At first it did make me want to get into his jeans all the time. There were a lot of skewed and confusing dynamics in our R at first from different places. My fairly recent widowhood, his D (couple of years for each of us), his drinking especially, the ED was already underway, past sexual stuff from both of us.
And in the last few months I've really been working on myself re the sex issue... most of my life I think I've kept love and sex pretty separate. I think my way of being sexual was not like the "typical woman in the magazine," i.e. she has to have the EC in order to feel sexually inclined toward her partner. I think my sexuality was something in me that went around looking for a connection-- a physical connection. I looked for sexual validation everywhere, every day. I was like a wire looking for another wire to complete a circuit. When I could complete that circuit, whether with a partner, a "look" from a stranger, a new haircut so I knew I looked good, whatever. Every day in virutally every action or encounter my underlying agenda was to be sexually validated, to make that connection somehow however slight-- so that I could feel okay, desired, etc. I've always been smart and got good grades, but that did not make me feel okay enough. I needed sexual validation-- I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but I was kind of a prisoner of that need. Ideally I would have been in love with and sexually validated by the same person. That rarely happened, or if it did, it did not last. I was usually looking over the shoulder of the guy I was with, looking for the next source of validation.
And it started early... when I was in grade school, I remember thinking, "Oh I'll wear that dress that has the design on the back because so and so sits behind me and he'll notice me." My teachers, fathers of friends, later guys I worked with married or not-- I looked for that buzz, that look, that thing that told me I had scored something. And yet I don't think I ever came off as "slutty"-- I'm too much of a nerd for that. But when someone is putting out signals, someone else will pick up on them. (See my discussion of months ago about married men who put out signals and those who don't, and if they don't, an OW will have a very hard time getting their attention.)
Anyway, when I came into this R, I was coming out of my grief and very interested in sex-- obsessed, even. I ran into my bf like a brick wall. Dead stop. Oh we were very active in the beginning, with me initiating and him drinking a lot. Y'all know some of the ups and downs of the sitch, the workshop, the therapy, the hurt on my part, the crises on his part, the ultimatums on my part...
I'm not exactly sure where we are now, but I don't feel bitter, I don't feel rejected, I feel more accepting... as I said the other day, I'm not sure if it's better or if I'm just getting used to it. I'm truly not looking over his shoulder at the next guy down the road. There may be another guy some day; there may not. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I'm not feeling sexual. Even though I've lost 30 lbs and look better than I ever did in the beginning of our R. Or maybe what I'm feeling IS sexual and my past obsession was Something Else, but NOT sexuality. I don't know that either. I just don't know...
So what I'm doing now is taking one day at a time and not knowing...I'm getting okay with not knowing. Looked at from moment to moment, my life is very good. Yeah, I could choose to focus on what's not right and what's missing and how it could be better... and by not being sexual with each other, I feel we're missing out on A LOT. But we also have a lot. Maybe I'm just being lazy... or maybe this is the way to be. I can't decide.
Last week a friend of mine had to leave town for a week for a funeral. She has an elderly dog that she didn't want to board, and she didn't know what to do with her. I said without hesitation, "We'll take her for a week at bf's house," and I KNEW it would be okay with bf, I didn't have to call and check with him, he wouldn't roll his eyes or punish me in some way. It would be FINE. That is worth a lot in my book. That welcoming attitude toward a friend and an animal in need. Is that worth more than a hard d*ck?
