At first it did make me want to get into his jeans all the time. There were a lot of skewed and confusing dynamics in our R at first from different places. My fairly recent widowhood, his D (couple of years for each of us), his drinking especially, the ED was already underway, past sexual stuff from both of us.
And in the last few months I've really been working on myself re the sex issue... most of my life I think I've kept love and sex pretty separate. I think my way of being sexual was not like the "typical woman in the magazine," i.e. she has to have the EC in order to feel sexually inclined toward her partner. I think my sexuality was something in me that went around looking for a connection-- a physical connection. I looked for sexual validation everywhere, every day. I was like a wire looking for another wire to complete a circuit. When I could complete that circuit, whether with a partner, a "look" from a stranger, a new haircut so I knew I looked good, whatever. Every day in virutally every action or encounter my underlying agenda was to be sexually validated, to make that connection somehow however slight-- so that I could feel okay, desired, etc. I've always been smart and got good grades, but that did not make me feel okay enough. I needed sexual validation-- I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but I was kind of a prisoner of that need. Ideally I would have been in love with and sexually validated by the same person. That rarely happened, or if it did, it did not last. I was usually looking over the shoulder of the guy I was with, looking for the next source of validation.
And it started early... when I was in grade school, I remember thinking, "Oh I'll wear that dress that has the design on the back because so and so sits behind me and he'll notice me." My teachers, fathers of friends, later guys I worked with married or not-- I looked for that buzz, that look, that thing that told me I had scored something. And yet I don't think I ever came off as "slutty"-- I'm too much of a nerd for that. But when someone is putting out signals, someone else will pick up on them. (See my discussion of months ago about married men who put out signals and those who don't, and if they don't, an OW will have a very hard time getting their attention.)
Anyway, when I came into this R, I was coming out of my grief and very interested in sex-- obsessed, even. I ran into my bf like a brick wall. Dead stop. Oh we were very active in the beginning, with me initiating and him drinking a lot. Y'all know some of the ups and downs of the sitch, the workshop, the therapy, the hurt on my part, the crises on his part, the ultimatums on my part...
I'm not exactly sure where we are now, but I don't feel bitter, I don't feel rejected, I feel more accepting... as I said the other day, I'm not sure if it's better or if I'm just getting used to it. I'm truly not looking over his shoulder at the next guy down the road. There may be another guy some day; there may not. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I'm not feeling sexual. Even though I've lost 30 lbs and look better than I ever did in the beginning of our R. Or maybe what I'm feeling IS sexual and my past obsession was Something Else, but NOT sexuality. I don't know that either. I just don't know...
So what I'm doing now is taking one day at a time and not knowing...I'm getting okay with not knowing. Looked at from moment to moment, my life is very good. Yeah, I could choose to focus on what's not right and what's missing and how it could be better... and by not being sexual with each other, I feel we're missing out on A LOT. But we also have a lot. Maybe I'm just being lazy... or maybe this is the way to be. I can't decide.
Last week a friend of mine had to leave town for a week for a funeral. She has an elderly dog that she didn't want to board, and she didn't know what to do with her. I said without hesitation, "We'll take her for a week at bf's house," and I KNEW it would be okay with bf, I didn't have to call and check with him, he wouldn't roll his eyes or punish me in some way. It would be FINE. That is worth a lot in my book. That welcoming attitude toward a friend and an animal in need. Is that worth more than a hard d*ck?
I think when you ask yourself this, you are sort of setting yourself up to be a perfect case for Schnarch. You have so much invested in your relationship that maybe you are afraid to push on the sex issue. Since your BF has ED there are practical problems involved but why couldn't he pleasure you for the same reasons that he is motivated to care for you in other ways? Though maybe what you are trying to say is that because you felt like your sex drive was largely motivated by a need for validation being pleasured by a man who wasn't feeling particularly sexual himself wouldn't do the trick in that regard? You wanted to be wanted sexually more than you simply wanted sex yourself. I think this is rather confusing to think about because to a large extent sexual encounters are built on a sort of desire feedback loop, like a good conversation. But it sounds like your BF is a good listener so maybe a virtually one-sided encounter with him might be better than you think as long as you went into it without expectations of sparkling repartee.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Good comment. I think I am afraid to push on the sex issue. Partly because when I did push in the past, it lead to huge unpleasantness and not any more sex. I took us to two therapists and a workshop, I read the books, I initiated the convos with no results.
Since he is an AOS guy, it would be great if he could see sex as just another AOS. I don't know why he doesn't (although if you met his mom and/or his ex, you probably wouldn't wonder).
And I think also that both bf and I are comfortable with this amount of distance, it's just that I'm aware enough to know that this amount of distance, while comfortable, is not optimum.
And so my sex drive has gone underground because I am motivated to stay in this R for a host of other reasons. I think the PBTS approach would be ideal for us, but so far I haven't done any more than just mention it.
I really don't know what I'm going to do about this, if anything...
Re Lil
It's the fact that he is just about the perfect partner in EVERY way........never nags me ever about anything......(THAT'S a newie for me-- never met a guy who NEVER pouts),......loves any kind of shopping for clothes... Great list about your bf Lil. I was wondering if I should go back to finishing school. <that last comment was about me, no one else>
he thinks the best of people and gives them the benefit of the doubt I can do that so maybe I am doing some things right.
always has a pie on hand No way???????? <as in, that is different> to which Lil replies "way" as in "Wayne's World".
even at "my age," Never limit yourself because of your age. Limiting factors have more to do with mental and/or physical health, and energy level.
we had recently on the BB was that when we talk about the real effects of feminism we can only rationally talk about economics. If you try to equate modern feminism with strong female personality traits then it's as though we are forgetting that Shakespeare wrote about Lady Macbeth and Kate the Shrew hundreds of years ago or that Atalanta would only marry the man who could beat her in a race more than a thousand years before that.
we both know, As is usually the case, Atalanta let Hippomenes win. She had to, she was all ready in love with him for other reasons. . She made up the rules to spite her father, and he had to continue them, after executing all those other suitors. Gold apples from aphrodite, is an acceptable excuse to lose in anyones book. Economics is not the only rational topic we could discuss on feminisms effects. Personally I am all for feminism. I dont feel compelled to pay their way, and she doesnt feel compelled to... yep its a good thing. We go dutch, and she is responsible for her own O's too. LMAO. I mean the quality -or lack thereof- in the R.
A sort of miracle happened in Mojoland. It is freakin hot in my neck of the woods and the non-central air conditioning in my old house hasn't quite been cutting it. Tuesday night my H was sitting around in his underwear eating a giant bowl of ice cream. When I saw the giant bowl of ice cream I started having uncharitable thoughts about people who never exercise and eat giant bowls of ice cream on top of plates of pasta and beer and manage to stay whip thin. But then I actually focused on my H "in the moment" and guess what I saw? The guy is growing a gut! Skinny legs, arms and everything else but right in the center of his body some fat had finally managed to make a stand. I couldn't help myself- I reached out and patted it. I would like to think that I wasn't actually chortling with glee as I did this but I must admit that I may have come close. My H said "I guess I'm getting kind of tubby." and I said, most charitably IMO, "I think it's kind of cute.".
I'm not really happy that my H is "getting tubby". IMO, it's not healthy for a total ectomorph like him to be putting on weight round the middle. What I am happy about is that this incident gave me some real insight into why I was having such issues with my H's comments about me being too fat to be sexually attractive. It dawned on me that I was giving him the "right" to tell me that I was too fat simply because I've always been fatter than him. I was letting a total ectomorph with a runaway metabolism who makes no attempt to eat healthily, never counted a calorie in his life and never participates in regular exercise or sporting activities give me cr*p about my physique. I mean if I was married to someone like Blackfoot who had made a lifestyle commitment to working on his body and was trying to encourage me to do the same or get up to his level that would be one thing but my situation was more like the kid who was born rich picking on the kid who has to work for every penny. No wonder I was so p*ssed off!
It became clear to me then why I was able to simultaneously honestly say that I didn't really have a poor body image yet I felt bad about my body within the context of my relationship. I felt fat in "comparison" to him because he was so skinny as well as in "relation" to him because he was telling me I was fat. I don't know why this wasn't obvious to me.
Anyway, having this relevation didn't make me angry, it just made me feel like I have been stupid. It actually made me happy because it helped me figure out why I might have been giving off a less than confident vibe sexually. If I was giving off a less than confident vibe because I didn't think that I was attractive then that would be something I would have to work on in terms of actively changing my appearance or boosting my self-esteem. If I was giving off a less than confident vibe in reaction to my H's LD or even his comments about my appearance then that would be something I would have to work on in terms of differentiation or demanding respect boundaries etc.. However, I realized a good part of what was causing my less than confident vibe was simply my belief that my H was more attractive than me. I felt powerless in the same way that a man might feel powerless if he was in a relationship with a woman who made more money than him and told him that was why she didn't want to have sex with him. On one hand, the guy might keep telling himself that he made a decent living and many women would be happy with him and that would be true in some objective sense but it wouldn't do him any good in his relationship as long as he was willing to play by his wife's rule of "You aren't sexy until you make as much money as me.". My point being that the important thing isn't that the guy needs to tell his wife that's a crock of sh*t- the important thing is that the guy needs to project the confidence that will come from truly believing himself that his wife's rule is a crock of sh*t.
So this revelation was a very good thing for me. I definitely felt like I had achieved a new level of relaxed confidence when my H and I had our scheduled encounter Wednesday morning. I felt as though any anxiety my H might project would just sort of plop on the ground in front of me. Maybe for this reason or maybe because my H's reactivity has gone down too what should/could have been a tense encounter because of the pressure of scheduling was really quite relaxed, hot and emotionally connected. I am really starting to believe that we might get this problem licked for good.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I am so glad that you recognize that. Your moment of glee was totally human.
I am an ectomorph and have many friends who are overweight. My H is considered overweight by his Dr., I see some tummy (he eats like sh*t) but I know how much he exercises so it would never occur to me to give him crap. I have always known that truth be told I eat much more and worse than my overweight friends do. I sometimes exercise more than they, sometimes not. Many of my girlfriends have a lot of traumatic childhood memories related to food that I simply do not. I completely understand that it would be ridiculous to compare my weight or my ahem, diet to theirs. I also accept that people have different body types and frames and that all well cared for bodies are beautiful. In other words, MJ, it is time that you developed some standards for YOURSELF about your body. Eat healthy to be healthy not to attain some crazy standard. Get a really good haircut, nice low maintenance makeup (less is more on we ladies of a certain age), clothes that make you feel great and BE GREAT! I realize that you claim to be fashion impaired - What Not to Wear is a great show to help you, nicer stores like Nordstrom's very often have personal shoppers to help you put together a workable wardrobe and there are some good books out there. I believe one was called something like "Three Black Skirts". A few really good interchangeable pieces and shop at least twice per year Fall and Spring to make sure that you aren't outdated or wearing icky, pilled up clothes that have lost their shape.
Your H is not "all that" just because he has put himself in the place of the fashion, diet and exercise police. We all bring plusses and minuses to the table in our marriages and if we love one another we overlook a little gut, a little pickiness, a little bad taste or whatever AND we encourage our SO to grow beyond whatever issues there are. Maybe you should go get a body composition and fitness test done. I'll bet you'll find that you aren't as far off of your personal mark as you think. You might be suprised.
MJ, I think you are an amazing woman with a lot to offer. Your H would do well to recognize that you and he are on a more even keel than he realizes.
. She made up the rules to spite her father, and he had to continue them, after executing all those other suitors. 
LMAO. I mean the quality -or lack thereof- in the R.