I understand a little better now. I was thinking there was a sudden breakthrough when you uttered those words, but really it was just the final realization of a much longer journey. Got it.
I also understand that self respect is the heart of the matter as it creates self confidence and healthy self esteem. This comes from truly knowing yourself, facing your fears, acknowledging and accepting your faults and weaknesses and living by your values. I understand that. I also understand the backsliding and the role of forgiveness to accept our humanity and move forward in life. What I have a problem with is that certain thick-headed person who seems to keep backsliding and repeating the same mistakes over and over. It would not bother me so much if only I were affected, but when it involves my kids, its hard to stay out of the fray.
I know the answer should be to show compassion to her for her repeated lapses, that maybe it is her OCD or ADD that prevents her from breaking out of her bad habits (she likes to use that excuse), but when you start to suspect all this is just a cover to keep doing the same thing, to foster a certain level of agitation to keep any intimate emotions at bay, well, its hard to pull out that compassion. One thing that would help a lot would be to hear apologies for screw ups, and concern over the effect on myself and others. But that requires the self confidence, self esteem and respect to be able to say “I’m sorry.” And like you say, all that comes from letting go of the resentment. Without that, the emotions, the anger and resentment, run high and control everything. So this all brings me back to where I started, and that is to focus on the FOO and self acceptance to get to the point of self forgiveness.
I’m now wondering how much of your story is in my wife, how much her liberated feminism is in response to the teasing she got from her brothers and the message that boys could do whatever they pleased and girls just had to be nice. I think my wife hates women too, though she just can’t see it. She projects this as competition and aggression toward men. I guess that makes sense since men are the ones she needs to gain acceptance from (if she hates women and they are not worth seeking out acceptance). She is all about women’s rights, the superiority of women’s emotion over men’s dumb logic, how society has tried to subjugate women, and on and on. But like you say, isn’t that all from a lack of respect toward women and herself?
Well, I’ve got some thoughts to chew on a while Corri. I really appreciate you taking the time to lay out so much of yourself. Thank you.
