Sorry, didn't mean to drop off the planet on you all... I've been traveling for the last two weeks... one week, my computer didn't go with me, the next week it did... and I'm astounded, given the computer geek that I am... that I had only 30 minutes of "ohmygod, ihavetocheckmyemail-itis." Very unusual for me. But... I am out and trying to enjoy life... and I feel less and less need to live in my computer world.
FWIW... I seem to have headed back into calmer hormonal waters. Jesus... given where I was two weeks ago, I feel like a Jekel and Hyde. For everyone who recommended any kind of supplement to me.... I'm on ALL of them!!
Mo, just so you know... I read back over my D update to you... wow... boy do I leave out a lot of stuff. Habit, I guess. So wary... please don't think it was as easy as I may have made it sound... up until maybe a month ago... life was... the remnants of a train wreck. For as much as I wish my xH happiness... and I do... the demise of a M IS without a doubt, a death, and I was up and down, and all things in between. It ain't fun, even if you are the one who initiates it. Actually, it was utter and complete he!!.
And YES, I feel terribly guility about dating. I feel like I have a big D branded on my forehead. I'm getting over it. I'm getting over men being 'nice' to me. I'm getting over compliments coming out of nowhere. I'm getting over having someone 'look' at me in a bar and automatically assuming I must have a huge stain on my blouse that is attracting attention, or that he MUST BE looking at some women behind me and I just happen to be in the way.
I was pretty much convinced when I D'ed that I was the ultimate loser in life. My self-esteem was near non-existant, I had progressively worse and worse anxiety attacks about being able to 'make it on my own,' make responsible choices, responsible decisions... and jesus... from my M... I was SOOOO convinced that I was completely sexually defective that... well... never thought, in a MILLION years, that I was actually quite normal.
I don't want to go into nitty-gritty detail about the back and forth stuff that went on between xH and I for months and months, because... jeese... I don't want to relive it all, and it doesn't do anyone any good. Details of my life that really aren't relative to anyone else.
I am slowly learning to trust myself again. I'd say I am out of the mangled train wreck, walking around dazed and confused... checking to see if I still have all my body parts, if I'm bleeding anywhere... to the 'returning to the scene' part where you go... 'sh!t... I walked away alive from THAT!!??.
It takes time, a LONG time... so any of you out there who are throwing the D thing around like it's your last option in life... well... maybe it is. I'm not here to tell anyone to stay or go, for ultimately, that is a decision only YOU can make... but I will say to all of you... you had best have a properly working driver side air bag and make sure you have your seat belt on before you drive your car into the cement wall full speed, kwis?
Now I'm standing here, wondering where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. Everything is different now. Everything. It's not good, and it's not bad. Some days it's incredibly exciting, some days it's the scariest thing I've ever faced. Is it better? Dunno. I guess I wouldn't say 'better,' and I certainly would not say worse... it's just different. Completely and utterly different.
I will say... that **I** like me much better. I like that I smile and laugh so much more easily now. I like that I am more comfortable in my own skin. I like that I now have hope, where before, I had none.
I will also say that time and distance have given me insight. Many M issues that I thought were 'real' were merely my own illusion and perception... and many issues were far more real than I ever thought and I cannot believe how I could have doubted my intuition for so long.
So yeah... I've been a bit defensive, and I have to say, sometimes very, very reluctant to post here.... 'cept for the fact that I love dearly each and every one of you... I am in a different place, with different perspective. That perspective isn't better or worse... it's just different. I'm not speaking from a similar POV anymore, and by that very nature, I have no basis of credibility.
You want to talk about boundaries, psychology, buddhism, harmonic oscillators, books - self-help or otherwise, cosmology, stocks, the comedy channel on XM radio, life in general... hey, I'm your girl. I can no longer effectively speak on the topic of SSM, for I'm not there anymore.
<shrug, with a dopey grin>. You all will find your way, whatever that way may be, and I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that this is true. None. You are all beautiful people. Looking back, were I to give me advice to the person I was then... I think it just would have been, 'lighten up, honey. Lighten way the fck up.'
But.
You can't see what you can't see. Until you do.
It'll be okay, you'll all be okay. Even me. And thank God we have each other to yammer at along the way, eh?
You are doing great. It is difficult to negotiate life at first with the "scarlet D". When you were the initiator (as I was) you have trouble feeling as if you can stand on the "moral high" ground. It is just all too human. You are doing just terrific though.
My personal pet peeve in dating after the D - if someone asked my status I simply said "separated" or "divorced" as applicable but didn't go into detail. I met more men who said in a hang dog kinda way, "Hi I'm Mike and I'm going through a divorce" as if they were saying that they were "going through chemotherapy". I didn't offer the information unless asked.
Hi Corri... I have been a bit AWOL, but wanted to add my 2 cents to the perimenopausal discussion. I am 44 and I have to say that in the past few years I have felt moments of emotional instability that I believe to be hormonally related ( IOW, it's different than my baseline emotional instability). The resulting feeling is that there are times when I have just felt more " out of control" ( and I too have control freak tendencies). My one bit of advice is to see if you can challenge yourself to not over-control when these wacked-out phases hit...let the vunerability in. I have allowed myself to develop a sensual, feminine side to myself that didn't exist a decade ago, and the change is kinda cool, because it feels like growth.
Anyway, I love your last post...you really are doing great with all the upheaval. Just wondering how your kids are faring as well.
Corri, I haven't been on the board in forever and come back to see that you've moved on to unmarried pastures. Belated hugs to you for the hell you have been through. Pats on the back for having come through it all with, not only yourself intact, but being brave enough to go out there and give it another try. You deserve all the bounty life has to offer, my friend. Perspectives outside the SSM are welcome. Give me some vicarious thrills from the single life and keep posting, k?
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
I have been D'd for almost two months now... (was married 20+ years) and I feel so lost! I am trying to find my 'nitch'... what I like to do... but it seems like all I do is work, sleep... sometimes eat...
And when a man looks me... I frigging freeze and back up so fast you can hear the rubber burning...
Maybe since you seem to have your sh!t together... maybe you can give me some D advice?? How do you cope?
And I hate to ask... the 'stuff' that you and your XH went through for months? Was that after your D?
because you're right... EVERYTHING is different now...
You sound like you're healing, girlfriend. This is a wonderful post...
Quote: I will say... that **I** like me much better. I like that I smile and laugh so much more easily now. I like that I am more comfortable in my own skin. I like that I now have hope, where before, I had none.
Isn't it an odd notion to find a diamond in the rubble? I find this the most hopeful and exciting element about life after the fallout.
Quote: I was pretty much convinced when I D'ed that I was the ultimate loser in life. My self-esteem was near non-existant, I had progressively worse and worse anxiety attacks about being able to 'make it on my own,' make responsible choices, responsible decisions... and jesus... from my M... I was SOOOO convinced that I was completely sexually defective that... well... never thought, in a MILLION years, that I was actually quite normal.
Man, I understand. So... are you ready for some new reading material? They're not self help, but more along the lines of affirmation...
Moving On by Sarah Ban Breathnach. She discusses life after the big D. And her story is much more colorful and disturbing than yours or mine. It's a very hopeful read.
Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled and Independent by Judy Ford. This is a quick read and fun too--she really draws terrific word pictures and the one that really helped me was redefining myself in terms of being *single* vs. *divorced*. Face it, we ARE single. She goes on to say that when we choose to see ourselves as single, there's a lot less stigma attached--particularly in the perception of those we meet. (Ahem, you know... potential dating partners?)
At the very least, I'm so glad you believe in yourself and your intuition. You're a remarkable lady, so don't doubt that for a second.
Back to work. I've been slacking long enough!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. It means a lot coming from somone who has BTDT. Really. I still think we need to meet up in NYC for one of Mama Gena's classes. Anytime you are ready, just holler. Seriously. I would go in a HEARTBEAT.
Can you possibly fathom how much FUN that would be!?!?
Well, my goodness, woman, where the HAIL have you been?! Life going well? Feeling okay? What's up with YOU?
Hormones. Jesus, my great new adventure. All the girls who have showed up here with their advice have been outstanding. I am already on Fish/Flax Seed Oil, been doing the B Complex with Vit. C... I think, for me... the one thing that helped MOST, almost immediately was the black cohosh... icky as it is... so if you aren't on it, amscray down to the orestay and get yourself some. The releif it brought was darn near immediate... (thank you UD, and for the return of the gag reflex... ) it comes in pill form... I suggest that.
Quote: I have allowed myself to develop a sensual, feminine side to myself that didn't exist a decade ago, and the change is kinda cool, because it feels like growth.
Sweety, I am so feminine right now, I can barely stand myself. I'm GIRLY, for godsakes. I shop for shoes nonstop. Where in the heck did that come from?! Not that I buy them, mind you... but I certainly SHOP for them. I SHOP with mindless purpose, not with my housewife practicality. No more, "in and out and be done with it." I SCAN and see potential... whew.
I actually took a bubble bath the other day just because I felt like it and wanted to smell all sweet and dewy just for me. I didn't have a date. Didn't have anywhere to go, no one to see.... just felt like it 'cuz it made me feel 'girly.' Christ. Just to get over myself, I threw football with my oldest son today... sweet azz spirals, you should have seen me. My direction isn't so great... but he can move to catch it -- afterall... no one is supposed to stand still and catch a football. And then, for good measure, I spit... when no one was looking.
The kids are doing well. It's hard, no doubt about that... but my xH only lives about a 1/2 mile from me, and there is no qualms from either of us when the kids might want to come spend some time with me or him during my/his week, or vice versa. We try to stay as consistent as possible from house to house... we communicate about how they are doing, what they are discussing, how they might be feeling... and as long as we talk about them, we get along fine.
I don't know sometimes WHO this woman is that is emerging out of me... really, but I'm kinda sorta getting a pretty big kick out of her... and it's darn near time, kwis?
So dish, honey. Let's hear all about you... it's been 4ever....
Well, JHC, it feels like a flippin' REUNION around here... my god, woman, how ARE you????!!!! What is up with YOU???????
Tales from the singe life?
I just had the most amazing date I've ever been on in my entire LIFE. Ever. EvvvVER... in a completely different city, Chicago, that involved me getting on a plane and just SHOWING UP. I'm still fanning my face and catching my breath....
I don't know whether to giggle or cry. I just have this really weird impulse to paint my toe nails... again... and dust perfumed powder all over my body...
I'll shut up... <giggle>... I just can't get over me....
All the girls who have showed up here with their advice have been outstanding. I am already on Fish/Flax Seed Oil, been doing the B Complex with Vit. C... I think, for me... the one thing that helped MOST, almost immediately was the black cohosh... icky as it is... so if you aren't on it, amscray down to the orestay and get yourself some. The releif it brought was darn near immediate... (thank you UD, and for the return of the gag reflex... 
I just have this really weird impulse to paint my toe nails... again... and dust perfumed powder all over my body...