Again I’m in total agreement with you. The reason I hang on to pushing a little more into my W’s FOO is that not doing so lets her stay stuck and keeps the fighting and reactivity going. Like Happy Giant’s wife, I think my W just does not want to confront some hard issues about her past and uses all excuses and deflections that she can to avoid them. My avoiding this will not move the marriage forward. Couple this with poor self esteem on her part (like we see in Chrome and HG’s wives) and the m/f dynamics just seem to go nowhere. M/f interplay only works to the extent each person is comfortable with those roles, or at least is able to tolerate any discomfort long enough to get accustomed to it.
Corri, this is why your thread is so interesting and relevant to me. A year or two ago you were not likely to receive any of the m/f dynamics in a healthy way, right? A man playing toward your femininity could actually have come across as offensive, especially if you were not comfortable with that part of you. You may have interpreted his actions as condescending, treating you as the “weaker” more vulnerable sex, something I’m sure you would have hated to hear. What you wanted at that time (and what my W still wants now) is to be treated equally as a male. So if I comment to my W that she is a tough, hard woman, she takes it as a compliment. I suspect that not too recently you would have too. But now, the “new” Corri might be able to see that such a comment is not all that flattering to a true caring, empathic, nurturing woman.
As for the “pushing,” I see this as an inertia sort of thing. At the beginning there is need for some really hard pushing to get this moving, to bring things to the other person’s attention. Chrome’s EA is exactly this. Once the spouse understands the seriousness of the matter, they will hopefully pick up some of that momentum. But for others, internal defenses are so strong that they will resist the movement at all costs (again, see HG’s wife as a clear example). For you Corri and GEL, I see both of you are sufficiently aware and open minded to pick up that momentum. My W has shown the opposite tendency (though I know she will argue the opposite).
