God bless you, I know. I don't think everything I am going through is hormones... I think the hormones are magnifying the stress, and vice versa.
Given the type of person I am (survivor), and knowing ALL that I know about post traumatic stress, I'd say I am just now approaching the point where I feel safe to feel my greif, confusion, anger, sadness, etc. I am well aware of what an emotional train wreck I am right now...
MY problem is, given that I am such a control freak (I know, I know, that's hard to wrap your mind around... Corri, controlling)... my problem is not getting in the way of letting all this come out, allowing myself to be vulnerable, finding the ability to ask other people for help and then accepting it when it comes...
And then there is the side of me that really fears falling apart NOW, when I most need to keep it together. It's affecting my work, meeting deadlines... my personal motivation to succeed. The worst thing that can happen to me is I will lose some clients, doesn't mean I am a loser in life... it's just that for a woman who is so used to keeping such tight rein on her emotions... they are just completely overwhelming me right now.
On the flip side of this, however, I am actually happy about it. There is a part of me that says... GOOD FOR YOU!! Finally! Something you can't control... you get to feel... you get to crash, you get to be less than perfect, you finally get to experience what it is to be emotionally raw and vulnerable and not have the ability to turn it OFF.
So while this may sound a bit nutty... I welcome this... 'cuz I don't have a fcking clue what to do, nor do I have the motivation to read up on it and FIX myself before I can truly experience it.
As for the dog... I will keep this short or I'll start crying again... I'm traveling for business and personal reasons for the next two months. Then the kids hockey season starts. We are never home, and my dog is in the kennel all the time. That is no life for an animal you love.
But... I found him the best home next to mine, and more than likely, it will be even better for HIM, though it is far worse for me.... they call me everyday to give me progress reports (those of you with no pets... just skip this part...). And I can go see him whenever I want (even though he is three hours away).
I think I am losing my point here... oh... me... crashing. Yes... superhuman Corri is cracking at the seams, and quite honestly, it's probably the best dang thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Homrones aren't helping... maybe they are...
I JUST DON'T KNOW. (Go ahead, Haridog, print that one off and stick it to your cork board. )
I don't want to scare anyone, either. I am not so far gone I can't function or that my life is completely falling apart. It isn't. I do not regret what has come, not in the least... and believe me, I check in on that. I wouldn't go back for all the tea in China... and that is not my stubborn part speaking.
So... there you go. Hormones and stress. The elixir of life. Thank you for the hugs, Lil, and the 'knowing empathy' where my dog is concerned. Even when he is gone, he helps me, because I am willing to BAWL like a baby over him... and I'm sure all sorts of other things are coming out with it.
)