Angry no more

[MJontheMend]

I know what you're saying Cally. When I first joined this BB I lost 30 lbs. in order to meet my H's preferences even though I was feeling hurt and angry. Though my H did make some positive comments about the change in my appearance, in terms of his response to my sexual requests all that changed was that I heard "You need to lose weight" less often and things like "That t-shirt isn't sexy" or "You are too arrogant about your sexiness." instead. I wish that I really good believe that losing another 10 lbs. or getting my hair done in a different style or dressing a bit differently would make the difference in our relationship but I frequently feel like I'm trying to attain an ever changing goal. In fact, I would say that what my H is looking for is the effort rather than the results which would be fine if it weren't for the fact that no effort seems to be enough to make the critical difference.

I'm really a lot more differentiated than I used to be. When I told my H to go get a skinny girl, I didn't say it in a spiteful way, I said it from a place of wanting to feel good about being the reasonably attractive woman that I am. More like I was trying to convey "I'm sorry but if that is what you need in order to feel sexual then I am afraid I am unable to offer it.". My body image really isn't as terrible as I probably make it sound in my posts where I'm reacting to my H's comments though I am sort of down on myself about my fashion sense. For instance, if I were to find myself single I might kind of freak out about what I would wear on a date but if I were to find myself getting naked later I would be comfortable with that. So in a sense what I was trying to convey to my H with my "find a skinny chick" comment was along the lines of "If you want vanilla, you're going to have to go out shopping for vanilla because I'm rainbow swirl.".