You still seem to miss the core of what is driving your problems. Chrome’s lack of connection with his wife is entirely due to his FOO issues. He was conditioned to feel and react as he does by his unfortunate upbringing. It is not his fault but it is his problem. Because of how he was shaped, he can only find attraction to a woman who will give the kind of nurturing he longs for.
If he were to date a “healthier” woman who understood boundaries and did not feel compelled to rescue men, she would not put out the nurturing, rescuing vibes that Chrome requires to feel attraction. They would have never gotten together. His FOO helps to determine who he marries and so determines (in part) the level of EC in the marriage. Whether he decides to have an EA or not has a lot to do with his level of confidence, his level of self pity and martyrdom.
What about people who are married for years and years before they ever even contemplated an A of any kind? Was their FOO simply repressed during those other years and then all of a sudden it surfaces? I find that very unlikely. A R that becomes empty for someone is enough of a push for an A without having to dig all that much deeper in most cases.
I think people who have EAs are really making a passive-aggressive cry for help and attention. They are scared to confront their own issues, responsibilities and problems in the marriage, so they “act out.” Others may turn to alcohol, drugs, shopping, etc. The choice is determined in part by the level of denial, resentment, bravery, who knows what else. Having an EA does not mean FOO issues suddenly surface. In fact, I suspect the are even more buried, because if they were to surface, the person may be able to recognize why and what s/he is feeling/wanting and understand that and EA may not solve the problem.
Your statement implies that an empty relationship is a force that acts upon you and forces you to seek out an EA. In other words, you are the victim of circumstance. This is simply not true. You are NOT a victim in your marriage. You may have been as a child at the hands of abusive parents, but you are as responsible for the lack of EC in your marriage and the factors that contributed to your EA as your H is. To me, the fact that my comments hit a nerve with you tells me you still have not come to accept this. Try to open those blinders a little more. It really is to help you get what you really want.
