OK I will try and make this as short as possible...H and I met down the shore. Known him for years and we were really good friends. Then we ended up dating and things were perfect. He moved up where I lived after 2 months dating. We got engaged 4 months later. We were engaged for 1 1/2 years and were happier than ever. We married and was pregnant 3 months later. I had a really bad pregancy. I had HELLP syndrome. Had our son early was put under for it. Was advised not to have anymore kids because I would run the risk of this happening again and could die or lose the baby. So my H had a vasectomy. We agreed I stay home to take care of our S since he will be our only child and we thought it would be best. I tried to make money doing the at home start up businesses and they ended up going no where fast. We were financially in a bind and needed to get out of the apartment. My H would work 3 jobs at times to make ends meet. I wanted to work but couldn't keep anything because my H's hours were always scattered. So after about 1 1/2 years I found the perfect house in our budget. I cashed out my IRA and savings we had for the down payment. Well things between us were no better. We would fight about money, not have anytime together because we could afford a sitter, we weren't intimate anymore, and he would work purposily on house project and I would end up nagging him to come in and spend time with his son instead. So we started going out with our friends seperatly. He would go play basketball and I would hang out at a pool hall or play bingo one night a week. I ended confiding in who I thought was a friend and got emtionally attached to him. Just talking to him was making me happy but he took it to another level and I hate myself for doig what I did. My H knows and at first wanted to work things out. My head was so messed up I didn't know what I wanted anymore. I thought that if I could have feelings for someone else then maybe I wasn't in love with my H anymore. I aske my H to leave. I started to go to counseling myself and was told I was having a MLC. I asked my H to move out and give me time to sort this out. He did March 1st. I knew it was a mistake when he walked out that door. I went out and got a job back in my field. It was hard to have to put my S in someone elses care but I had to do this and he old enough now. I started to feel 90% better about myself once I started working. I felt like I was needed and mattered again. Three weeks later I just crashed emotionally and it was like I was hit by a ton of bricks. I realized all I have done and what I needed and wanted back in my life. I called and explained everything to my H and apologized left and right and he was just silent. No response. I think I made him numb. Then I find out he has a GF. There is nothing I could do. I dug my own hole and now I have to find a way to get out of it. I have written him letters, called him, etc. I apologized to all the in laws and ended up being closer to them then ever before. I give him space but sometimes I just can't help but ask him how he is feeling and then he closes back up. I just worry because he doesn't talk. We always had a communication problems. I always said what was on my mind and he would just close up. Drive me nuts. I told him recently that now is the best time to let it all out and tell me what is on your mind even if it is going to hurt me. No response. But he is coming out of his shell little by little as you can see in my first post. I know it is going to take time. I don't mind giving him all the time in the world he needs as long as he is taking this time a lone and really thinking about things. I truly do love him and want to be able to hug him whenever I want. I don't want to take a vacation with out him and really have any new experiences without him. I miss him so much. Now you know my story. I appreciate any feedback.
