I don't know that I am so much self-doubting per se... as I am just a bit unsure of my footing, if you can see the difference. I suppose, now, looking back on my life and knowing that I have always rejected my femaleness... I can see very clearly why I felt like I never quite fit in. I was some weird, obscure, homogenous mix of male and female... thinkig and acting like a guy, but being stuck in a woman's body. That may sound like I might be homosexual... but no. I'm not. I've never had any leanings that way... not that there is anything wrong with that... but it wasn't me. I was just stuck in between two worlds, neither male nor female, not really fitting into one group or the other, simply because I rejected myself as a female.
Quote: Now about your latest post on coming to peace with your femininity… I find this post very interesting because I think my wife, like Hairdog’s, has some anger toward women. She says her anger is really directed toward her father, for his abuse of her mother, and while I believe that, I still think there is still anger toward her mother. I’d like to understand more about what it is that makes women hate being women. You said:
I don't know that I have anger toward my mother, per se. I think... maybe... like Mojo said... there is a group of us females that were born during the feminist movement... our mothers were burning bras (or not), getting out into the work force, blazing trails... believing that that was a good thing (which I think I was to some extent)... but us girls were left going... sooooo.... better to be male or female? We kind of got lost in the mix, somehow.
Like I said, I don't know that it was anything that my parents did or didn't do... it was just something that I SAW very clearly with my own child eyes. My world largely involved men who had no respect for women... my mother was bouncing from R to R, M to M... and given, like BF says, men 'lead,' I was naturally following and mirroring what was in my life... a lack of respect for women in general. No one in my world EVER celebrated femininity... doesn't mean my mother didn't try to get me into skirts or ballet lessons... it's just what was being 'told' to me did NOT jive in any way with what I was seeing, observing and experiencing. So I can't really BLAME anyone for these mistaken notions... I just came to them on my own, without conscious thought.
Quote: How did you come to realize you had this anger (other than your statement jumping out of your mouth)?
Well... I knew I had anger, and I guess I always thought it had to do with my sexual abuse. But, things still weren't jiving with me. I battling and addressed that issue to death... faced it, overcame it... faced it again, overcame it again... but still... the anger. Blackfoot really honed in on it for me... I knew I had walls built up around me... but still... WHY? What the heck was the cause? I really had no clue... it didn't make sense.
Here and there, BF would challenge me on my attitude, the way I responded to posters, how I would write things... things that I said and the way I said them... HE noticed my intense competitiveness, my 'in your faceness,' and tried to point it out to me. Okay...
So then I got into reading about Peace Between the Sheets and the whole male/female attraction dance... and I guess I just realized I was following more of a 'male' pattern than a female pattern... and how, in doing so... I was creating a lot of my own problems. BF has gone on and on and on about women learning how to 'surrender,' to men... and I didn't get it, didn't understand what that meant... how does a women surrender without becoming passive?
Started reading more... and slowly wandering into the world of being a woman. Started dating a man who somehow figured out how to bring it out of me without me feeling silly or threatened about it... and the further I wandered into it... the more I realized the truth of what BF goes on and on about...
I don't know... just little by litte. I've ALWAYS competed with boys... that's just how I grew up. I knew no different. Had no idea how 'off' that actually was... I got really good a sports and was completely pissed about the fact that, if I had been a male, I'd be a professional in something making millions of dollars to play a dam game... but that avenue wasn't open to me. So then I had to compete mentally... and I did... boy howdy. I can go head-to-head with just about any guy on the planet and be completely confident in my abilities.... pound for pound.
But that does NOTHING for a healthy R. NOTHING. Screws it up rather bad, quite honestly. But girls of my generation were encouraged to step up and compete... for that was the only way you would ever be treated equally.
WRONG. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
I don't know... one day, I woke up and noticed I wasn't angry anymore. I WANTED to figure out this whole female thing... I WANTED to learn how to be soft and gentle and feminine... loose the hard edge. I started reading more and more about male/female attraction... trying things out... noticing the different responses from men I was getting... trying again... failing here... succeeding there... and thinking to myself... "BF is really onto something, here."
Only until yesterday did I have a name for the very SIMPLE cause. It usually is simple, you know. So simple you can't see it for the life of you. Sexual abuse is a very complex issue. Very. And the fact that after yaers of dealing with it I still had... something in me that wasn't jiving, to me said... I haven't hit bottom yet.
And as soon as that popped out of my mouth... and all the different successes I've been having recently on being really good at being a woman... did it all just 'click.' Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Quote: Is this change in your anger due more to not being around an abusive husband or is it due to you becoming more independent and self sufficient?
I have always been incredibly independent and self-sufficient... and I'd say that has been a big part of the problem. I've been TOO independent and self-sufficient. I will even go so far as to say that my behavior, more than likely, contributed a great deal to the abusive situation... for I was always competing... like having two alpha males in the same territory. MY behavior was clouding the issue... and because I was not aware of it... I couldn't change it... I couldn't back off without feeling I was losing somehow.
That's not to say that my H and I were well suited. I don't think we were, and knowing what I know now, I still would not go back. But to give the devil his due.... I was 100% responsible for my half of that M failing. And I continue to find, each day... what I could have done different.
Quote: You’ve got such great insight into your emotions and issues, I am wondering why this whole issue has escaped you and why you have come to see it know now?
I don't know, Cobra. I guess because I was finally in an atmosphere after H and I split where I felt 'safe' enough to let down my guard, I could actually HEAR what someone was trying to tell me. I've grown a lot as a person... I'm not so defense anymore that I can't own my mistakes... I don't feel a need to defend myself, make excuses, blame someone else... I had no idea what I was doing. None. NONE. I always thought the men in my life were the issue... and they may have contributed... but... not like my outright rejection of all things feminine. The answer has always been with me... inside of me... just could never, ever see it. Only until I was brave enough, have enough confidence to try it (meaning being who I am) a different way did I see that there might actually be a more efficient, more successful way of expressing who I am... and how that might affect how I relate to others... especially men.
And the difference I've noticed is not just with men... but with darn near everyone with whom I come into contact... men, women, children... and all I can tell you is... the anger is GONE. I didn't realize it was ever there, really, until it wasn't... make any sense? I certainly noticed it... and I couldn't quite figure it out at first... I just knew something was missing... and I didn't really miss it all that much... and then of course, Corri the curious, had to figure it out what IT was, and why, and how, etc., etc... and you know the drill...
