I completely agree with your take on my marriage. I think I am approaching the point where focus on m/f dynamics will give better results. But, I also want to say that I am convinced that focusing on this only will not give the results we all are looking for. I believe bringing out the major FOO skeletons is critical to relationship recovery.
For instance, take a look at Chrome (sorry to use you as an example Chrome, hope you don’t mind). He twice was lured by the pull of an EA. This need does not come from his relationship dynamics, but from his FOO. If he had a different FOO, he would be a different person, would be married to a different woman and may have had his needs met so that his “cry for help” in way of an EA would never have been necessary. As it is, in spite of the work he did with Blackfoot, that was not sufficient to prevent a second EA. I suspect that if he does not resolve the emotional issues driving his self esteem and sense of abandonment, he will eventually have a third EA.
The last comment I saw by Blackfoot hinted that he was dealing with surfacing anger and resentment. No matter how much he acts in the “appropriate” manner toward women, this resentment will always be there. When his changing needs cannot be met through this interaction, the resentment could surface. He will have to resolve it at its origin. Once that is settled, then I think he will be in a much better position to practice his “art.”
With certain people like my wife, and the wives of Hairdog, Lou and others, focusing only on the m/f dynamic can become extremely frustrating. These women have walls built up that must come down, at least to some degree, before anything can get through. An improved m/f dynamic will help this process, but I do not think only m/f dynamics will get the job done. I have been feeling fairly recently that it may be time to start changing my focus. My W has been a little less defensive to talking about her issues, so things have improved to the point that we are moving forward again.
What I have learned is that women like my W are extremely vulnerable inside and they know it. The stronger the outside shell, the more vulnerable. You seem to be (or have been) the same way. With my W, I have noticed over the years that she will resist change, saying she changes at her own pace, works on things in her own way, and doesn’t like me trying to make her into someone else (Chrome, you listening?) I can remember only a few times when she has changed voluntarily, without must push on my part. The rest of the times, the only way change came about was to push VERY hard and put up with the backlash. But eventually she would change. Just like my daughter’s tantrum over the braces, W seems to do all she can to fight change and has used almost every trick in the book (whether she realized it or not). But what I have recently realized is that this is just her natural way of changing, so like I did with my daughter, I let her vent, rant and rave, but I keep on message and keep the pressure steady. Eventually she adjusts and settles down (btw, D13 has been VERY pleasant since having the braces put on this past Monday).
