First, about the shopping. I think your insight is a good one, but the solution of whether to get out of an abusive relationship seems black and white. Why not talk to your H about what he needs from the store, and even get him to do some of the shopping. He may find that he forgets to buy things even more than you.
[BTW, in the spirit of public service, everyone knows I do the grocery shopping and it IS a pain to remember everything to buy. I’ve tried shopping lists but sometimes I miss something or don’t know where to find it. A while back I bought a Palm Treo cell phone which is basically a Palm Pilot with a phone. I found a neat little FREE application called HandyShopper that allows you to create your shopping list, assign categories to items (such as meats, produce, dairy, etc.) and also aisle numbers (or whatever you else you’d like to assign). I check the item I need from a list sorted by category, then when I go to the store, I choose the list of selected items which sort by the aisle number in the store. If I don’t need anything in a particular aisle, I don’t go there. This saves me TONS of time. It takes a little effort to load your list, but there is a Excel spreadsheet program that allows you to create your list, then download it to the Palm. You can find it at some of the Palm software download sites like Palmgear.com. Now, back to the discussion…..]
As for your H’s FOO, I think it is VERY important to understand his issues, especially if he is not doing so himself. My wife think she has hers all figured out, therefore her anger issues can only be due to me. Wrongo! Even the counselor told me last night (in individual session) that she sees more and more that this is a MAJOR problem in our marriage and she would like to push into it further. It sounds like your H could have some of the same stuff.
My experience is that your H may have been too enmeshed with his father as a kid, but it is the effects of that enmeshment that is the cause of his anger and frustration at work and with other men. Enmeshed people have poor boundaries, poor sense of self esteem. The allow others to invade their space and feel walked on. Then they get mad at others for being too pushy, but if the incident were video taped, they would probably see that they themselves offered to do extra work, or accepted a request to do extra work, when all they had to do was say no.
My dad is like this. He is way too passive, even though my mom was quite successful in bringing out his aggressive side. I remember one time in high school we stopped at a convenience store for gas. He filled up then went in to pay. On his way out someone else had pulled up to the pumps. (At that time there were no automated credit card readers on pumps.) This guy shouted at my dad just as he came out of the store and asked him to turn around and tell the teller to turn on the pump….. and my dad did it!. When we got in the car, he seemed frustrated with himself for doing so, feeling like he was this guy’s servant. I remember thinking why the hell did he do that. I would have kept walking to the car and told the guy to go in and ask the teller himself.
Now my dad has his list of issues with his parents and it certainly influenced his personality and way of thinking, and this example is a direct consequence of his FOO, but it still has to do with what he wants to make of himself now, here, today. Understanding his FOO will help, but he’s then got to rise up and be a man, just like I think your H has to do.
I think you can help him, if you approach it right and don’t push too hard (or push too soft). Getting comfortable with your boundaries is a major step toward doing this. Don’t accept blame for his problems – throw them back on him to solve. Stop serving if it is not appreciated. If your acts are appreciated then service DOES show you care. If they are not appreciated, then you may be doing them in the hopes that he realizes you care. That makes it your issue since you are trying to gain validation and acceptance. If he does not appreciate it then must not be that important to him and it seems like a waste of your energy and a source of frustration.
