Thanks so much for the kind words and encouragement. I am so trying to have myself a good time... and stay out of my own way while doing it.
Oh... and GUESS WHAT? I came to one of the most earth-shattering revelations about myself today... and I was so dam stunned, all I could do is sit there with my mouth hanging open. Not that all of you haven't been telling me this very thing for the last three years... but... like I've said many times... you can't see what you can't see... until you do.
I was talking to my girlfriend today, as we girls are wont to do... and she is just stunned by this whole new girly girl me. She thinks it is high time... she even complimented my on my purse and my shoes... can you believe it.
And I was saying to her, "you know, for the first time in my life, I am actually enjoying -- reveling -- in being a woman... and to think that up until just recently, I HATED being a female. (That just popped out of my mouth... from where I don't know).
We just both sat silent... her staring at me, me sitting silent with my mouth hanging open. And then I said, "Oh my god, did you hear what I just said?"
When I was a child... I HATED being a girl. Hated it, hated it, hated it. I envied boys... that they got to play all the sports, that they got to ride motorcycles, that they could walk around with their shirt off... that they just seemed to run things... and I worked very HARD at being a tomboy, otherwise, I didn't have anyone to play with. So I dressed like a boy, acted like a boy, got into fist fights with boys, learned to play every single one of their sports... I rejected all things girl.
Of course I grew up and started finding boys cute... but not until today did I realize that I never lost that childhood notion that being a female somehow made me less of a being. Isn't that so sad?
All the anger I've carried toward myself for being female all these years, due to some childhood notion I picked up along the way... I had NO IDEA that notion was still rattling around inside of me... NONE.
When my girlfriend complimented me on my female-ness and my taste today (I happen to admire her fashion sense and womanlyness a great deal, btw)... I was so proud of myself. Quite honestly, I think it is the first time in my life that I've ever enjoyed such a wonderful compliment on being a woman... ever. I was proud of me... for getting this female thing...
I'm so NOT jealous of men anymore... not angry at them, not trying to compete with them, not trying to one-up them, be as smart as them, or as strong as them, or.... ANYTHING. I see men and the whole male/female thing in such a different light, I can't even express to you how much I've taken myself by surprise.
And then I think to myself, in my different POV... well, no flippin' wonder. No wonder I picked the men that I did, no wonder my R's went as they had gone, no wonder, no wonder, no wonder...
I really can't blame anyone for that skewed notion I had... I didn't even KNOW I had it until today (though all of you probably knew it). I don't think my parents taught it to me... I just decided it on my own, watching my parents and society with my child eyes, and coming to my own conclusion and holding it as truth.
Up until maybe a month ago, I had no idea what a joy and a pleasure and a wonderful privledge it is to be a woman.... and in knowing THAT, how loving and giving I can be to a man.... in being a woman, how wonderful I can make a man feel about being a man. Jesus.
Anger and resentment, to me, is the root of all evil, for it, is the root of stress. Of course I have to give myself a wee break here because I never truly understood what I was angry and resentful about... I'd tell you that sure,,, of course I like men. What I figured out is... I DIDN'T LIKE being a woman... I didn't like women... I didn't respect women, nor anything feminine, and therefore, didn't like nor respect myself.
Listen up, HD, because I think your W may have the same syndrome. I don't think your wife hates men... I think your wife hates women, I think she doesn't like being a woman, doesn't KNOW HOW to be a woman... has no clue. And because of that... she has NO IDEA how to relate to you. None. It's all a competition... for if she had just been born a man... all her problems would be solved.
Well... the good news is in all of this... I have a lot of lost time to make up for. I certainly enjoy the fact that I CAN BE a jock... I can throw footballs, spit, cuss, tussle, wrestle, ride motorcyles, etc., etc. I'm just going to do all that when I feel like it... wearing a skirt, with my painted toenails, and if I win, do so with tons of female grace and charm... not my typcial "in your face" attitude.
Oh my goodness, you guys, I can't even begin to tell you what a whole different world has opened up for me. I barely know what to do first... as long as I don't chip a nail while doing it, kwis?
<giggle>
I just can't get over this.... no wonder. No fcking wonder....
Corri
This post is dedicated to bf with my everlasting thanks.
