Angry no more

[MJontheMend]

But once you open that box, you must be ready to deal with whatever comes out. It seems to me Mojo, that you are making some good progress, and assuming that any stalling which might occur can only be resolved by D is a little extremist thinking. I just wonder how clearly you have differentiated this new found assertiveness to overcome your “wimpiness” to your H versus lingering frustration toward your mother for the years of “wimpiness” you felt you had to endure under her. Don’t punish your H for what your mother did, otherwise you will have become your mother

When I first started Schnarching my H, one thing he said to me was "I'm actually kind of relieved that there is something that would make you want to leave this marriage.". My desire to be just the opposite of my mother made me so wimpy that I erred on the side of neglect thereby "spoiling" my marriage. I know that you guys are worried that I will go into a sort of reactionary "overkill" with my thoughts of divorce and there is probably something valid in that. However, I have to say that my H is actually happier and my marriage is actually better the more demanding that I am and the more that I stand up for myself. Obviously, somebody who takes the stand that they deserve to have sex and is willing to take risks in order to get it is more sexy than somebody who is unwilling to take that stand or risk. But, I see your point. I'm so unused to standing up for myself that it's hard for me to see what tools I might have at my disposal that aren't quite at the nuclear bomb level of filing for divorce. For instance, the fact that I've been giving my H the "cold shoulder" lately is quite novel behavior on my part. I was amazed that it was so effective. Perhaps I should think of a consequence for the potential violation of our sexual agreement that wouldn't be so earth-shattering. How about if I tell him I'm not going to cook for him for a week or until we do have sex if he violates our agreement? - LOL

I should add here that I really think that he is motivated to go along with this agreement. There was nothing at all grudging in his behavior. In fact, I am the one who put in the stipulation that he could cancel on me if he was willing to communicate openly. He was willing to simply commit to the sex wholeheartedly.