Ok, I will try and make this short and to the point. Im Married with 2 small children, have been married for 15 years.. im 34. My H has a very high Sex drive.. I don't. I know this is my problem, Im just tired alot with two small kids.. but I've really always had a low sex drive, except at the beginning of our relationship. I have found out over the past 4 or 5 years that he looks at porn.. his excuse to me is " I never want him or want to have sex with him"..we have sex about once a wk.. maybe less sometimes. I don't initiate it most of the time, he does. He tells me he would never cheat and that he just wants me all the time... then he has been asking me to watch "movies" with him.. which I feel uncomfortable about.. He watches them on occasion late at night while Im asleep. He also is very Kinky... I won't get into all of that.. Its not SEVERE.. only with me of course , I guess Im hoping this is all very normal and Im not just trying to reach for something there that is not unusual.. but I guess because I don't have these feelings, it is to me. Could A man possibly want a woman "that much".. Things have gotten a little better since I have been trying to communicate what I like to do... any insite from the men here would be really great!
Wicangirl.... The situation you are describing is EXACTLY the situation I am in right now. Just warning you, this could turn into babble talk - hehe
I am not here to give you advice, or any of that because I am still trying to find my way myself. but you did ask for a male's opinion and I am giving you my perspective on the situation:
At least for me... what I am looking for is the same passion, desire that I had w/ my W when we first met. You know that very first time you went out and the sparks were there and you ML (it was not ML then, but it is now - hehe). there was no holding back, you just went w/ the flow of the situation - there was no turning away, no saying no - everything just felt right. Grant it, you might have held back in certain ways cause you just met, but there still was that feeling between the 2 of you where you knew you could just do it, do it right and you could spend an hour or 2 having your treat, together.
Well, that is what I am in search of... problem is my W and I have different viewpoints on wwhat is considered fun and passionate and sexy and pleasureable and.......
I often ask myself how is it that after 10yrs I have grown, wanted to experience more, do more, etc - yet my W does not? I am not saying you are wrong, or your H is wrong. I am just saying that as we age, together, we grow - maybe in different ways. we lose sight and touch on what takes to keep the deep passion alive.
from the male perspective (again, my opinion - as i see it): all we want to be shown is that you care, that you love us, that you want us, that you desire us, that you crave us. its not so much the sex (or the Big O) that we want, as much as it is the effort and playfulness that goes along with it, that leads up to it. We want to share fantasies, desires, wants, etc..... we want to share them every chance we get because it is what is important to us. it is our release, our way of showing affection, love, etc.(almost like we dont know how else to do show it).
As you can see as you started to open up things got better because there was that line he was seeking.... what you cant forget though is the payoff (where my W falls now). The affection is there, the talk is there, the playfulness is there (at times), yet when it comes the end of the day (or after a couple of days of playing) and its time to be intimate or take it to the next level, the disappointment for the male is so huge because you did all this talking, playing, sharing yet the experience was so...... not what was talked about. I dont mean to say you have to do everything that was talked about, but listen to what your partner is saying. Let me explain:
This week started out great and it has been sour since about midweek because of my ordeal w/ my W. Because she has made similar efforts as you (based on what you said and i am assuming a bit here, but i am sure i am accurate a bit - hehe- there i go again) and things were great. as we talked and played i told her a couple of things that i could really go for.... it was fun - the play lasted 2 full days. by the end of the 3rd day i had enough, time to take the lead. luckily the lead i took started out promising because i think the W was understanding my need and was ready to.... so to make a long story short - the end result was horrible because in the end, I ended up gettin turned away from the one thing i said i was in the mood to do, which i thought based on our conversations were cool. its like, why dont you just say, YOU DONT LOVE ME ANYMORE, WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME... we deep down know you dont mean that (which is why we seek alternative methods to distract us), but it still feels that way
ok, i babbled (sorry) and yes, it can be confusing as it sounds like we dont know what we want or we change our story a bit, but i can assure you, that is exactly what is going thru his head.... its going thru mine
Wiccangirl...to put it bluntly and to answer your question. Yes, a man can want a woman that much and it's completely normal.
I think something that you may not be thinking off too, is that it's not just about sex, it's about an emotional connection with you. All too often people confuse the desire for sex as merely a want to have a physical release...so they feel like a piece of meat, like their body is just being used.
Wiccan, it's so much more than that. Men crave that emotional connection that comes with being itimate with their partner just as women crave an itimate connection in other ways...some women want physical touch to feel intimate, some want other things like quality time, gifts, of compliments etc.
I want to assure you though that what you are experiencing with your H is completely normal. I understand being tired believe me (I have a 3yr old at home) and everything that comes with a busy life. Can I ask you though, do you make time to spend with your H? One on one...no distractions, just "you time"? I can only imagine that with the stresses a busy life today brings...that your mind often gets cluttered with everything you haven't yet finished, or the things you have to do tomorrow. So...do you put your H and your M as a priority?
Just some things to think about. Oh and far as "kink" goes...the way you put it makes me think...it's not really anything kinky, just something different for you. Remember whatever the two of you choose to do...is between you...and therefore perfectly acceptable behavior.
Thank you for your words , I want to think that my H really does want me that much, but then I think, is it all just physical. He says no. I know men are more visual than women are, I guess I am a more conservative girl.. I mean, I rarely object to anything he wants to do.. only that I still don't feel right watching "movies" even though he says its between us.. I guess he needs that.. I don't understand it. I appreciate you opening up with your life and I hope you are patient with your W.. I know I am trying harder with my H. I just hope that he only feels this way about me and won't ever stray... The internet is a bad thing.. I really don't have a "big" problem with him looking at it.. or should I? He says it's only when he feels rejected by me.. whether that is true or not remains to be seen...
Greeneyedlass... thank you.. well to answer your questions, my h has his own business and works crazy hours. I have a 3 year old and a 8 month old. I'm alone a lot. I also do a lot of work for the business. He hired a cleaning lady for me to take the stress off, but we don't get to spend anytime alone ... especially during the summer months when he is the most busy. I have suggested going out alone, but its really hard for us to get a sitter. All of our free time is spent with the kids, think he feels guilty he isn't home enough, he is a good father. I know he loves his kids so much. Its mostly the sex thing that has got us at odds. Sometimes I feel he tells me things just to get me to have sex with him, but he really doesn't mean them. ..I don't know..
i can honestly say straying is not a concern... but self esteem and overall viewpoint of what the marriage is, what it should be is what is affected the most in him. he may feel rejection which is why he turns to what he does -- but i can assure you that he is also a bit hurt inside cause he doesn't quite understand where your coming from. he cant figure out why you dont have the same desires/wants. after all, he got this way because of how he feels his love has grown for you -- he would do anything and everything, no questions asked (haha) -- seriously, from an intimate, loving point of view, yet the feeling is it is not mutual (you to him)
like i said, i dont understand your viewpoint. i can only tell you what your H feels, wants, etc cause I am in the same boat... sorry if i say too much, not enough or makes no sense... i can talk about this forever and still be confused by it all - i got some reading to do
and i didnt read your response.... so i am responding. you definitely have busy lives and that does play a part. one thing you might try, which worked for me (at least 1 night) was set a date, "night out" for yourselves.
who cares if it is in the house, just get the kids to bed and go on a date. even if it is w/ a bottle of wine, lisening to soft music and talking.... its a start and different. its also a great time to talk about aything.
it worked for me 1 night - the 2nd time around was disasterous (long story)....
WG, Obviously you and your H have somewhat different sex drives. That cetainly is nothing unusual. His desire for experimentation between the 2 of you is nothing wrong or bad unless it hurts. There is no doubt he can want you as much as he does and you could accept that as a high compliment. Getting involved in the porn is a different matter in my opinion. I dont want to appear prudish but that is something that can become a problematic addiction. I wont propose to tell you how to handle it because there is a tremendous range of acceptance regarding that depending on the individuals involved. If you are uncomfortable with I would let him know that. If you dont it will just fester in you and too much of that is why most of us end up here. So I would deal with it however you see fit. But dont hate it and try to pretend you dont. There are many books and techniques that can be utilized to bring you two a little closer together physically. Middle ground is definately reachable. Dont ignore his desires though or hope they will just go away. These things need to be dealt with or they very well may lead to a real problem. Youre on the right track addressing it.
but I've really always had a low sex drive, except at the beginning of our relationship
Why did you have a higher sex drive at the beginning of your R? Please dont say.. I dont know. we cant work with that. What about your H caused you to crave him more then, then you do now? How have your perceptions of your H changed since then?
Its understandable that you are tired and stressed from the young'uns.
Things have gotten a little better since I have been trying to communicate what I like to do
do what works. Spend time thinking about what you like, how you like it, and why you like it, so that you can communicate it to him better.
Does he initiate once a week? or is it more often and you opt out?
Describe for me what sex was like 'in the beginning.' How did you feel about it? What did he do that you liked? How did you act/respond to him during this time? How is sex different now than 'in the beginning?'
Are you a stay-at-home mom, or do you work outside the home?
You say your H works a lot. Do you want him around the house more? If you did have him there more in the evenings... what would you do with him?
How's your self-esteem? Do you like your body? Do you like/enjoy your H's body? What do you enjoy doing to him?
we cant work with that.