Quote: I hear you and agree. The difficult part is that while we may know we should follow our intellect and make a conscious choice in our interactions with others, it is often in contradiction with our emotions and what we feel. Pain and anger (and greed and euphoria) are so powerful because they involve such strong chemical responses. Learning to overcome these emotions to allow the intellect to come through is damn near impossible.
Again, it comes down to respect. I don't see emotions as something to overcome, and I don't think that the intellect should rule all, either. There is nothing 'wrong' with emotions, per se. It is how we act and respond in regard to them that can get a little whacky. For example, I can FEEL anger, a raw emotion, but I CAN choose how I act and react regardless of the presence of the emotion. I can respect its presence, acknowledge it, and let it run through me. If I choose to remove myself from the source of the anger, do deep breathing, etc., I can lessen the intensity of the emotion before I DO anything.
Sometimes... I completely SCREW UP, yell and scream, lose it, act in a disrespectful manner... and that is because I am human. That is where foregiveness enters the picture. I can accept the fact that I am human and NOT perfect, I can choose NOT to flog myself for mistake for the rest of my life... make a mental note to myself to let's not DO that again... and continue on with my life and my actions as best I can.
Quote: So much of what we discuss here is directed at controlling and dampening the emotions.
I don't think that is true at all. Like I said, emotions, like anything else, are to be respected. I think controlling and dampening emotions is actually counter-productive. I think it critical that whatever emotions are present, that we have the presence of MIND to acknowledge them, honor them, be honest about them, but in a respectful way. Just because you HAVE an emotion does not mean you have to act on it. But ignoring its presence only causes ulcers and depression.
Quote: How many of us know the correct answer, the correct response, the correct action and yet cannot follow through because of anger?
I'd say you are speaking of resentment, not anger. Anger is a flash emotion, very intense, and typcially does not last long. Resentment is the lingering affect of anger that has not been acknowledged, or has been continually stuffed because of our inability or unwillingness to be HONEST with ourselves or our partner... or a continued frustration because we are in a disrepectful situation and have no clue how to get out of it, around it, etc.
Resentment, then, kills respect, and THAT is why you do not do what you know is correct, for you do not CARE. Now respect for self and other is absent, and you operate from a sea of resentment, entitlement, depression, etc. All negative, and certainly NOT loving.
Quote: I still do not understand what it is in your realization of being resentful toward women that made you drop your anger. Can you tell us what it is about this epiphany that made a difference?
It is very simple, sweety. So simple that you blow by it, time and time again if you do truly acknowledge it. I resented WOMEN, I resented BEING a FEMALE. I AM female. If I rsented women, if I resented females, I resented and loathed myself, for I AM a female. But the thing of it is... I didn't KNOW I resented and disrespected women to the extent that I did, until I decided to TRY actually being what I call 'girly girl.' And once I truly tried it... everything started falling into place. Things began to click. Everything I was doing was a complete 180 for me... utterly foreign and certainly uncomfortable.
But I couldn't DO any of that until I had the courage to EMBRACE my femaleness, and in order to do that... I had to accept it.
All the details of my D are just that. Details. The biggest thing I did for ME in that whole process was to accept my H exactly as HE was, and I had the courage to say... 'no more.' My first act of self-respect. It darn near killed me. I stood up for ME. For the first time in my life, in a real and meaningful way.
Women did not abuse me, no. They don't have to. I never respected them to begin with, which I posted a few pages back.
Think back on your reactions to that story, Cobra. You felt anger and you felt sadness, probably a sickness in your gut at some point... and rather intense. But... momentarily intense. I'm sure you're over it by now.
But imagine being me and living with those emotions everday... that anger and sadness eventually works its way into resentment... a feeling most of us here are very well aquainted with. I got over it. I forgave myself, my mother, my brother... I dealt with my abuse, got over it... there was nothing left there for me to resent.
But still... resentment lingered within me. Resentment knaws at you from the inside... it erodes you, kills whatever joy may enter your system... and you are well aware of its presence... and I can tell you... you are well aware of its ABSENCE. So I thought to msyelf, okay, I'm over the abuse, and can stand away from it, see it as very sad, certainly be empathetic toward myself... k... so... if I'm not resentful about the abuse... then what the heck AM I resentful about?
You all have shown extreme empahty and compassion for what happened to me, and believe it or not, I can do that for msyelf as well. I am very kind and gentle with me when things crop up... 'episodes,' I call them. And they do, every now and then. I thought I was over them, but, much to my surprise... they can still come back. So, fine, they do. And I am kind with myself, and I know how to deal. I run the routine. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I am gentle with myself, and I move on.
In any event, though... I wondered to myself, can I be a girl? Why would I even WANT to be a girl? Yuck. I was intensely curious about my violent reaction to it... so I thought it was something I had better give a go.
In order for me to TRY being a girl, I had to accept and acknowledge that I was in fact female, and in order for me to do that... I HAD to let go of my resentment. I started wondering WHY I was insulted by BF's question of "do you even know how to be a girl?" Why would I be insulted by that? Indignant, even?
This is not something that happened overnight. It took some time, some trying and failing, a lot of confusion, frustration, etc. I had to make myself vulnerable and open to being 'led.' That was darn hard for me. During that process, I began to realize that my abuse was not the source of my resentment, for IT had nothing to do with what I was attempting. So I had to figure out what the flippin' problem WAS.
I hung with it, and there were times when I pushed myself too hard, actually. I started reading more, and trying different things, small at first... and I'd measure response from others, and how I felt about that... and the better I got, the better my responses, and the better I actually began to feel about myself.
One day... I woke up... and it was GONE.
Utterly and completely absent, and believe me, you notice it. I was stunned. And I thought... what the heck happened, what did I do? I'd been posting here on my progress... I knew something had changed, and in a very big way. And then just a week or so ago, that sentence 'popped' out of my mouth, and I knew for certain what it was, and what it had been all along.
