Corri, get the Black Cohosh by Gaia Herbs-- called "liquid phyto-caps." They're capsules but there is liquid in them instead of dried herb. They're absorbed faster because they're liquid, but since the liquid is encapsulated, you don't taste anything. I get mine at Whole Foods.
I don't know that I have my sh!t together, honey... it's more along the lines that it all hit the fan, and when it spews back at you, it tends to stick together, kwis?
It's been my experience that it all comes in fits and starts. Somedays you feel amazing, you have the courage to smile, things go well... and then the next day, you feel like you've been dumped in a toilet that doesn't quite flush properly... you just kind of swirl around endlessly in the waste that neither rises nor falls... ewh. You have to do the HoneyPot manuever and stick your arm down the commode and unclog the stuff... hey... ya gotta do what ya gotta do, hey HP?
Quote: And I hate to ask... the 'stuff' that you and your XH went through for months? Was that after your D?
No... it was during the D. We split in June and our D was final/final in May. I say final/final because it was final three times before it was finally final. Legal stuff. Thank God my D came along and challenged darn near every statuet (HD?, SP?) on the books...
Uhm... well, the 'stuff' was mostly 'emotional' in nature. Anger. Zingers. Boundaries. Me learning to believe in myself and the course I had set for myself and the kids... there are some things you know, once you know them, and I just could not, ever, go back. Ever. I was piss poor with boundaries when I was married and that created many of the problems we had... and when I finally began to set some... jesus it was hard to stand by them. This past year, without a doubt, has been one of the blackest of my life... recovering from a D and a car accident at the same time... worrying endlessly about my kids and how they were adjusting... the emotional stuff... and that's really all I want to say about it, sorry.
Quote: I have been D'd for almost two months now... (was married 20+ years) and I feel so lost! I am trying to find my 'nitch'... what I like to do... but it seems like all I do is work, sleep... sometimes eat...
Well. That's part of the problem. Every day, set aside some time for you... buy a lip stick... get a manicure... take a walk... give yourself a home facial. Something. Anything. Just for you. Pretty soon, you will grow a fondness for spoiling you... giving YOU attention. Doesn't mean you will be kicking up your heels from a facial... but you begin to form a habit of thinking about YOU. For those 15 minutes, you get to remember what it feels like not to feel bad... or even numb.
Write in a journal every day. Not about how sad you are, but by listing, each day, three things you did well, three things you are grateful for... three things that are positive in nature. Every day do this. Begin to look at yourself and list what you like about what you see. And if you can't think of anything, find it. Write about it. Describe why you like you.
You HAVE to become your own best friend, first and foremost. Doesn't mean you don't ever feel down, doesn't mean you don't cry, doesn't mean you don't feel like giving up. But listen to that voice inside... the kind one that you cover up with your mental tirades against yourself... SHE is the one you need to listen to, for she will guide you out of the sh!t. She was there for everyone else on the planet in a life before, she is now there for you. Listen to her.
As for the men thing... well. Get thee down to the bookstore and buy "Mama Gena's Owner's and Operator's Guide to Men." Men hate that book. They should, given the way it is written. But she says upfront... "if you are a man and you are reading this book, put it down. It will piss you off." But. She does have a book for men, and most women don't like it, so there you go.
Like it or not... you will see truth. Go get it. Read the first chapter and then come back and tell me what you think.
Go. Go... go on, go. Go get it, now. I'm waiting. And as EVERYONE knows around here, I have absolutely NO patience whatsoever.
I do think the Mama Gena thing would be incredible. I have just had a pretty girly time as well. While H was gone on his annual boy extravaganza trip to the beach I took time off work and redid my girls' room (they share). I did it in these lovely aqumarine colors (not pink) that are so different from my usual safe decorating choices. Every time i walk in to their room I feel great! I feel like my girls have a place in this den of testosterone (H owned the house with himself and foster boys before I lived here).
Your comment on journaling - soooo true! There are some terrific books/workshops on journaling - google it and you will find some interesting things and I have a book called Journaling for Joy. I also often use the topics that Oprah has in her magazine - there are some new questions every month that center around a certain theme. I would love it if there were a journal created that had lined paper in the front and a divider and sketch pad paper in the back - I have started to do some illustrations with watercolor colored pencils in mine (I suck as an artist but need to create once in a while).
Hey there Corri... Thank you for asking about me. I am so enjoying reading your last set of posts...it sounds like you are having some FUN! Imagine that!
I took some time away from the board beause I needed to let go of being " marriage fixer" for awhile. I just wanted to get some summertime R&R in. I continue to have a lot of stress with my aging( 80+), frail parents...there is always some crisis, yet it makes me feel good to be there for them. I haven't been drowning in it, though, been making some time for me, and I have put on hold my going-back-to-school idea for now. This Sept will be the first time in couintless yrs I will not hold some sort of work position...more change, does it ever end?...but I feel I need the time.
I have also gotten myself back in regular therapy...a very good thing indeed.
I have been allowing the marital stuff to go on without me, and while things a fairly good, there are areas that are going to require my digging in once again. After Labor Day,lol.
I am sooo proud of you and excited for your future! You rock!!! Thank you for expressing all the emotions you are going through...it's so great to have a place to share the ups and downs of life. I'll probably start posting more regularly in the fall...but in a moderate, non-compulsive way.
Oh...and if you and Karen ever do a NYC thing, remember I am less than an hr from the city!
Your thread has brought some old regulars out from their hiding places!
Corri, You spit, you throw footballs AND you still find time to shop for shoes? Folks, that is what is called being well rounded.
I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
Reading your posts from this time last year was heart wrenching. There was everything to say and nothing to say, kwim? It's so wonderful to watch it come full circle and see happiness and even, gasp, hope re-emerge in your posts.
However, there's one bone I have to pick with you. Just what in the hell do you think you're doing making me green with envy with your fantastical date that includes *airplanes* and pedicures, for goodness' sakes?? There's got to be something about that in Mama's book...something like, Don't be a bitch and make your friends jealous.
And, honey, if you're ever swirling in the commode again, puhleeeeease just let me know. You know I have experience dealing with those problems.
Well I'll say one thing Corri... you made me grin reading your post!
I bet you'd be one of those girl friends that would slap me upside the head and tell me to 'snap out of it!'
Quote: I was piss poor with boundaries when I was married and that created many of the problems we had... and when I finally began to set some... jesus it was hard to stand by them.
Oh yesss... i know all about this... I don't think I had a boundary one in our relationship until all this crap started and I discovered what a friggin boundary was!... and even though we are D'd it is still hard to stick to them... to point to the line in the concrete and say... 'nuh, uh buddy boy... I'm NOT taking that cr*p from you anymore!'
Quote: Somedays you feel amazing, you have the courage to smile, things go well... and then the next day, you feel like you've been dumped in a toilet that doesn't quite flush properly...
Yes... good, great... WONDERFULLY ACCURATE analogy! Just gotta pull myself out of that toilet and catch a few breaths... even if they stink!
Quote: Every day, set aside some time for you... For those 15 minutes, you get to remember what it feels like not to feel bad... or even numb
You are soooo right... I have to do this... i have to do this... i need to do this... i NEED to do this... (maybe if i repeat it enough times... i'll actually REMEMBER to do this!) The journal thing does sound like an excellent idea... I love to write... but then when I write it is fantasy and NOT about me... probably it's really an escape from me... This learning to 'look' at yourself is hard... living for YOURSELF is hard! 'Listening' to that voice though... that's getting easier. Much easier.
Okay... Try to hold onto your patience... I will go and buy "Mama Gena's Owner's and Operator's Guide to Men" (sounds like a hoot) forthwith... immmediately... right awayyyyyyy... (can you hear my voice getting fainter as I run out the door?)
Don't wanna harsh your mellow. When I get some time, I'll start a new thread about my adventures in SSMland. Sounds like your having a blast! Don't even get over yourself.
Cine
P.S. Just turned 41 and the hormonal assult is in full swing. I'm gonna get ahold of some black cohash asap.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Thanks so much for the kind words and encouragement. I am so trying to have myself a good time... and stay out of my own way while doing it.
Oh... and GUESS WHAT? I came to one of the most earth-shattering revelations about myself today... and I was so dam stunned, all I could do is sit there with my mouth hanging open. Not that all of you haven't been telling me this very thing for the last three years... but... like I've said many times... you can't see what you can't see... until you do.
I was talking to my girlfriend today, as we girls are wont to do... and she is just stunned by this whole new girly girl me. She thinks it is high time... she even complimented my on my purse and my shoes... can you believe it.
And I was saying to her, "you know, for the first time in my life, I am actually enjoying -- reveling -- in being a woman... and to think that up until just recently, I HATED being a female. (That just popped out of my mouth... from where I don't know).
We just both sat silent... her staring at me, me sitting silent with my mouth hanging open. And then I said, "Oh my god, did you hear what I just said?"
When I was a child... I HATED being a girl. Hated it, hated it, hated it. I envied boys... that they got to play all the sports, that they got to ride motorcycles, that they could walk around with their shirt off... that they just seemed to run things... and I worked very HARD at being a tomboy, otherwise, I didn't have anyone to play with. So I dressed like a boy, acted like a boy, got into fist fights with boys, learned to play every single one of their sports... I rejected all things girl.
Of course I grew up and started finding boys cute... but not until today did I realize that I never lost that childhood notion that being a female somehow made me less of a being. Isn't that so sad?
All the anger I've carried toward myself for being female all these years, due to some childhood notion I picked up along the way... I had NO IDEA that notion was still rattling around inside of me... NONE.
When my girlfriend complimented me on my female-ness and my taste today (I happen to admire her fashion sense and womanlyness a great deal, btw)... I was so proud of myself. Quite honestly, I think it is the first time in my life that I've ever enjoyed such a wonderful compliment on being a woman... ever. I was proud of me... for getting this female thing...
I'm so NOT jealous of men anymore... not angry at them, not trying to compete with them, not trying to one-up them, be as smart as them, or as strong as them, or.... ANYTHING. I see men and the whole male/female thing in such a different light, I can't even express to you how much I've taken myself by surprise.
And then I think to myself, in my different POV... well, no flippin' wonder. No wonder I picked the men that I did, no wonder my R's went as they had gone, no wonder, no wonder, no wonder...
I really can't blame anyone for that skewed notion I had... I didn't even KNOW I had it until today (though all of you probably knew it). I don't think my parents taught it to me... I just decided it on my own, watching my parents and society with my child eyes, and coming to my own conclusion and holding it as truth.
Up until maybe a month ago, I had no idea what a joy and a pleasure and a wonderful privledge it is to be a woman.... and in knowing THAT, how loving and giving I can be to a man.... in being a woman, how wonderful I can make a man feel about being a man. Jesus.
Anger and resentment, to me, is the root of all evil, for it, is the root of stress. Of course I have to give myself a wee break here because I never truly understood what I was angry and resentful about... I'd tell you that sure,,, of course I like men. What I figured out is... I DIDN'T LIKE being a woman... I didn't like women... I didn't respect women, nor anything feminine, and therefore, didn't like nor respect myself.
Listen up, HD, because I think your W may have the same syndrome. I don't think your wife hates men... I think your wife hates women, I think she doesn't like being a woman, doesn't KNOW HOW to be a woman... has no clue. And because of that... she has NO IDEA how to relate to you. None. It's all a competition... for if she had just been born a man... all her problems would be solved.
Well... the good news is in all of this... I have a lot of lost time to make up for. I certainly enjoy the fact that I CAN BE a jock... I can throw footballs, spit, cuss, tussle, wrestle, ride motorcyles, etc., etc. I'm just going to do all that when I feel like it... wearing a skirt, with my painted toenails, and if I win, do so with tons of female grace and charm... not my typcial "in your face" attitude.
Oh my goodness, you guys, I can't even begin to tell you what a whole different world has opened up for me. I barely know what to do first... as long as I don't chip a nail while doing it, kwis?
<giggle>
I just can't get over this.... no wonder. No fcking wonder....
Corri
This post is dedicated to bf with my everlasting thanks.
This is absolutely awesome for you!!!! I can so very easily relate to what you just said. I was...in my Mom's words "the best dressed tomboy she'd ever seen". I think I just managed when I was growing up (thanks to my folks) to blend being feminine....and doing the "boys" activities that I enjoyed. I even have a photo somewhere of me climbing a tree for a photo-session, in a tight a-line skirt and 4" heels LOL. I guess that right there gives you the picture of what my Mom was talking about LOL.
I can relate to what you are saying though from my teenage years...to my very early twenties. I sort of fought being "feminine", or at least being perceived that way. I still dressed nicely...but my behavior wasn't typically feminine. I tried to be too strong, hid too much emotionally....and unfortunately that came across to many people as arrogant, defensive....and well, just pushed people away from me.
This discovery about yourself is such a breakthrough!!! KUDOS to you my friend for getting to the point where you were able to recognize it when it came flying out of your mouth.
I'm so very happy for you, I'm doing my Snoopy Dance!!!!
