Sorry, didn't mean to drop off the planet on you all... I've been traveling for the last two weeks... one week, my computer didn't go with me, the next week it did... and I'm astounded, given the computer geek that I am... that I had only 30 minutes of "ohmygod, ihavetocheckmyemail-itis." Very unusual for me. But... I am out and trying to enjoy life... and I feel less and less need to live in my computer world.
FWIW... I seem to have headed back into calmer hormonal waters. Jesus... given where I was two weeks ago, I feel like a Jekel and Hyde. For everyone who recommended any kind of supplement to me.... I'm on ALL of them!!
Mo, just so you know... I read back over my D update to you... wow... boy do I leave out a lot of stuff. Habit, I guess. So wary... please don't think it was as easy as I may have made it sound... up until maybe a month ago... life was... the remnants of a train wreck. For as much as I wish my xH happiness... and I do... the demise of a M IS without a doubt, a death, and I was up and down, and all things in between. It ain't fun, even if you are the one who initiates it. Actually, it was utter and complete he!!.
And YES, I feel terribly guility about dating. I feel like I have a big D branded on my forehead. I'm getting over it. I'm getting over men being 'nice' to me. I'm getting over compliments coming out of nowhere. I'm getting over having someone 'look' at me in a bar and automatically assuming I must have a huge stain on my blouse that is attracting attention, or that he MUST BE looking at some women behind me and I just happen to be in the way.
I was pretty much convinced when I D'ed that I was the ultimate loser in life. My self-esteem was near non-existant, I had progressively worse and worse anxiety attacks about being able to 'make it on my own,' make responsible choices, responsible decisions... and jesus... from my M... I was SOOOO convinced that I was completely sexually defective that... well... never thought, in a MILLION years, that I was actually quite normal.
I don't want to go into nitty-gritty detail about the back and forth stuff that went on between xH and I for months and months, because... jeese... I don't want to relive it all, and it doesn't do anyone any good. Details of my life that really aren't relative to anyone else.
I am slowly learning to trust myself again. I'd say I am out of the mangled train wreck, walking around dazed and confused... checking to see if I still have all my body parts, if I'm bleeding anywhere... to the 'returning to the scene' part where you go... 'sh!t... I walked away alive from THAT!!??.
It takes time, a LONG time... so any of you out there who are throwing the D thing around like it's your last option in life... well... maybe it is. I'm not here to tell anyone to stay or go, for ultimately, that is a decision only YOU can make... but I will say to all of you... you had best have a properly working driver side air bag and make sure you have your seat belt on before you drive your car into the cement wall full speed, kwis?
Now I'm standing here, wondering where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. Everything is different now. Everything. It's not good, and it's not bad. Some days it's incredibly exciting, some days it's the scariest thing I've ever faced. Is it better? Dunno. I guess I wouldn't say 'better,' and I certainly would not say worse... it's just different. Completely and utterly different.
I will say... that **I** like me much better. I like that I smile and laugh so much more easily now. I like that I am more comfortable in my own skin. I like that I now have hope, where before, I had none.
I will also say that time and distance have given me insight. Many M issues that I thought were 'real' were merely my own illusion and perception... and many issues were far more real than I ever thought and I cannot believe how I could have doubted my intuition for so long.
So yeah... I've been a bit defensive, and I have to say, sometimes very, very reluctant to post here.... 'cept for the fact that I love dearly each and every one of you... I am in a different place, with different perspective. That perspective isn't better or worse... it's just different. I'm not speaking from a similar POV anymore, and by that very nature, I have no basis of credibility.
You want to talk about boundaries, psychology, buddhism, harmonic oscillators, books - self-help or otherwise, cosmology, stocks, the comedy channel on XM radio, life in general... hey, I'm your girl. I can no longer effectively speak on the topic of SSM, for I'm not there anymore.
<shrug, with a dopey grin>. You all will find your way, whatever that way may be, and I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that this is true. None. You are all beautiful people. Looking back, were I to give me advice to the person I was then... I think it just would have been, 'lighten up, honey. Lighten way the fck up.'
But.
You can't see what you can't see. Until you do.
It'll be okay, you'll all be okay. Even me. And thank God we have each other to yammer at along the way, eh?
