Girl Help

[cinemanymph]

blackfood said:

as she works on being more herself, more female, more aware, free of her own gender 'hate', free of fear, the more honest, the more congruent she becomes with herself-- the more attractive she becomes to men. She has less fear, less insecurity, more true self confidance.... It shines out in her femininity. She can 'act' however she wants. Its the real her.

An overwhelming majority of abuse victims do not want to be attractive or emotionally available. Unattractiveness/invulnerablilty insures avoidance of some very physically, psychologically, and spiritually painful issues. blackfoot makes a very good point here:

In sexual abuse the rejection is NEVER about you. The very physiological act of becoming aroused, can trigger off her fight/flight. Think about how horrible it must be to have those two extremely disparate, but core survival mechanisms linked. Once that happens, she has no control. Personalizing the rejection is not understanding, not comprehending, not compassionate, not tender, you are not trustable... For females who have been abused, I recommed researching the link between your psoas muscle and fight/flight......

It's hard not to take rejection personally. In the case of sexual abuse, it is absolutely critical that the partner of an abuse survivor realize this.

This is not an overnight revelation for Corri, there was a LOT of steps and situations that lead to this

Just like Corri did not realize this until she could see the respect issue from the other side, many times partners do not see the invisible, albiet tiny steps thier spouses are making toward healthy respect and esteem.

A woman deeply wants to, surrender to a man, whether she will admit or is aware of it. I said this a long time ago in different words. The more fear and anger surrounds her because of past injuries, the more imperturbable, the more indifferent you have to be to the tests. You have to be absolutely TEFLON. Humor is always always helpful. Its a good way to defuse and deflect, its useful to show the attacks are not crushing you, its a way to sarcastically self deprecate, thats not unattractive. You have to have a strong sense of requiring respect, so when she steps over the line, you are ready and immediately point it out and require it. The testing and lashing out is not at you,
its them afraid of you....misplaced protection of self. Like an injured animal lashes out at those that try to 'help' it with its injuries.

This begs the question of why men stay involved with a woman who doesn't readily submit? Is it a question of compassion? Is it a question of proving virility?

Ask yourself guys... Do I have a dislike, anger, irratation at my own gender for the ugly sides of male attributes, the darkness of assertive, the abuse of strong, the requirement and weight of leadership. If you do, your not going to be radically honest. Your insecurities are going to 'idgit' her and crash.

There are so many abuses of power (or physical stature, intellectual superiority, or monitary finesse and gain that stands in for power) all around us. These abuses are perpetrated by women as well as men. Does our humanity doom us to abuses of true power? Is the presence of true power a catalyst to do what is morally correct? What acknowledgement and acceptance of abuse of power required for effective leadership in relationships?