Quote: When an HD partner says that their LD partner has all the power and control over the sex life... how is that a dominion (power) play on the part of the HD?
For one thing, it sets the HD partner up as the victim, which may force the LD partner to treat them differently. It places all blame for the lousy sex life onto the back of the LD partner.
I had to learn this painful dynamic in my own R. My xH gave me all the power over the R. In so doing, he controlled it. But guess what? I let him do it... so I did the whole victim thing myself. Schnarch calls that gridlock.
But it goes a bit deeper than that. When you set yourself up as a victim, you give away your power of choice. Meaning... 'if you would only change and be what you were, then **I** don't have to change, I don't have to make any painful decisions.'
It is a dodge. It is the FEAR of power, the FEAR of choice, the FEAR of freedom that imprisons you. I'm criticizing no one for this, because I did it for many, many years myself. It is a hard thing to learn, and even a harder thing to work through.
With great power comes great responsibility. We've all felt it, and quite honestly, it is a tremendous weight to carry. "Life? YOU want ME to know what to do with this LIFE thing? Are you fcking NUTS? Here... you take it!!! Let's blame you for it... let me off the hook, for cripes sakes."
It is the ultimate power play, simply because we FEAR being Who We Are. (And Who, exactly, is that, by the way? I don't know... ask my spouse... they control the R... I'm just trying to keep so and so happy and I can't even do THAT right.") What if they don't like Who We Are? Gasp. Worse... what if I SCREW IT UP and someone SEES? Double gasp.
Best thing I've ever seen someone do in that situation is fall back on his azz, laugh, give a big dopey grin and say... 'look at the silly thing **I** just did. Oh well.' Then get up, brush his azz off, and go about his business.
The definition of a best friend is not the one who comes and bails you out of jail for doing something stupid. It is the person who is sitting there with you in the cell who says to you, "boy, we just fcked up. Let's not do that one again, eh?" That's what we all want in our spouse, no?
