Girl Help

[Corri]

Lil:

God bless you, I know. I don't think everything I am going through is hormones... I think the hormones are magnifying the stress, and vice versa.

Given the type of person I am (survivor), and knowing ALL that I know about post traumatic stress, I'd say I am just now approaching the point where I feel safe to feel my greif, confusion, anger, sadness, etc. I am well aware of what an emotional train wreck I am right now...

MY problem is, given that I am such a control freak (I know, I know, that's hard to wrap your mind around... Corri, controlling)... my problem is not getting in the way of letting all this come out, allowing myself to be vulnerable, finding the ability to ask other people for help and then accepting it when it comes...

And then there is the side of me that really fears falling apart NOW, when I most need to keep it together. It's affecting my work, meeting deadlines... my personal motivation to succeed. The worst thing that can happen to me is I will lose some clients, doesn't mean I am a loser in life... it's just that for a woman who is so used to keeping such tight rein on her emotions... they are just completely overwhelming me right now.

On the flip side of this, however, I am actually happy about it. There is a part of me that says... GOOD FOR YOU!! Finally! Something you can't control... you get to feel... you get to crash, you get to be less than perfect, you finally get to experience what it is to be emotionally raw and vulnerable and not have the ability to turn it OFF.

So while this may sound a bit nutty... I welcome this... 'cuz I don't have a fcking clue what to do, nor do I have the motivation to read up on it and FIX myself before I can truly experience it.

As for the dog... I will keep this short or I'll start crying again... I'm traveling for business and personal reasons for the next two months. Then the kids hockey season starts. We are never home, and my dog is in the kennel all the time. That is no life for an animal you love.

But... I found him the best home next to mine, and more than likely, it will be even better for HIM, though it is far worse for me.... they call me everyday to give me progress reports (those of you with no pets... just skip this part...). And I can go see him whenever I want (even though he is three hours away).

I think I am losing my point here... oh... me... crashing. Yes... superhuman Corri is cracking at the seams, and quite honestly, it's probably the best dang thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Homrones aren't helping... maybe they are...

I JUST DON'T KNOW. (Go ahead, Haridog, print that one off and stick it to your cork board. )

I don't want to scare anyone, either. I am not so far gone I can't function or that my life is completely falling apart. It isn't. I do not regret what has come, not in the least... and believe me, I check in on that. I wouldn't go back for all the tea in China... and that is not my stubborn part speaking.

So... there you go. Hormones and stress. The elixir of life. Thank you for the hugs, Lil, and the 'knowing empathy' where my dog is concerned. Even when he is gone, he helps me, because I am willing to BAWL like a baby over him... and I'm sure all sorts of other things are coming out with it.

Corri

[Greeneyedlass]

Corrie,

I can imagine what you are going through with your dog. My H just found out he's HIGHLY allergic to our cats & dogs. He never knew he had any allergies til tested last week. Now I have to oust my two kitties from the bedroom (who have ALWAYS slept with me). Now while that's not nearly the same as having to part with them...hearing them crying to come in during the night just goes right through me.

One of the comforts of my single life was hearing the contented purr of my kitties sleeping next to me....I miss that, but I'd prefer my H not have to sleep in another room too LOL.

GEL

[Underdog]

Hey Corri!

I don't post much these days, but I do read from time to time and your new thread caught my eye. I'll be more than happy to chime in.

Like you, my entire adult life I was fortunate enough to have extremely predictable periods with some minor incoveniences. I could literally count mine to the day and hour... but no longer.

A few months after Mr. Wonderful moved out, I started getting erratic periods, hot flashes at night, and some symptoms most folks would label as PMS. When I started intermittently spotting, that's when I checked in with my OB/GYN. I had just turned 41...

She did some blood work and gave me the news that I was in periomenopause and that my "train had officially left the station". I was a little more than incredulous, as my family history has shown early starts and later menopauses... when she told me that extreme stress is the #1 trigger for the menopausal process. She figures I started about 3 years sooner than she would have liked to see, but there was no stopping now.

While I still have the awful hot flashes (mostly at night, but sometimes they happen during the day now) and the intermittent spotting, as well as the most erratic cycle on the planet now, I'm a bit more comfortable with all the unknowns. I've been reading books about menopause and trying to educate myself on the options available once my periods stop coming.

1. Be kind to yourself, GF. You'd be patient with your mom or other friend who was uncomfortable, so extend yourself the same latitude.

2. Use this opportunity to get in better physical shape... it helps your PMA and it also mitigates some of the natural side effects that go along with this process.

3. Get enough rest.

4. Develop even better eating habits--and make sure you are drinking plenty of water. I mean more than you feel you need if you're not doing 8-10 glasses already. You might want to do a little web surfing on dietary changes that help these types of mood fluctuations?

5. Check out herbal supplements--black cohosh is available OTC and you can find it at Costco. It leaves a nasty taste in the mouth but it does help after you start taking it for a few weeks or so.

It's just the beginning, Corri--and I wish I had better news for you. But it doesn't ever go back to the way things used to be. I hate it too.

Hugs,

Betsey

p.s. Oh yeah, I now cry at the drop of a hat. That sucks the most.

[qoe100]

Corri,
All I can say is....been there, done that. I was a total nut case. I went to a male doc and he said I was much to young to be starting menopause (I was 41, I think). He did nothing for me. Went to a female doc, she put me on HRT and within a month or two I was back to normal, periods and all. I still have occasional hot flashes, but the mood swings and crying jags are over. My family was so relieved they wanted to write the manufacturer of the HRT meds and thank them!!!!

[Lillieperl]

corri wrote

I'd say I am just now approaching the point where I feel safe to feel my greif, confusion, anger, sadness, etc.

This is exactly right! When the house is burning down and you're running out into the street with your valuables, you're just glad to be alive. Then as the days and weeks go on, you're STILL glad to be alive, but you become aware of all you've lost, AND as you so wisely said, now it's safe to feel those feelings.

You're NOT falling apart. I don't even know what that phrase means...

underdog wrote

p.s. Oh yeah, I now cry at the drop of a hat. That sucks the most.

I've always been one to cry at the drop of a hat (I cry at Purina Cat Chow commercials...), but I've reframed that tendency and now see it as an enormous gift--- to be ABLE to cry at the drop of a hat. Let's face it, there's a lot in our lives and in the world to cry about. Tears honor the magnitude of the events we and others face. See this as a virtue, as an indication of sensitivity... and buy waterproof eye makeup.

Here's something on tears:

The Tears of Women, Written by Ms.Baker

For the fifth time this week, a girl in tears has stumbled across my path, or sought me out personally. At first, I thought all this profuse weeping was perhaps due to some major karmic disturbance caused by an interplanetary misalignment in another galaxy far, far away. I had a suspicion that God was putting teary eyed women in my path because I carry around lots of ultra-soft kleenex and cinnamon Altoids candy.

But now, I remember that I once had the fortune to have a kind and sympathetic strange lady at Heathrow Airport lend me her shoulder to cry on when I was suddenly and uncharacteristically overwhelmed by a tragic incident in my family a long time ago. So many things in life occur in circles, patterns, and cycles. Perhaps it is my turn to give back what that unknown, comforting shoulder gave me at a time when I was being strong for everyone else, without anyone I trusted to whom I could bare my own grief and ease my heart close by.

Our collective feminine tears reminded me of two passages, read once long ago:

“Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man’s rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, But from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved.”
-Hebrew saying from the Talmud

and

It is such a secret place, the land of tears.
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince

Moral 1: Tears should never be construed as a sign of weakness in either men or women, even for someone as proud as I am, who licks her wounds in private. They are visible echoes of a soul in conflict and torment, or perhaps even unimaginable joy. Always respect them.

Moral 2: Offer your shoulder, ear, and Altoids to someone weeping, even if it is a stranger. You never know when it might be your turn. Sometimes, the compassion of a stranger is exactly what one needs.

N.B. (I am very susceptible to the tears of others, and find it hard to control my own when someone cries in my presence…Cry, and I cry with you…)

From this [url=http://72.14.203.104/search?q=cache:iAG-gi5r_yoJ:www.dwblog.net/%3Fp%3D511+"god+counts+the+tears+of+women"&hl=en&gl=us&ct=clnk&cd=6]site[/url]

[Corri]

UD and qoe:

Oh my goodness, you popped out of the woodwork for little ole me? Wow. Thanks...

And thanks for the advice, gals... that really, really helps. I am of the firm belief that stress is the root of all evil... and it can do some flipping amazing damage to a carcass... not to mention hormones. I have one fine cocktail shaking around in me right now, yessiree...

Lil:

You are absolutely correct about crying. Thank you.

Corri

[MJontheMend]

Corri,

Upon rereading, I regret my last post. It sounded rather snarky, probably because it was an example of "subcommunication" as BF would say. I've been having a NOP-like semi-psychic feeling that you aren't really being radically honest with yourself about your issues lately. This feeling is based on the tenor of some of your posts since you've come back to the BB and started participating more. I've always really appreciated it when you spoke truth to me so I'll be brave enough to do the same for you though I feel b*tchy for doing it.

First off, you really shouldn't be reading a book like "Peace Between the Sheets". I'm the one who should be reading that book. For you reading PBTS is the equivalent of me reading "Fat is a Feminist Issue" in response to my H's remarks about my weight. It would entrench me further in my POV rather than challenging my POV. The book you should be reading is "Talk Dirty to Me" by Sallie Tisdale or something like that.

I feel like you have labeled yourself as LD in some way that transcends the facts of your dysfunctional marriage and this is not a good thing. Believe you me, there is a definite downside to being a HDW but girlfriend there is a definite upside too (when you ride that wave of arousal like a surfer on a wave)and I think it would be great if you could experience that and I think that it is definitely possible.

[blackfoot]

I've been having a NOP-like semi-psychic feeling that you aren't really being radically honest with yourself about your issues lately

Incongruence stands out when you start to know people. I was so pissed at Chromo when he told me about OW, I didnt speak to him for a couple weeks. But I was also pissed at myself for not seeing the incongruence of some of his posts, that I shoulda/woulda/coulda, if I wasnt so caught up in being a fixer.

I have a real hard time dealing with A's. What I want to say to people having them.... well its not helpful. I realized he was telling me and coming to me as a friend, looking for help, and OG's response, help me step aside from my own reactivity.

Anyways. dont worry about being bit* hy Mojo. Be a real friend. Say it like it is.

[Corri]

Mo:

No need for apologies, and I thank you for the honest chat. I hear you and I will look into the book.

I really don't think I am LD, per se... sometimes it's hard for me to lose the lable. I think because of my FOO and rather tumultuous marriage, my LDness was a symptom of other things, not necessarily an indication of my 'state of being,' if that makes any sense.

I'd be interested in hearing more about your statement:

a NOP-like semi-psychic feeling that you aren't really being radically honest with yourself about your issues lately.

Seriously. Open invite. I need all help I can get, so... I'm asking.

Thanks,

Corri

[MJontheMend]

Seriously. Open invite. I need all help I can get, so... I'm asking.

Okay, you asked. What I've noticed is the complete absence of information about what your ex is up to. Maybe it is due to the fact that you are super-differentiated but every other recently divorced person I've ever known has been semi-obsessed with their ex's behavior/situation and you haven't said a word about it. Perhaps, I am way out of the ballpark (since I am not psychic like NOP) but I get the feeling that you are starting to date even though maybe you aren't really feeling ready for that yet and when I ask myself why you would do that one answer I come up with is that maybe you are dating because your ex is already involved with somebody else. Of course that would be really fused behavior and therefore may be more a reflection of my limited POV based on the dysfunctional set of divorced folk I know in real life.