courage and the faith to trust. It all sounds so flippin' esoteric and altruistic. But if you can BE what it is you seek in another, they will reflect that... I've come to find, in my field study.... that men are not the only ones to 'lead.' Anyone can lead... it is just that men and women have a different way of 'leading.'
Your wife fears. You know this. We all do. Respect it. Don't minimize it. Throw out that gddam, mtherfcking book of should be's... and BE. Have the courage to say... "I don't know. Can you give me some time to think about it?" Have the courage to be weak, to let her prop you up, so you can find courage to take another step and pick it up again. Have the courage to look her in the eye and say "I don't know what to do with you when you are like this." Let her see your sadness, but not necessarily your despondency. If you become despondant, she will, too.
When she threatens you with D... your answer is spot on. "Fine, make a decision, but quit threatening me." It puts the weight of her words back on her.
If you love her, tell her. If you aren't sure, figure it out. She knows you are waffling.
Say what you feel, but do it with respect, not anger. She will apppreciate the honesty. Just AS YOU WOULD. For anyone can handle darn near anything, if they KNOW they are getting the truth. And we know. At at a gut level, we know.
Give yourself a break or two.
Hold her hand, just because.
OWN the fact that you are human, and given that state, you are likely to make mistakes. But given your intelligence, and some time, you will figure it out. And so will she... if you have FAITH in her. That's what she needs. Your faith. And when I say faith, I am not talking about the faith to 'get it.' I'm talking about the faith you put in someone that says, "you are human, just like me. Thank God I hold you to no higher standard than I hold myself." And you can give each other a big dopey grin over it.
How awesome would it be to have the freedom to look at someone and say, 'boy, I fcked that one up, huh?' To have the faith, first and foremost that you could even say that, and faith in yourself and the other person that your head won't be removed for it.
